I’ve only had three kids go through the 3-4 yr, and each one was pretty different. My advice is to stay consistent, because she is looking for the consistent parent. Let her make little decisions - what to wear, what to play, even what to eat on her dinner plate. Continue to insist on her obedience at home and in the social situations. Put yourself in her shoes though, and see if what you’re asking is realistic. It’s really hard for a 3-4 yr old to sit through mass quietly, but mine all get to the point where they can without distractions. (we don’t let them have books, toys, or food in mass) We don’t go out to eat very often, and when we do it is usually very boring for children so I bring crayons/paper. When they get bored, we leave, but try to stay a little longer each time and engage them in the conversation. Is she asked to stay at the table to eat her meals at home? That is the best rule we’ve set in our house, to make them eat at the table and when they get down they are done.

I highly recommend The Well Behaved Child, by John
Rosemond.

Suzy, I don’t think it would be out of line to say something nicely to the DRE about food in class in general. Besides being unhealthy and interfering with dinner, some children may be allergic. In our parish we have severe allergies to nuts, corn (and corn syrup which is in almost all candy) and lots of other things - and we’re a small parish. Such children would not only feel left out, but would potentially be put in immediate risk of a reaction. I think you could reasonably ask that all food be put in bags or something and handed out at the end of class for children to take home for their parents to distribute. I think it would be best if you had some suggestions like that. There are lots of other kinds of “rewards” if they must use them, like religious pencils that can be ordered in bulk from places like Oriental Trading Company. You might be able to think of other ideas or suggestions that would fit your parish. Maybe there are other parents that feel the same way and you could talk one of them into bringing it up with the DRE. You could suffer through it for this year and bring it up over the summer when people are planning for next year. Personally we love having our kids in the PSR program even though we homeschool and they have lots of faith formation at home, because it helps develop a sense of community within our parish family. Good luck!

Depending on what the games are, that might not be a problem; when I was teaching, I used a lot of Catholic quiz books in team games, and made up my own Scattergories, bingo, Jeopardy, etc.  But the food seems excessive.  I could see, with previous parental permission, having something for a Christmas party or something once or twice during the year, but every week is a lot.

Suzy,
    I know where you are coming from.  My kids go to RE and some years some of the teachers are more into treats than others.  I told my kids to bring home the candy/cupcakes/treats.  They were not allowed to eat them in class.  I told them that if they were asked, they were just to say that they were not allowed snacks before dinner.
They were allowed to eat the snacks the next day during the daytime.  I realize that the kids have to be honest with me for this method to work.  I try to remember to thank them when they do hand me their snacks.

Your dh wants your kids to have a social outlet with other Catholic children? Super, invite some of those kids over for dh to supervise at your house!    (Only partially kidding.)

Couple of issues:
-nobody has food allergies or issues?  I’m shocked that no one has raised this.
-the DRE could be a living saint; that does not mean she has infallibly chosen her instructors.
-this is going to sound harsh, but….*you & dh* are the *primary* educators of the faith for your children.  FAith formation comes first, then everything else (but usually at the same time) 
-Catholic kids *can* be lousy socialization cohorts, jsut like any other peer.  Don’t let dh fool himself
-and last but not least…In my personal childhood experience, it was this exact type of situation that drove me out of my CCD program (I refused to be confirmed.)  I *wanted* to take my faith seriously, but given the kookiness in the class and lack of knowledge, authority and devotion on the part of the teachers, in my teen brain that equaled hypocrisy and I wanted no part of it.  So, my point is that this is not “benign neglect” on the part of the CCD program; it actually could be detrimental, poisonous.

I don’t mean to sound fatalistic, but what you’re talking about is not a trivial matter, either.  At the very least, I think I’d schedule time to meet with the DRE and let her know that you’re contemplating/discerning whether that program is one to which you’ll continue sending your saints-in-the-making.

I know what you mean.  One year, at the end when the students were supposed to write an appreciation letter to the teacher, my son wrote “you know how to throw a great party!”  Yeah, not exactly the goal of CCD.  Another time he ate 3 cupcakes in class.  They always have candy and snacks at every class.  It’s frustrating to try and teach good eating habits when the kids get candy and junk everywhere else!  The program at our parish is huge, and they beg anyone and everyone to teach. . .it’s always a scrape to try and find enough teachers.  With that comes not always quality religion courses.  I make sure I supplement at home so he’s learning what he needs to and just pray he’s not learning anything heretical at class.  He goes to public school and in such a secular world we want him to see that there are other Catholic kids out there.

I’m not sure when your RE is but ours is 30 mins after school, and the kids are famished.  Snacks are allowed BEFORE class and there is a list for each grade of the allergies that are present.  I’m actually grateful that snacks are allowed because by the time they get home they’re famished part II.  As for the teachers, they do the very best they can and we do the very best we can to teach the kiddos the Way.

