Print Blog
Email a FriendBeautiful, Arwen! I think you hit the nail on the head. I can’t imagine what my life would be like without my siblings. And every time I worry about not spending enough one-on-one time with one of my four kids, I remind myself that even as the youngest of five, I never recall feeling like I was neglected or not important or didn’t get enough time with my parents. There was always someone around so I wouldn’t feel that way, and really, I never knew any different! I find, too, that as your kids go through different phases you find new times to spend with them that you didn’t have before… like when the 7-year-old gets to stay up later than her siblings is now our special time to read together. I couldn’t do that even six months ago with the baby needing me so much. Anyway, God bless you and your family!
Sibling Gifts
Posted by Arwen Mosher in Family on Friday, October 14, 2011 4:04 PM
Once or twice a year all my siblings and I are in the same place.
Last weekend was one of those times. The six of us went out to dinner for my youngest sister’s birthday. We laughed so hard my stomach ached afterward, but my eyes also welled up a couple times as we shared stories and support and joy at being together.
What a gift my parents gave us in each other.
One of the hard things for me as a mother right now is scarcity of time and energy. I want to hold both twins all the time. I want to cuddle Blaise whenever he likes. I want to read every book to Camilla. But each time I choose one of those things, I give up another.
With the twins, I try to console myself that what they miss in Mama-attention, they’ll make up by having a twin brother. I trust that it’s true. Dinner out with my own brothers and sisters reminded me that it’s not only the twins who benefit each from having each other.
Sometimes I sit on the couch with both twins on my lap and Camilla and Blaise on either side. I tell stories and ask questions and try to keep the big kids from squishing the babies as they fight for the position closest to me. As much as I try to savor the moment, I often feel stretched and a little sad that I can’t give them all what they want.
But then I catch a vision of them twenty years down the road, gathered around a big table as my siblings and I were, enjoying good food and drink, teasing and confiding and being all the good things that adult siblings can be for each other. I want them to be as my siblings are for me: the huggers and the encouragers, the voices at the other end of the phone line in times of good news and bad, the best of friends.
Like I said: what a gift my parents gave us in each other.
I know that not all siblings get along as well as mine and I do. And I don’t want to paint a too-rosy picture. We do have our struggles. We just, fortunately, all care enough to try hard to overcome them.
But if some of us didn’t exist, we wouldn’t even be able to try. My parents stretched and sacrificed and couldn’t give us everything we wanted, so that all of us could be here now. I’m ever grateful to them for that.
As we struggle through these early years, I know what to pray for my own children: that someday these moments of not-enough-Mama will someday fade to nothing because they have each other.
Comments
Page 1 of 1 pages
Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!!!! I am due to give birth to #2 any day now & just spent yesterday literally bawling my eyes out because I felt I was about to ruin the beautiful family that my husband & daughter & myself have become. I just can’t imagine our family getting any better… yet here comes baby #2 ready-or-not! So… if it can’t get any better that means its about to get…??! *sigh* Of course I imagine every 2nd time Mom feels this way at some point. But your article was exactly what I needed to hear. I am going to print it off and tuck it away to re-read when the going gets rough from time to time. It will help me to keep perspective—that right NOW I might not be able to be all things to everyone all the time… but that in 20 years my kids will have each other. And instead of fretting about what I can’t give them NOW I can focus on what I am giving them for the future: someone to be a friend, an ear, a hug, a companion-on-the-way long after I’m gone… Again, thank you for the perspective!
God bless you as you get ready to have your second child. Just as it’s hard to imagine the depth of love you can have for another human being before you have your first child, it’s hard to imagine that you’ll have that much love for a second child. When I left home to go to the hospital to deliver my second, I cried and apologized to my then 2 year old and told him I would always love him most. Imagine my surprise when his brother was born and I realized that I didn’t have to divide my love, it miraculously multiplied!!! And it has multiplied still more with the third and fourth children. Each is unique and precious in his own way but the love I have for them cannot be measured. It just IS and it’s more love than this world can hold.
Thanks Arwen! I’m expecting my 3rd in a few weeks and really appreciate your post. Just yesterday I read a blog post on the Children’s Hospital Boston site that had another lovely take on sibling relationships (http://www.childrenshospital.org, scroll down to click on the blog post: The ties that bind–and shape and hold). So nice to think of the gift we’re giving our children down the road.
