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Email a FriendI think I know which article you are referring to. I also read one in the NCR a few weeks back. However, I thought that article was poorly written and quite frankly, didn’t really address the title or support its opening theme. I was disappointed because I have heard the argument it’s better to stay as well and this article seemed to veer off in to a lot of emotional debate points than laying out information for people to accept themselves.
Why You Should Stay In A Bad Marriage
usually, it's better for the children
Posted by Rebecca Teti in Marriage on Tuesday, June 07, 2011 12:00 PM
“Given a choice between you in the next room miserable every day for the rest of your life and you happy but only seeing her on weekends, your kid will take miserable in the next room every time.”
I’m paraphrasing, but that’s from a scene I’ve never forgotten from Nora Ephron’s Heartburn, a movie about her divorce.
It’s in fact the only thing at all I remember about the movie, and it came back to me while reading two pieces at the National Catholic Register which I call to your attention.
They’re both about things we think we “know” about divorce that are in fact false.
The first, Better to Stay in a Bad Marriage?, points out that social science makes it clear that in boilerplate bad marriages (not abuse cases), children do better by every measure if their parents stay married. Moreover, couples who stay together in hard times generally report that things get much better within five years—often they don’t really even recall why they were on the brink of divorce!
That seems like something people should know, to encourage them when they’re in a low moment in their relationship. So often what gets us is the fear that it’ll be like this forever; it won’t.
Then Jennifer Roback Morse offers a book review of Taken Into Custody, a family court judge’s take-down of “No-Fault” Divorce Laws and the havoc they have wrecked on the American family. She writes:
The public is getting past the “happy talk” about “good divorces,” because the children of divorce are finally telling their stories. We desperately need to get past our fatalism about the inevitability of divorce.
Taken Into Custody makes it crystal clear that the law has created incentives to divorce. Therefore, the law can be changed to reduce those incentives. The publication of Taken Into Custody could be the turning point in restoring some balance to family law.
Once when I wrote about new evidence confirming the need kids have for a mother and father, someone wrote a heart-wrenching response about not knowing what to do with the information since she was already a single parent. I want to make it clear that I raise this issue not to heap scorn on readers who may be divorced (we’ve posted about ministries to divorced Catholics here and here).
Please don’t feel you have to justify yourself. I think it’s generally understood that it’s not within our power to control what a spouse does; that certain extreme cases may necessitate separation and civil divorce; and in any case, Christianity isn’t about fixating on where you’ve gone wrong in life, but on picking up and walking in God’s grace right now, where you are, from this point forward.
Nevertheless, sometimes precisely to avoid hurting a brother or sister in Christ, we don’t talk forthrightly enough about the crosses that can arise in marriage and how to spare others the pain of divorce if possible. In a world where just about anyone will tell you to “get out” if you’re not happy, it’s important we speak honestly about why that might not be good advice—not for Catholics, not for anyone.
Comments
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Posted by Beth on Tuesday, Jun 7, 2011 2:47 PM (EDT):
Thank you for this article. Another point that resinates in my head that I’ve heard on a catholic radio program is that Love (and I add Forgiveness) is not an emotion, rather it’s a choice. You may not “feel” like loving someone when they leave their dirty socks on the floor (or whatever your case may be), but you choose to love them because that is the commitment you made to each other and it’s what’s best for your family. Also you may not “feel” like forgiving someone for what they’ve done, but you choose to… possibly over time, because that’s what Jesus would do and again it’s what’s best for the family.
Oh, how I wish I could send this to people I know without being offensive. I think it’s such a wise statement. But if your not in that place to hear it.. it could be perceived as attaching.
Posted by anon on Tuesday, Jun 7, 2011 4:32 PM (EDT):
Prayers please, for a good friend going through a divorce right now. It’s all a mess and I want to send her articles like this but how? How do I do that and not have her feel like she’s being judged for her decision? I love her dearly and she has been suffering from emotional/mental abuse from her husband for 15 years! I have watched her go from a happy go lucky optimist to someone who walks around like she has been beaten down. I don’t doubt that she will be better off on her own…but what about their 3 kids?? And they are Catholic too which makes matters more complicated. What happens 5 years down the road when one of them finds someone else? Sorry for the rant, but I’ve been her friendly shoulder to lean on and some days it takes it toll.
Posted by Jennifer on Tuesday, Jun 7, 2011 6:49 PM (EDT):
My sister went through a horrific divorce last year. Please don’t send her articles on why it is better to stay married. My sister’s husband was emotionally abusive and had a same sex attraction and left her for another man. She would have stayed with him for the sake of the children (3) but he wanted out. Just be a good friend and pray for her. Good Catholics go through this all the time, life is messy. My sister was a shadow of herself while she was married (18 years). She is now free from her imprisonment. I finally have my sister back and for that, I am grateful.
Posted by Beth2 on Tuesday, Jun 7, 2011 8:49 PM (EDT):
I do not believe that children are better in a situation where there is emotional/mental abuse going on. It is horrific for a child to grow up watching this and think that it is ok and not learn how a healthy marriage works. I do not think kids in this situation are any better off than kids who have survived divorce. So I think we need to be careful in saying divorce is always the worst option.
