Kinda Lonely,

Praying for you. Is DH on the same page as you faith-wise?

I would definitely try to communicate your concerns to your husband while you have the chance—I’m not sure what the specifics of your situation are,  but is there a chance your DH hasn’t even picked up on some of the emotions or distance you’ve been feeling? Or possibly doesn’t interpret them in the same way? I know how easy it is for me to feel more emotional at times (like now at the end of my pregnancy) because of the life changes, the hormones, etc.

I’ve been getting email digests for awhile now from the couple who runs Engaged Marriage—it’s been great for our communication, I highly recommend the site and maybe signing up for their emails as well. They’ve also written “15 Minute Marriage Makover,” and the feature post on the blog right now might be very timely for you (called “How to Talk to Your Partner About What You Don’t Like Without Starting World War II): http://www.engagedmarriage.com/

The first step is always communication, but since there may be more underlying issues, maybe you could look into a Marriage Encounter or Retrouvaille as well…

Prayers to you!

Check out http://www.thealexanderhouse.org.  They were featured on EWTN Live last night, and their site offers amazing resources.  Offering prayers for you now.

Kinda Lonely, I’m so sorry to hear you’re struggling in this way. Just another resource to throw in there - a book called “The Five Love Languages”. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/ Dr. Chapman, the author, takes the approach that oftentimes spouses speak their love for each other in different “languages”, so the spouse on the receiving end is missing the love given and their “love tank” can run down to empty. There are lots of explanations on the website, along with tests for each spouse to take. Maybe your love for each other has kind of gotten lost in translation over time?

Also - you mentioned what a struggle it is to be humble. Here is an amazing prayer that can do wonders in that department - http://www.ewtn.com/devotionals/prayers/humility.htm (I should be saying this prayer more regularly…thanks for the reminder!! And congratulations on your baby coming soon! Prayers for you ~J

I remember feeling at that same place after our first was born.  Eventually, I wrote him a letter just saying that I loved him and knew he loved me, but I felt so lonely and distant and didn’t even know why.  I knew he’d been trying to connect and so had I, but somehow the *feeling* of closeness just wasn’t there.  It turned out he’d been feeling much the same way and that mutual acknowledgement really broke the ice for us.  It just gave us a place to start talking, and sharing that struggle helped us feel connected again.  So maybe you could write to him what you wrote here (how much you loved that closeness when your first was born, how much you needed/need him, how hard the feeling of distance is [while acknowledging anything you can tell he’s been doing to try to stay close to you], how you wonder if he’s been feeling the same way).  The writing helps, I think, so you can think things through for yourself and so he doesn’t feel defensive being confronted but can process on his own a bit.  hth!

Kinda Lonely,
I’m so sorry, I’ll be praying for you.  It sounds like you have so many nice memories from the birth of your first—so maybe a good way to reach out to your husband would be to sit down and relive those memories with him.  Look through a photo album or whatever mementos you have of your first baby’s birth with him, and tell him what good memories you have because of how much he helped you then.  In my marriage I have found that when I couldn’t feel close to my husband, focusing on memories of being in love and romantic moments in our dating period and early marriage helped me feel closer to my husband here and now.

The USCCB also has a website, http://www.foryourmarriage.org  that has some great information on it.  Don’t give in too much to your “feelings” .  They come and go.  Make the decision to love your husband and try to do an act of love for him every day.  The closeness will come!

Although I am not in that position I am wondering if an objective third-party could help sort things out.  There might even be compromises that you and your husband haven’t thought of, like both working from home, or both working part-time.  Also, has your husband stated what his reasons are for prefering to be the stay-at-home parent?  Such as, does he just have a stronger paternal instinct than most men and loves being with the kids, or did he just hate the stress of the rat-race working outside of the home?  Is it he really doesn’t trust how you would parent or is that just an excuse?  Parenting decisions can be mutual so maybe if knew he was still involved in the decision-making he would be more willing to leave the kids with you.  Also, right now things might seem kind of nice to him with only one child but I bet when he has two or three little ones to take care of his tune might change, especially if he is also responsible for all the cooking and cleaning.  Also his perspective might change when the kids are older and he has to take them to playdates and activities which are only frequented by moms. He might start feeling like a fish out of water.  Not many men feel comfortable as the only man in a group of women.  So let him know things are going to get harder for him if he stays home.

I’d agree with a third-party, especially if calmly discussing it doesn’t go anywhere with just the two of you.  But, if dh is on the same faith page (or, if he isn’t, you could do this on your own), putting it in terms of God’s will and then agreeing to pray about it (54 day rosary novena, or maybe a novena to St. Joseph the Worker) and seeing if you end up on the same page then - God does want couples to be united and if there is real openness to His will, He will lead both your hearts there. 
The above is me trying to be objective, but I agree with you; God made women physically to be the ones to care for littles, so in most cases (yes, I know there are legitimate exceptions), I’d figure it should be the mother doing so.  Plus, you have Gaudium et Spes on your side.   “The active presence of the father is highly beneficial to [the children’s] formation. The children, especially the younger among them, need the care of their mother at home.  This domestic role of hers must be safely preserved…” (GS 52.1, Abbott trans.)