How beautiful, Arwen! I often wish I had more siblings…especially a sister. My brother is five years older than me and we were never very close as he was already in school when I was born. I dream of a large family though, we are expecting #4 in a few weeks and I am listening to the others play right now in the basement. Sometimes they argue but much of the time they help, encourage and console one another…and they are so excited about the new baby.
Arwen, thank you for writing this. We also are blessed with a Blaise, who is 19 months old. Blaise has a very rare syndrome that has already had him hospitalized 8 times/3 surgeries. We often worry that his older brother(3 years old) does not get enough attention and that resentment will build towards us and his baby brother. But God sees the big picture, and sometimes we get glimpses of the beauty. Before our last surgery, my husband and I were discussing at the table, and we hear the older one saying, “It’s okay Blaisey. I will take care of you. I will come to the hospital and take care of you. It’s okay.” In the end, as we pray about having another baby, we know that God is still, and always, in control.
This article gave my heart some peace. Thank you. My 4th is two months old. These last 8-10 weeks have been so hard, as I try to give each of the kids everything they need. I’m failing miserably at it and stressing myself out. This article helped me see the big picture. They usually do get along beautifully together. They often take care of each other and will be able to help themselves more in a few years. I’ve given birth to a bunch of best friends that get to live together, fight with each other and know they will be forgiven. These rough couple of years are very worth that gift.
Arwen, I agree, it is such a gift to have adult siblings. I can’t imagine not having my sister and two brothers. And so I worry about my daughter who is an only child, missing out on that experience. I have very mixed feelings. I feel very fortunate that we are close and I have had the opportunity to give her so much of my time. I think I just need to trust that God gave us one child for a reason. He knows what is best for our family.
Great article. As a mother of an only child (not by my choice), I have to say that God knows what he’s doing when it comes to family size, whether big, small or in between. That being said, I do think that siblings are among the best gifts that a person can receive, and I also appreciate that this article and its comments have remained positive and have not been critical toward small families.
I see that you were a bit frustrated by a post further down, Claire, and I can understand. But I wanted to chime in to say that I am an adult only child as my mother couldn’t have any more children. Rest assured, there are some wonderful blessings that have come into my life as a result. And while I imagine that adult siblings would be great *in theory*, I cannot imagine them in practice. The thought of helping out aging parents or any other form of service on my own (with the help of my husband) isn’t daunting, as it’s what I’ve expected all along.
God has blessed my life in many ways, siblings or not. I have faith that it will be the same for your son.
Sarah, thank you for your reassurance. I worry a lot about the consequences of my son not having siblings, both now and when he’s an adult. But I also love the one-on-one time that I have with him, and as I mentioned before, God clearly has his reasons for limiting our family size. I hope that my son will feel as positive about being an only child as you do.
Claire, lots of siblings don’t automatically mean lots of family togetherness later in life. I have lots of siblings and they live far away from each other, are not social, and have little to do with each other (not my wish at all). So I rely on my only close friend who is a lifeline for me and she is an ONLY CHILD. I don’t know how I would survive without her. Devout Catholic, down-to-earth, very loving and supportive. She always speaks of the great love she experienced from her mother which has given her a huge capacity to love. Because only children are not as busy with extended family activities they are more available to those in need, if they have a great capacity for love. I think it’s more about how you raise what you have.
Claire,
One of my oldest friends is an only child. She has taught me how to be a friend in ways that my siblings never have. Because I have three sisters close to my age, I was very lazy about maintaining friendships. My friend taught me in words and deeds how to reach out to people, take them seriously, and include them into your life. I think in my case because I had “built in” friends, I was neglectful of my outside friendships. I took them for granted. I still have to relearn this lesson sometimes, even at the ripe old age of 45. Friendships matter both outside of the family as well as inside the family.
From the other end of life with siblings, when my mom and then my dad needed caregiving, and then passed away, my siblings and I said to each other so many times, “I’m so glad I have all of you to go through all this with.” I have friends who are only children, and all the responsibility and sorrow falls on them alone. Even though friends are there for them, there isn’t that visceral bond that comes with being siblings. Even in the times they can be difficult, they are still the ones who share that bond with you. I will forever thank my parents for having a large family, and I am grateful that my three daughters have each other.
