I was very surprised when I read this, because only four years ago I used to be very much like your daughter. I was introverted and insecure, seeking security in being the best student in all of my classes and gaining huge amounts of praise and admiration from all of my teachers. They did nothing but fawn over me and always proclaim how good I was, feeding my pride, but still I never felt fulfilled. I grew depressed. I was searching and searching for purpose and a sense of self-worth, but the problem was that I was searching in absolutely the wrong places. I was building my house on sand rather than rock, and that is what made me so unsteady.

It’s a good thing you are recognizing this problem with your daughter, because I suspect that she is going through the very same issues I was. I don’t know what advice to offer you, but I can point you towards what I think is the root of the problem. For me it definitely was issues with confidence and self-worth, and basing those off of what other people thought of me before anything else.

I cannot tell if this is the way this was addressed for me will be the right way for your daughter, but everything changed when my mother started recognizing problems and pulled me out of the school environment to homeschool. It hurt my pride at first, when my work started actually being evaluated for level of quality rather than for how much better it was than the work of other students. I wasn’t able to dazzle my mom and the people she sent my work off to in the same way I had been able to dazzle my teachers. So I was forced to take an honest look at myself and start approaching things in a different way.

There were some things that definitely helped with my shift in where I placed my confidence.  I no longer labeled myself as mainly an intellectual and academic, since I started developing other interests such as painting and drawing, sewing and making things, and playing the piano. I also had a much increased level of responsibility at home, being expected to help take care of the house and help take care of, teach, and nurture my younger siblings. The hugest difference, however, was starting to learn to make God the highest priority in my life. The only true, dependable place to put one’s confidence is in Him, and learning that really makes all the difference!

I hope my shared experience will help! The solutions for your daughter may be different than what the solutions were for me, but hopefully this will have at least helped you to understand the problem better.

Christina, your sensitivity comes trhough loud and clear in your message.  THANK YOU.

We actually did home school for most of her life.  She begged to try elementary school, and I really didn’t want to send her, but my husband thought it would be good for her, so we let her go in fifth grade.  I actually anticipated this exact problem, and it began to surface back then.  I home schooled her for middle school.  I did not let her go to eighth grade like she wanted to, because I expected exactly this problem, of being overly concerned about others’ opinions and worldly success.  We let her go to ninth grade, and I thought at that point that she was “over” the excessive concern with “success”.  Then when she started to getr straight A’s, etc., it was as though she was “addicted to success”. 

You’re right about the other activities—but she sings and plays guitar and gets compliments from everyone she knows on how good she is.  I rarely hear her sing or play guitar just for fun.  She is the third of seven kids, and she used to be quite nurturing toward the younger ones, but now she’s usually just too busy for them.

I do find it helpful to know that you have dealt with, and overcome, this problem.  I am going to really try to focus more on thigns she can do which are NOT judged by others.

I just wanted to say you sound like such a loving and kind mom. I don’t think you handled the going on strike badly. I think that sort of stuff is pretty normal for teenage girls. You might try to talk to her some about some of the people pleasing behavior, but honestly, a lot of people are like that when they are young, they grow and change over time and if they know there is another way (you’ll try to reinforce that to her and you already have) they’ll find their way. Just keep talking to her, even if she doesn’t talk back, give her hugs and try to stay close. The next 3 or 4 years may be kind of odd as she grows into womanhood. I, by the way, am a mother of exactly one toddler boy. But not too long ago I was an adolescent girl!

What a lovely and kind-hearted mom you are- keep us the good work!

I reread my comment, and I didn’t mean to suggest the people pleasing wasn’t a problem, but that with the proper love and guidance and sometimes space, not to mention prayer and inevitable sorrows and failures, she’ll find her way.

LeAnn, I know you’ll get some good feedback here, or at least be pointed to good resources.  One thing I’m looking forward to next month is attending a Catholic Homeschool Conference.  (Just google it and put in your state, or region, then read up and compare).  My little guy turned 5 in December, and we kind of fell off of our routine, but I’m hoping I’ll get some good encouragement and resources in April.  Good luck!

I have known several people who use Seton, and really like it.

We do not use a “Catholic” curriculum. We have had a great experience piecing together a curriculum from several publishers based on what we think will help our child learn best. We use one curriculum for Algebra, another for LA, History/Geography and Science and yet another for Spanish.

I should also add the we use this: http://www.ignatius.com/Textbooks/FaithAndLIfe/index.htm
for our Bible study.

For kindergarten I used Rod and Staff’s curriculum.  It is not Catholic, but Mennonite, but there is not anything doctrinal in it at the very early levels.  They stressed coloring in a Bible Coloring book and the basics of the alphabet and arithmetic.  It is a very gentle curriculum, and my son thrived with it.  Don’t push too hard too quickly with a little one.  Let them be little.  Enjoy this time.  They grow much too quickly!  My “baby” (youngest of 7) is now 9.  I miss those gentle times of kindergarten!