Thank you both for your very helpful suggestions and comments.

For 19 of the almost 21 years of our marriage, my hair has been the length he likes, not the length I prefer.  (Yes, he likes it much longer than I do.)  I figure he doesn’t complain about the extra weight, the stretch marks, or the fact that I don’t keep the house spotless.  The least I can do is wear my hair the way he likes.

I assume you’ve tried lots of different hair care products to try to keep it from breaking or tangling?  Fine hair is sooo hard to keep long.

Get a great cut & style the way *you* love it, and ask the person to teach you how to keep it looking *fabulous.*  You can also find tutorials on Youtube.

Then, compromise on something else he likes.  Does he like more makeup on you? Or less?  Lipstick? Or more skirts? Or heels? Or what if you upgraded your everyday bras & panties to something perhaps a little less practical but a little more eye-catching for him.

I like cjmr’s point about being appreciative of what we assume he is overlooking.
And I truly respect the power of the visual for men.  But I assure you, as much as my dh (teasingly) mourns the loss of my long hair, I think he would probably say he’s rejoicing in the ways I make up for cutting it!  (I *feel* so much more flirtatious w/him just knowing my haircut actually flatters my face/size/height/age, too.)

My husband prefers my hair longer also, but he’s not asking for waist-length hair or anything.    It’s past my shoulders - not quite mid-way down my back, but longer probably than most 45 year old’s.  The one thing that struck me about your conversation was you said ‘hair cut’.  After almost 19 years of marriage, I have learned to say that I’m going to get my hair trimmed rather than cut.  When I said ‘hair cut’ for some reason he thinks I’m going to cut it all off.  The other thing that I think is that you can have longer hair and still get it trimmed, and I think you might be far happier with your hair if you trimmed it more often.  I can’t imagine what my hair would look like if I went a year between cuts (trims - ha!).  My hair doesn’t grow evenly, and the ends get straggly, so keeping it trimmed makes it much fuller looking and easier to manage.  I feel like I’m at a point where both my husband and I are happy with my hair.  I think you guys can get their also!

I’m with Shelia.  Never, ever, ever say cut.  Trimmed is best.  Also, have you tried trimming a little at a time.  My DH never notices when I get my hair cut, although my DD of 5 always does!  LOL Maybe he won’t even notice!

My 13 yo isn’t into girls’ hair…yet.  Maybe all men are 15 or 16, eternally.    My hair is longer than I want, because of him.  So far, the added long layers and the expensive volumizing shampoo really help to make it prettier.  I also upgraded from a simple ponytail to a mature-looking hair clip that holds my ponytail in a bun-like configuration (not “old-lady” bun, but more sophisticated, yet still casual).  If I’m just at home, I tend to do the pony-tail, but I do think I’m too old for that.  Say that to my husband and he’ll grumble that women get their hair shorter and shorter the older they get, and that I’m not old, he hates old-woman hair, reminds me of his mother, etc etc.  Oh, one last thing: Marcia Brady ironed her hair!  I did recently purchase a hair iron, too, and that also gives me a more polished, not stringy, look.  I think instead of going to the hair salon once or twice a year, go back to the seasonal visits.  Ask the hairdresser for help with keeping the length but in a different style - some layers or angled near your face.  Even if you only get a trim, your hair will do better with more frequent attention, and some style.  If she uses a hair iron with good results, then buy one…they are easy to use.

Only you know him… but I would personally say I would do what *I* felt best in and give him the gift of my spunkier attitude because *I* felt GOOD… rather than a self-conscious me who needs his remarks about my good looks in order to feel good (because I deep down inside feel the hair looks bad on me!)  This said, I recently went to my husband (knowing I was about to take my hair from 3/4 down my back to just-below-my-shoulders) and said, “Do you like my hair curly or straight better?”  [Background: my hair is naturally a frizz-ball, so either curling or straightening is equally hard work for me.)  I genuinely feel fine about either, so I let my husband pick his preference.  He said straight, I chopped the hair to MY DESIRED length (without even telling him before hand that’s what I was going to do) and now straighten it EVERYDAY.  He feels honored I honored his preference for straight hair & I’m not even sure he’s noticed the length-change (of course he noticed at first… but I don’t think it’s made an emotional impression on him like it might have if all I did was hack it off—instead, now he’s focused on the “straight” aspect.)  Anyways, the point is I have him a choice—straight or curly—but not about the length.  *I* picked the length to suit my height (short) and face (square).  I feel good about the length & he gets to feel “involved” because I asked him about the straight/curly topic.  I am not sure if something similar would work in your case.  Your hair sounds difficult in a different way than my frizz-ball.  But maybe you could take him three or four photos of short-ish haircuts you like (make sure you geuniunely LIKE all of them!) and let him pick one.  Again, he stays involved but doesn’t get ALL the “say.”  I really really really really think you “feeling good” about your looks goes WAY further for “overall aura and appearance” than mere hair-length.  A sad-faced me with super-long hair would not please my husband, even if he THINKS it would (because in his mind the sad-face would not go with the long hair… but in my case it just did b/c styling my long hair everyday was impossible and I looked like a wreck & felt like one, too!)  Now I feel more confident about my appearance thanks to the more flattering ‘do.