As an occasional candy giving/game playing RE teacher, I just feel like I have to point this out.  At least in our program, which is all the Catholic kids in town that show up (which means 22 in the sacrament class this year, when last year’s 1st grade class had 5) we don’t have any real authority over the kids.  We can’t suspend them, we can’t kick them out (very easily) and we can’t get them to do homework because we don’t give them grades.  I use candy (or other types of prizes, particularly during Lent when I don’t hand out candy!) to get the kids to do the reading I ask of them and to bring back the papers we didn’t have time to finish.  In my class of 12, I DO have one girl with food allergies - she is allergic to eggs, so I am VERY careful to make sure that if I do have candy or food of any kind, that it does not have eggs in it.  As teachers, we DO care a lot about teaching the kids, but it is very difficult, particularly in cases where the kids do not learn anything about the faith at all…for instance, our pastor scheduled our only Mass for the Feast of the Immaculate Conception 30 minutes into CCD on Wednesday night - so we took ALL the kids, most of whose parents did not bother to come (CCD=babysitting to many), and afterwards one of the kids said “when do we get to do this again?” and was surprised that it is offered EVERY SUNDAY at 8am…

That being said, I’d have a word with your kids’ teachers, or if that’s too many teachers to deal with, the DRE - explain your concern about dinner.  I’m not sure how big your parish is, and I know of a few where teachers get a small stipend for teaching, but also keep in mind that the teachers might be overworked, underappreciated volunteers trying to do their best to reach all of the kids, who are at very different levels faith wise, in a short amount of time each week!

Jenn, not sure exactly what you are asking.  I know my 5th grade daughter still needs to go over the material more than once, and often it is best for her if one of those times is me reading it to her or along with her.  Often, I will photocopy the questions at the end of the section and have her read over them BEFORE reading a chapter and AS she’s reading a chapter so that she knows what sort of things to pay attention to (this is mainly history and science).  I also try to point out that most elementary school texts use section titles and bold face type to highlight the key points (basically, look there first for answers).

Jenn, I would consider what kind of learning style your son has before you push the “reading to learn” to hard before he is developmentally ready. If you’re not sure what his learning style is, most public libraries have a good selection of books that can help you determine that. I was a good student but I did not naturally glean information from my textbooks until I was well into high school, and even then I was a highlighter and note-taker. I couldn’t just read something and pull the important details out. Reading aloud to myself helped a lot though, so Michelle’s suggestion of reading to and along with your son might help if he is at all an auditory learner. And if he needs outlines and notes, teaching him strong study skills will be invaluable. I am homeschooling my twin 5th graders who remember almost every detail of what they read. Reading to learn is as natural to them as breathing. But that is their learning style. Be prepared for this to be a process if this is not a natural way of learning for him that may take years for him to finally master.

Jenn, In my pre-mommy life I was an English professor, and I always spent the first couple of classes in my freshman courses reviewing pre-reading skills—basically everything that Michelle outlined in her response to you. I would argue that the strongest and best students are the ones who can internalize habits like reading study questions first, noticing topic sentences, underlining, and writing notes in the margin. It takes a lot of time and practice for most students to get used to doing these things, mostly because many of them mistakenly think “good” students can read and understand without difficulty. But if doing some of these things can help your son now and if he makes them a habit, he will be advantaged in his future studies.

I should clarify my comments above that “many of them mistakenly think ‘good’ students can read and understand without difficulty.” Rather than “without difficulty,” I should have written “without working at it.”

You mentioned “learning to read” vs “reading to learn”... so is he literally still *learning* to read (ie, needing help to sound out words & still having trouble recognizing sight words)??  This can be a HUGE disruption to comprehension & make reading a real chore!  If he is still at that stage, I would look into something like Sylvan learning center or find out about whatever your Catholic school’s version of an IEP might be.  He evidently needs more assists than he’s getting in school & a reading specialist might be a big help.  You may also want to look into the Montessori method for learning to read, as it uses a whole variety of materials (multi-sensory & hands on) to make reading become second-nature.  Whatever you choose, I would take some concrete steps in one or all of these directions and see where they lead you…  If, however, you were just referring to reading comprehension, I have nothing to add beyond the gems that have already been mentioned above.

One thing to consider—a lot of NON-Catholic Schools have great Catholic Student centers. For instance, the University of Wisconsin and Texas A&M centers are nationally known, and the Newman Center at teh U of C was excellent when I went there—I got more out of that and a Western Civ class then out of 12 years of CCD!

On the other hand, many of the “Super-Catholic (Tm) Colleges” are very, very expensive, and kids can lose their faith at Steubenville too. Basically, wherever your son goes, it’s going to come down to his free will and your prayers.

