Effort is important but it’s also important to know that you aren’t going to get it right without repeated effort.  This article says what seemed 2nd nature to my Mom when she was raising us.
With our kids I’m trying to encourage them to be willing to try and fail, and try again.  I tell them it’s all part of learning.  I started with spills when helping in the kitchen, accidents when potty training, climbing and playing ball in the yard and now onto learning letters/sounds and numbers in pre-school.  They’re not afraid to try because they know they’ll learn eventually.  I hope they can keep this eagerness to try and persist as they grow.

Interesting.  I just read a book someone recommended to me called Mindset.  It addresses this and gets into how different people interpret different methods of praise.

I try and praise actions, not God-given talent.
I am more likely to say, “wow, all that practice paid off!”
“Good job!! You worked so hard on that.”
” “What a good friend you are for sharing your favorite toy”
What an interesting choice of colors you picked. That was very creative.”
Along with good try, it will get easier with time, keep working at it, let me know if you want help….
Not… You’re so smart, you’re so talented, youre so sweet…
I also try to keep their aspirations realistic. Children cannot be anything they want. Just wanting something badly enough will not make it happen. I have a colorblind son. There are occcupations, including ones he’s dreamed about, that he will never do. No amount of hard work will overcome the fact the boy can’t see green. Same with my son with aspergers and some learning diabilities. He will not be a naval aviator. Period. It doesn’t mean they can’t be great at other things, be fulfilled, be passionate but you need to be realistic. If I constantly fed them lines about how smart, special, top of the heap, you can do anything RAH, RAH, RAH it would set them up for some major disappointment and resentmen instead of helping them see the big picture and steer them towards success instead of broken dreams.

I’ve seen first hand how the self-esteem building has backfired. So many kids today are such horrible losers. They have been fed the line so long about how fabulous they are they cant fathom someone else is better at something than they are, and many parents aren’t much better. I’ve watched children sob hysterically upon losing, parents enraged when a team or child doesn’t win. Whatever happened to gracious losers?

I’m not sure where it comes from, but my 8-year old seems to think he should be able to do things well after a few tries. I have to keep telling him that it’s all about PRACTICE.

I definitely emphasize effort over ability, both with my own kids and, when I’m teaching, with my students.  I have worked with a lot of kids who struggle in math, and I tell them honestly that math is harder for some people than for others (just like most things) but that with hard work, they can master the material.

I agree that at some point in parenting you have to ignore what “experts” say and do what you think works best for your kids in your situation.  Experts say one thing one year and another thing another year.  Common sense works better than experts.

My parents were old school and didn’t pile on the praise.  Neither do I.  Accuracy is my rule of thumb.  If they do well I say so.  If they screw up I say so.

I’ve read that observations without value judgments are best, but it’s a really hard habit to get into.

Oh, I really like that article. It makes so much sense to me. I think children really yearn for affirmation of their goodness (heck, I think adults really yearn for affirmation of their goodness). But I think that’s precisely why we have to be careful what kind of affirmation we’re giving them—in other words, *not* saying “good job!” when they haven’t actually done a good job. I think lavishing children with reminders of all kinds—hugs and kisses, words and quality time—that they are loved because of who they are, regardless of their success or failure, is the right background for encouraging them to try harder when they’re struggling with something and calling them out when they’re not doing as well as they could be. A kid who’s secure in his parents’ unconditional love is going to be much more willing to take risks than a kid who thinks their approval hinges on his report card.

The original definition of self-esteem went something like “how a child feels when he accomplishes something valued by the community”  Note “accomplishes”  and “valued”. you can’t give someone self-esteem, you can only provide opportunities where they can earn it themselves. 

I say about my second son that the boy needs a woodpile (and my f-i-l 3 states away has a woodpile that needs a boy). If they lived closer together the boy would be working hard outside everyday and he could see (and feel since my f-i-l sets the thermometer to 80) how valuable/useful that work was.