I am finishing up my first year of homeschooling a 7 and 11year old.  I have used Catholic heritage curriculm.  They are VERY user friendly and both kids love them.  There is concise lesson plans to follow easing beginners fears.  The program makes it very easy to use other materials as you see fit as needed for a particular child.  I have used SOS math to engage my sons love of computers.  I put off the call to homeschool because I was afraid it would be to hard or I couldn’t do it but the Lord will guide you.  You know your child best.  It is a lot of work but whata better way to spend your time.
Good Luck.

I’ve homeschooled my sons since my oldest was in 5th grade (he’s now a freshman in college) and have used Mother of Divine Grace http://www.motherofdivinegrace.org.  I enrolled in the school since I had a fifth-grader, but you can just purchase the syllabus for kindergarten and follow the lesson plans at home.  The curriculum in the early years is very gentle and really helps the children to learn at the right pace.  I also high recommend getting a copy of the book Designing Your Own Classical Curriculum by Laura Berquist.  This book has suggestions for every grade from K-12.  It’s a valuable resource.  God bless your endeavor.  Deciding to home school was the best decision I’ve ever made!

We pray about our educational choices for our kids every year.  I am not opposed to putting them in school but do feel that homeschooling is the best choice for us - at least this year.  I’ve heard many many people say homeschooling is their calling and I used to say it as well, but, the spiritual director for our co-op, a very holy priest, once told us that homeschooling is NOT a calling.  People don’t mean to get it wrong, but they are not using the term in the correct way.  Our calling is to our vocation..to be a mother, a wife, or maybe a nun, priest, etc.  So, don’t worry too much about following your calling to homeschool or not.  That being said, here are some of our reasons.
1.  More family time with parents and siblings - they still fight but have a different relationship with each other than some other kids I see.
2.  More free time to explore other interests.
3.  More individual tutor time with mom.
4.  The ability to plan our days, vacations, etc. around my dh job rather than the school year calendar.
5.  Better control over the infuences my kids are exposed to (I am in no way saying that kids that go to school are bad influences or that all homeschool kids are good influences…but homeschoolers often get together and we parents can see how different children act and can decide if it’s a friendship we’d like to discourage or encourage - my kids play with kids all the time that go to both public and private schools)
6. More opportunities for impromptu discussions, esp. with the older kids because they are here when they read something interesting or appalling.
7.  The ability to move at their own pace, some of my kids are ahead in some subjects.
8.  The ability to slow down and master material rather than moving on without understanding it because the class needs to.
9.  The ability to choose other books or modes of learning based on learning styles.
10.  The chance for the kids to learn some subjects together and work on discussing things together with kids of varying ages (the real world).
11.  There are so many opportunities out there for homeschoolers.  I have to say no to most of them or we wouldn’t be home homeschooling.

There are minuses as well.  I am very very busy.  My kids sometimes have to wait for me to figure something out before I can explain it to them.  They are here ALL THE TIME (*smile* which is great but on dreary fighting days the school bus looks like it’s sent from heaven).  While my kids have more time to explore outside interests I have less.

Regarding your dd being exposed to other religious opinions…I am certainly not a person who would say throw them out there to evangelize. I think they are too young and still very impressionable themselves.  But, good can come out of it.  My dd was a bit older (10?) when her best friend starting pushing religious questions on her (she is protestant - we think the Q’s were really coming from her dad).  My dd is so much firmer in her faith now because of the discussions between the two…really the resulting discussions with us.  The main thing my dd came away with is the Catholic church has the answers, we just need to find them.  Her friend’s family couldn’t find answers to support their views much of the time.  Our dd is now 15 and very solid in her faith and welcomes her friend’s questions

And, whatever you choose to do, remember it doesn’t have to be permanent. If you choose to homeschool and decide it isn’t working they can go back.  For the younger kids, if you can keep them up with the core subjects they should be able to enter back into school without a problem either mid year or next year.  God Bless

As far as homeschooling being a calling…I’m not sure I ever really thought of it that way.  At present, we have children ages 21 mos., 4, 7, 10, 12 & 14 & have educated them all at home from day one.  For us, it was a natural extension of our vocation as parents, whom the Church recognizes as being the primary educators of our children & nurturers of their immortal souls.  For us this seems the most natural way to live out Catholic family life as the domestic church (we like to think of it as the domestic monastery).  It has been a tremendous blessing for our entire family.  We have all grown very much in our love & knowledge of the Faith & in our relationship with each other.

I homeschool currently because my son was failing in the public school system. With other children, I have homeschooled them for a year or two due to severe bullying, medical problems, and psychological issues. I plan to homeschool my youngest two sons not because of religious reasons, but because I wish them to have a richer educational background than what is offered in our area.

I look at it this way—as part of my calling as a wife and mother, I am obligated to make the best choices for each child, at that particular moment in time. We are suffering through a two year separation from my husband due in part to my oldest daughter needing to graduate from high school in an environment that suits her. There is no way I can take her out of a high school where she is one of the stars, winning regional and state art contests, competing in regional and state academic decathalons, and having a great set of supportive friends, and move her across the country to a place she hates. Next year is her senior year, we will all be so relieved when it’s over.

But as her mother I have to make the best choice for her, and this high school is it. The best choice for my oldest son is for him to homeschool this year. I have to balance each choice, at each moment. My daughter would shrivel up and become an unsocialized wallflower if I homeschooled her right now. She needs the competitive life, right now, as she didn’t ten years ago.