I’d say that you should look at a mix of Catholic and Non-Catholic schools, and see which ones have the programs he’s interested in at a price you can afford. Then let him apply, and see what the financial aid is like! (And don’t rule out the big private schools—many have big endowments and scholarships for middle class families so that, for instance, a kid may pay less to go to the University of Chicago than to a small state school!)

college is tough.  They’re on their own and there are no guarantees.  After a disaster with my oldest, what I have told my younger kids is that there must be a place where they can grow in faith and character.  It’s important for them to get the education they need, and most Catholic colleges are relatively weak in math and science.  We also have drawn the line at sending our children to institutions which allow so-called “gender neutral housing.”  Unfortunately, this will exclude more and more institutions in the near future.

@Deirdre~thank you~I’ve looked at numerous school w/the Newman Centers…just was wondering about Catholic schools as a whole.

@Scotch Meg~that’s the problem~they are too weak in math and science except for a select few that are considered extremely hard to get into~they are liberal arts colleges. Although I’ve read articles where they are try to venture out not int pre professional degrees but actually offering them. My son’s a freshman taking junior status classes. He wants to go into engineering and not be at a 3+2 school. (although if anyone is looking into this, I heard Stonehill is wonderful).

@College-searing mother~Thank you~UofDallas is a great school, but lacks in math and science for a major (hence no engineering)...it does offer preprofessionals but he wants his degree in 4 years and not switching after 3 or 4 years.

Thank you everyone! Still checking all catholic colleges but I know God will lead us to wherever he is suppose to attend!

joyce, I received my engineering degree from Lafayette College in Easton, PA.  I also looked at Carnegie Mellon in Pittsburgh.  I did not know about Lehigh University, Lafayette’s rival, until I went to Lafayette.  These schools all offer engineering degrees and are much smaller than the big state schools where most kids go to college.  The advantage of a small school is that you don’t fall through the cracks as easily, everybody knows you, especially those in your major.  The year I graduated (1993), I was one of only 10 students to receive a BS in Civil Engineering.  Lafayette is one of the oldest engineering schools, although it is better known for its liberal arts program now, and it is top-notch.  Unfortunately, it costs a boat-load.  I had merit and need based assistance and I owed $40k when I graduated…that was 17 years ago.  As much as I think I received an excellent education, I am not encouraging my own children to even think about attending there due to the cost.  As for the faith-aspect: I had no interest in my faith as a teenager, and was happy to go off to college where my mother wouldn’t know if I attended Mass or not.  God had a great plan, though, and I met a Catholic man while I was there.  Even though I corrupted him, and he stopped attending Mass to spend more time with me, eventually, we returned to the Church - first out of a sense of obligation, then later out of love.

My oldest son is only 13 and is interested in engineering.  Our homeschooling curriculum basically prepares a student to do well at Thomas Aquinas College in California, which is a classical liberal arts college (they are prepared for ANY school, but it ties in with TAC).  If my son attended there, it would take at least 5 or 6 years to get an engineering degree (3-4 at TAC for a BA, and then 1-2 elsewhere for the BS).  That would also cost a boatload of money, but he would be so well grounded in his faith, and have such a well rounded education in general, that might be worth it…we’ll be doing the cost analysis in a few years.  I know I did not want to take more than 4 years to complete a degree when I was a teen - I wanted to “get on” with “real” life.  But my personal experience in falling away from the Church has convinced me that investing more time and money in my own children’s education - and I mean total education, especially including faith formation - is worth the cost.

joyce, looking back at your post, I realize that you are considering sending a 16-17 year old off to college to get a degree, and I’m wondering why he *must* do it in 4 years?  If he went to any small, Catholic school for 3-4 years and then switched to a large state school for his engineering degree, it would probably cost the same as a 4 year degree at Lafayette, somewhat protect him spiritually while he was still young, and he’d be more mature and better able to handle a huge school with very diverse students (as well as the real world), and he would graduate at the same age as most students.

my husband’s family sent him to a small Catholic college for two reasons.  1) They didn’t think he’d take a state college seriously (he knew the $$$ that was going into the college and wouldn’t want to waste his parents money by dropping out) and 2) they knew that even if he lost his way for a while (and he did) that the Sisters and Monks present would be a constant gentle reminder of the Loving God who was waiting for him.  Saying that, it was VERY expensive and we’re still paying off his loans.  But for HIM it was the right choice.

“The Godless Delusion” by Patrick Madrid and Kenneth Hensley.  Read it yourself and then start arguing with your son and challenging him to read it too.

I think he is just finding his way.  I know very few Catholic adults who were on the straight and narrow all the way thru adulthood.  Most value their faith greatly because they chose it for themselves as adults.  He is an adult now and has to choose for himself.  The best thing to do is love him thru it all.