Being born into a family with one or more siblings not only doesn’t guarantee they will become friends but also doesn’t assure they will be available to help in parents care as they age. My husband lost one adult sibling at a fairly young age, another lives across the country which leaves only us to handle aging/ill parents and even looking in on an aunt whose 3 children do not reside in-state and visit rarely. My stepmom lost 3 siblings all in separate tragic early deaths——she is left to bear witness to her parents grief and aging alone. Only children are not necessarily lonely and multiple siblings are not always friends. All children and families are blessings regardless of size, source of creation (birth, merging families, adoption, guardianship, etc.). A family is created by the love that binds us together. I never had a birth sister but I was blessed to discover a friend that became a “sister of the heart”. My children were born with wide age gaps in some instances which doesn’t lend to “automatic built in buddies”. However, the timing wasn’t my plan but God’s which means it is the perfect one for us. There are lessons and blessings to learn from all situations. My hope is that my children will one day be friends of the heart and not just siblings by birth.
What a beautiful post, Arwen. Your family is an inspiration! I hope and pray that my children will one day be as close as you and your siblings.
Claire, I don’t think Lisa was being uncharitable. She wasn’t being critical towards small families, or questioning people for not having more kids. She was just stating that when it comes to taking care of aging parents, only children don’t have the support of siblings. As an only child who is taking care of my father, I can tell you she speaks the truth. My dad needs full time care, and it is REALLY HARD. My cousin helps out as much as she can, but the reality is that there is no one to relieve me and my husband. My husband is one of 5, and when his mother got frail enough that the kids worried about her living alone, they took turns having her live with them. And when she needed full-time care, the 3 who lived in the same town were able to share the responsibilities.
My parents wanted to have more kids, but they couldn’t. While I would have loved siblings, I also have no regrets about the way things are. And on the bright side—when my husband and I have to make decisions about my dad’s care, we don’t have to answer to any of my non-existent siblings. This has been a source of tension in his family. There’s pros and cons either way.
Maybe uncharitable was the wrong word, but I do think it was insensitive. She could have said she was grateful for her siblings without highlighting the difficulties of only children. Believe me, I’m well aware of how hard it will be for my son when my husband and I have health problems. I am also well aware of all the other downsides of having just one child, and I’m sure everyone else is too. There is no need to highlight them. Parents of only children worry enough without having it thrown in their face. I am one of two people on this forum who have been unable to have more than one child and who have verbalized having mixed feelings about this situation. Right before Lisa’s comment, I had verbalized appreciation for the fact that the article and the comments had rightfully celebrated the blessing of siblings without being insensitive to small families. It’s unfortunate that the very next comment contradicted what I had said.
I don’t think Lisa was being uncharitable either. I think, Claire, that you might be very sensitive to this subject so any talk of the joy of having many siblings vs. the difficulties of having none is going to upset you. Your disappointment and (possibly) anger at your inability to have more than one child is very evident in the tone of your initial response to Lisa and in your subsequent emails. I find them a bit uncharitable too. Try to keep in mind that one person’s opinion is simply that, their own opinion based on their own experience. It has nothing to do with you or your experience. In fact, it may be that Lisa did not even read your comment before posting. If you read the end of Arwen’s blogpost, she is talking about the early years when siblings are young. Lisa starts out with “From the other end of life with siblings….” and then goes in to a discussion on caring for elderly parents. I’m nearly certain that her post had absolutely nothing to do with yours and that, because you are sensitive to this subject, you took it the wrong way. BTW, I do not know Lisa but I felt very badly for her when I read your response since I believe that her comment was not in any way directed at you.
oh Claire ((hugs))
i’m so sorry that this is such a painful topic for you. i often read your comments about your little man and i’m sure that his life is filled with much joy and love!
i just wanted to say (really, gently, i swear!) that i really don’t think Lisa meant that comment to be a dig at small families or only children, merely an emphasis on how having siblings has been a blessing to her, esp in light of watching others around her. She most likely just scrolled to comment before even realizing what was written directly before her.
I’m so sorry, Claire, that it’s a difficult topic for you. But there’s joy and difficulty in EVERY family, regardless of the number of siblings, and you need to find some way to come to terms with your situation. I think that dwelling on the negative aspects of having only one child is not healthy for you or your child.