Thank you so much for all your excellent advice and suggestions.  You really get the problem and I appreciate your help!  Now I’m off to practice saying “Trim!  It’s only a trim!”  :D

Prayers for you! (and hugs)

See if you can grab St.Gianna’s attention.  She’s a pretty busy saint, though!   I’ve lost track of the # of stories I know of in which she’s immediately interceded. If you contact the shrine in Warminster, PA, they will likely happily mail you a 4th class reclic: a holy card of St.Gianna that has been touched to her gloves.  She has a real heart for mommies.
http://www.saintgianna.org

I got pregnant (without trying!) at 42. It’s totally do-able. My go to saints for baby conception/health have always been St. Anne and St. Gerard. I will say a prayer to them for you. Good luck!

Sarah,
I am in pretty much the exact same situation as you.  My original ob seemed very pessimistic to me, but I had to change docs because of new insurance.  The new np seemed to assume everything would go well.  I’m trying to be optimistic, but it is tough after a loss. 

One thing that really messed with my head was reading all the early pregnancy threads on the ttc boards.  It helped so much to start reading the large family blogs - women can and do have babies into their forties.  Losses are more common in that age group, but by no means the expectation.

I’ll be keeping you in my prayers, and hoping somebody sees this and adds a prayer for me!

I’m so sorry to hear this, Kathleen.  I will keep them in prayer.

I have prayed for you. I also have had 3 losses and found that I need progesterone shots to keep my pregnancies. You might want to check into that.

I would do somethings to enhance your feelings about you.  Not saying you aren’t “good” in some way… just saying a little self-help can go a long way in terms of uplifting mood!  Would you feel better if you started a good book while your kids were busy with their schoolwork—something totally unrelated to parenting or homeschooling?  Or if you even got a new haircut or wrote a letter to an old friend?  None of these things “fix” anything, but they can temporarily boost your mood and jump-start the habit of increased cheerfulness.  My theory is always that you can’t pull a virtue out of thin air, though—you need some sort of emotional “prompt” to get it going, at least in the beginning.  Doing a few things you enjoy, that will perk you up, etc. may be just the thing!  Wish I had more to offer…

Hi Bridget.  I have really struggled with this over the past little bit, and when I brought it up to my priest, he definitely did not give me the comforting answer that I hoped for.  So, I took that as my sign that I needed to actually pray HARD for this.  Each morning I ask St. Jerome (who supposedly had a terrible temper) and the Blessed Mother to help me.  One of my friends also told me that she tries to look at each situation as a way to prove her love to God, no matter how frustrating the circumstances.  I am trying that as well.  I also pray nightly that God will heal any harm that I have done that day to my childrens’ souls. (Clearly, I REALLY struggle with this. )  Anyway, just know that you are not alone!  I will pray for you.

Have you always had separate accounts or did you start that once you saw that need?  Either way, I can’t see blaming all issues on that, but, while I don’t generally advocate separate accounts (since they tend to be a “hedge” presuming on divorce), it doesn’t sound like a bad idea here.  If you’ve seen that he has a pattern of spending on unnecessary items and not paying for the needs, then you do have a responsibility to make sure the family is taken care of. 
If this is something that crops up whenever you are pregnant and not other times, that could certainly be something to take into account when deciding whether to conceive.  If there are already troubles in other areas, and extra problems arise when another baby comes along, that probably needs to be taken into account.  There’s no Church requirement to have another baby, nor any requirement not to, simply because every couple’s situations are so different.  Solely speculation here, no accusation, but is the only part of the “to-baby-or-not-to-baby” equation that you love having babies and the part about his unwillingness (for whatever reason, finances, marital stress, etc) is left out?  Then it would look like this spending behavior is finding a way to “get back” or make things so difficult that you have to do things his way. 
Anyway, from what you describe, I don’t think it’s wrong to have separate accounts; as for having more kids, that’s necessarily between you, dh, and God.  No forum (or irl friendship) can have all the pieces necessary to answer that question. 

ConfusedMommy, though you say your problem with your husband is finances, what you’ve described is a basic lack of respect from him.  You say he “constantly mocks” you, and seems to be making decisions that put your family’s well-being at risk.  I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable to keep separate accounts, as you said, so you can be sure your children have what they need; I’m just sad that it doesn’t sound as though you have a partner in that quest.  I’ll be praying for you, and I’d encourage you to continue in counseling (either with a qualified therapist or a priest you trust), regardless of whether or not he wants to participate.  Good luck!