Often, our first impulse as mothers is to shelter the children from any harm. It’s not always the right thing to do. Sometimes it is. We have to make honest discerning choices. Especially if we’re pretty shy and secluded people ourselves—we may not see that our children aren’t always going to benefit from our knee-jerk response to protect them from lies, from questions, from struggles, from difficulty. We have to make honest choices for each child, listing the positives and negatives. So often, a child will do better than we thought they would, since all we were paying attention to were our fears.

We’re supposed to live in this world. I rather dread the world many people wish to create, of secluded homeschooling farming Catholics. We’d be the next batch of Amish. And I hate tourists taking pictures of me. =)

I’ll add, we also personally don’t feel that the compulsory school model of education makes sense—where children spend 13 of their most formative years in a peer segregated environment, spending the majority of their time away form their parents/family & under the influence of others.

Part of the reason I homeschool is because of worries about secular influences but that’s because I live in Canada and our provincial school curriculum has a strong slant of you-must-approve when dealing with alternative lifestyles.  It’s a much more serious matter when the conflict is coming from texts and teachers.

[another part of why I homeschool is that my husband *starts* work at 3:30pm and he likes seeing our school-age children during the week]

I also enjoy teaching the children, even though I’m not the most organized person when it comes to housework but then I did always enjoy tutoring.

I will say from experience that as long as you encourage such questioning your children will come up with questions such as ‘Will people who don’t believe in God go to heaven?’. 

I think a lot of burn out from people starting to homeschool is from neglecting to factor in the amount of work involved in any major life change.  While it is possible to become more organized and manage teaching school age children and younger child - it can take some work and time.  If you decide to homeschool plan on it taking a few months to settle into your new lifestyle.

When people say they have a calling to homeschool, it’s not the same as a calling or vocation to a state in life.  I have often say that God “called” me to homeschool, cut I don’t mean it’s my vocation as mother and wife is.  I simply mean that as I was discerning how to proceed with our sons’ education, I prayed intensely and believe God showed me the path He wanted me to take.

We had our two oldest in our parish school and we were experiencing less-than-faithful Catholic teaching and a lack of challenge for one son, while the other son was facing socialization challenges.  I prayed for more than a year in front of the Blessed Sacrament about what to do and every time I turned around I would run into something about homeschooling (a Time magazine article, radio programs, etc.).  I was hesitant to try it because I recognized that it was a lifestyle change and not just a new venue for learning.  However, since we made that decision in 2001, we have found many ways in which God has blessed our family.  My oldest is now a freshman at a small Catholic college and doing very well.  The education they received (we’re enrolled in Mother of Divine Grace http://www.motherofdivinegrace.org) is not only fully Catholic but also far more advanced than what many children receive in either parochial or public schools. 

It must be something that you see as coming from God, however, because in order to be successful at it, you have to rely on His grace on a daily basis.  It is definitely both the most challenging and the most rewarding things I’ve done in my whole life.  God bless you while you discern where God is leading you!  Someone recommend Catholic Education:  Homeward Bound by Kimberly Hahn as a resource for discernment….I agree!

I loved the Rod and Staff preschool curriculum.  It was gentle and easy to use.  My son learned without feeling pushed.  As far as preschool goes, more is not necessarily better.  I know Rod and Staff is a Mennonite company, but there is nothing doctrinal in the preschool or kindergarten curriculum, and some of their books for older students, particularly science books have been used by Seton Homeschool.  Seton is pretty traditional, so I felt comfortable using the Rod and Staff books.

I recommend Five in a Row http://fiarhq.com/fiveinarow.info/index.html
The stories are wonderful and many books can be found the library.  My kids love it.

I purchased and used Little Saints Preschool.  I would think it through on this note.  It is not for everyone.  I would say if you have the time to devote to it; you’ll have fun.  It is a great curriculum, but for us; it was too much.  I was caring for other children, and I did not have the time to prepare all of the materials to use with her. 

It is A LOT of preparation.  After that, it is wonderful.  I can only say that I used it for a month, maybe two; and then I sold it.  It was toooo much at that age for me.

I might also add that we used the Rod and Staff books and loved them.  They were the perfect fit.

I bought Little Saints last year. It’s a wonderful book but too much for us. There are craft supplies and copying required to prepare for most lessons. Our library also due to budget cuts only lets you reserve 10-15 books at once so it was hard to get books in advance of the lessons. I think it would work better in a small playgroup type settings where you could take turns with the lessons. We did a few of the crafts and games ideas. We did use the book list for each lesson to reserve books from the library and did lots of reading time. My daughter turned 3 last October. I’m thinking about Catholic Heritage Curriculum for next year.

For science….you might want to check into the Apologia Exploring Creation with…....series.  There are a bunch of them.  I’ve been impressed.  They come with questions at the end of each chapter and you can buy the test/answer key booklet as well.

I use and enjoy Connecting with history.  It takes a bit of getting used to because it’s closer to a how to teach it yourself guide then a lesson quide but this means that it’s very easy to adapt to the children.