I have four children and while I love that they have each other and will be there for their siblings long after I am gone, I sometimes am envious of my friends who have only one child and can pour all of their energy, time, and money into that child. But if I fixated on the fact that I have to divide my time between them, say “no” because we don’t have enough money, or got sad and depressed every time I heard a story about how fabulous it is to be able to continue to travel or take advantage of opportunities that are more difficult for larger families to do, I would be a wreck. My life is what it is and I love it.
If you want another child in your and your child’s life but cannot physically have them, maybe you can find other ways to make that happen. Spend a lot of time with cousins if they are near or use Skype to video chat with them often if they are far away—Skype is great and it’s free! My boys spend time on Skype with their only child cousin who lives 1000 miles away. They play games online with her. We can have meals “together” or show a picture we made in school. And we visit with her as often as we can.
Perhaps your child has some close friends that they can spend lots of time with. My sister’s child (the only child mentioned above) has several friends who are also only children. They have developed very close relationships.
And if your family is looking for something a little more permanent, perhaps you could consider fostering or adoption. You might even consider hosting exchange students for a year at a time. I have a friend who has done this for several years and she considers each of them one of her daughters and she loves them as if they were. (She highly recommends the YFU exchange program, btw.) There are many ways to make a family and bearing children is just one. Some of my closest friends are not my siblings but I cherish them as if they were family.
I’m sure that as your child grows and becomes an adult he (or she) will form friendships with others that will sustain him throughout his life. There will be friends from school and from college, fraternity brothers or sorority sisters, a spouse who may have siblings that become as close as siblings to your child, work colleagues, children of his or her own. The opportunity to have close friends and family does not depend solely on having brothers and sisters.
I will pray for peace for you. I’m sorry that you’re hurting and wish I could give you a big hug!
Thanks to everyone who has offered their support to me. I’m sorry for hijakcing this thread; it honestly was not my intention. And I know that Lisa didn’t intend to be uncharitable toward mothers of onlies. It just hurts to be reminded of the very things that I worry about (him being all alone later in life, etc).
I want to clarify that I do enjoy the positive aspects of having just one child, and I know that God’s plan for my family size is better than anything I could come up with. And I understand that having more children wouldn’t guarantee the issues that I worry about (him caring for us by himself when we’re older, etc). I try to be mindful of this, but I do have my moments of worrying and feeling guilty about it. I guess that’s what motherhood is all about.
Jill, my son actually is adopted. In 7.5 years of marriage, I have only been pregnant twice (the last time was 4 years ago), and I’ve never been able to stay pregnant beyond the first trimester. For many reasons, we have decided not to actively pursue a second adoption, although we would certainly jump at the chance if an adoption (or a biological child) fell in our lap. My son was actually born a few months after my second miscarriage, 6 weeks before my identical twins would have been born. So while the miscarriage remains painful, I don’t regret it, because without it I wouldn’t have my son who is the joy of my life.
Again, I apologize for dominating this thread, and I am very grateful to all who have given me words of encouragement and support and have shared their experiences that relate to my situation.
Jill - Thank you so much. I wanted to say the same thing. I, too, don’t know Lisa, but it was clear to me from reading what she wrote that she was being neither critical nor uncharitable either generally or towards Claire or anyone else specifically. She was simply pointing out one of the joys of siblings that comes later in life, that of having someone to share in caregiving, who loves your parents as you do.
I have one brother. I m glad we got to have him. I m adopted and he is adopted…. separately. His 2 little gals are the dearest to me, I always send them something for holidays and birthdays. My mother could never have any more. It is very funny now that I am about to adopt. I almost think of her as a resource. I have older brothers and sisters in heaven. I have never met them.
I am glad I waited to get married and will have more money to do things for my family.
I like small families too. We grew up here in Florida and never had to share the fact that going to Disney with my cousins made my family. Cousins were brothers and sisters. We did stuff with them: went fishing on the dock at Grams house, went swimming in the Gulf. We even went crabbing at low tide. Good times. Good memories
Post a Comment
By submitting this form, you give Faith And Family Magazine permission to publish this comment. Comments will be published at our discretion, and may be edited for clarity and length. For best formatting, please limit your response to one paragraph and don't hit "enter" to force line breaks.