Posted by anita on Tuesday, Jun 7, 2011 9:16 PM (EDT):
@Beth2—actually Rebecca very clearly did NOT say that divorce is always the worst option. If you read the whole article, she was very clear to state this did not apply to cases of abuse, and was very compassionate in presenting the mercy and forgiveness of God.
Posted by Beth2 on Wednesday, Jun 8, 2011 7:49 PM (EDT):
Anita,
I was replying specifically to this poster who was wrestling with the idea of sending her friend (who is getting out of an abusive marriage) this article about how bad divorce is for kids. My comment was not directed toward Rebecca or a lack of insight in her article and I was glad to see her address this in her article. I just didn’t think the poster of this comment understood that sometimes divorce is the better option. I don’t understand someone would want to send this article to a friend getting out of an abusive marriage—it is the better choice for the kids!!
Posted by Erin on Wednesday, Jun 8, 2011 9:51 AM (EDT):
My best friend’s mother stayed in her marriage after her husband had cheated on her. There was no love between them anymore; they were polite but not warm toward each other. She stayed until her children were in college and living away from home. She thought this was best for her children. In actuality, all it did was make both children resentful of their father, miserable around both of them, and skeptical that there was any happiness to be found in marriage at all. In fact, both kids harbor an incredible sadness and disappointment that their mom never pursued any happiness for her own life. They wanted a stronger role model; they wanted to see her happy and confident. She finally divorced him when they were in college and I remember my best friend saying she wished her mom had done it years ago. Sometimes you teach your children just as many lessons by staying in a bad marriage as you do by leaving one. It’s worth considering whether those are the lessons you really want to teach.
Posted by MightyMighty on Wednesday, Jun 8, 2011 7:02 PM (EDT):
I think that people see the options as “stay in a bad marriage” or “get a divorce”. There is also the third option of restoring your marriage with God’s help. Choosing to never love your spouse again after infidelity is a form of infidelity in itself. You took vows that included “for better or for worse”, which does in fact include your spouse acting like a dirtbag for a while. I can totally see myself acting cold and unloving, but above board in that situation, so I don’t say that judgmentally. But I think one can choose to be much unhappier in a less than perfect marriage than is necessary.
People who choose to stay in their flawed marriages should also consider that God will look at whether or not they brought their best heart to the marriage, or if they held back and just waited till it could finally be over through death or divorce. There are many ways to cheat your spouse.
Posted by Monica (momof2) on Wednesday, Jun 8, 2011 10:39 PM (EDT):
With infidelity I think there is a difference between one instance where the offending spouse at some point ceases the infidelity and turns his/her life around and a situation where the wayward spouse refuses to cease and disist or is addicted to infidelity and, while sorry at one point, proceeds to have serial affairs throughout the marriage. I don’t think it is healthy for the children to grow up in a home where this lifestyle is tolerated. I think in this situation it would be better for the spouses to live separately. The same with drug addiction that isn’t getting better either because the spouse refuses treatment or because the relapses continue throughout the marriage. I believe children have a right to an innocent childhood and not have to live with corruption, fear, or moral depravity as their constant companions. Sometimes you have to cut off a limb to save the tree.
Posted by anita on Wednesday, Jun 8, 2011 1:31 PM (EDT):
Erin, pursuing happiness is an American ideal, but is it a Catholic virtue? This is the underlying argument for so many divorce proponents: I just gotta find my happiness. Not everyone is blessed with happiness in marriage. I don’t know the situation of which you speak, obviously, but based on your description, it sounds like there is a worldly perspective to the sentiments of your friend. I was glad when my parents divorced, because I was tired of the stress, strain, and fighting. But, now as an adult who understands the vocation of marriage, I wish they would have taken up their cross and worked it out. (There was no abuse or infidelity to my knowledge.) Our modern culture encourages us to jump from one relationship to another, seeking happiness, fulfillment etc. What I see in my family, is that my parents taught my sisters and me to give up, move on, don’t bother. I have 3 sisters—one is in a lesbian relationship, the second is on her second civil marriage to a divorced man, the third has had 2 children out of wedlock to two different men. I wish my parents had given us a stronger role model of sacrifice, prayer, fidelity to vows. Every divorce is a failure, not every marriage is. I don’t know if I could ever manage to forgive infidelity, but for the good of my soul, I would hope so. I just hope I don’t have to, but I hope I could be a strong role model of forgiveness and love and humility rather than giving up and “seeking my happiness” elsewhere. I’m not saying it’s easy, or judging your friend. It is a heavy cross indeed.
But it is our vocation to seek God and holiness through our marriages, whatever kind we end up with. For some that will be through the pain of a divorce, but divorce shouldn’t be taken lightly as it really and truly is by the secular world.
Posted by Erin on Wednesday, Jun 8, 2011 2:05 PM (EDT):
I never said we should all go get divorced and “pursue our happiness.” I’m not talking about a selfish kind of living-it-up at the expense of moral or ethical standards, Catholic or otherwise. When I said the kids wished their mom had had some happiness in her life, that simple idea is all I meant. They felt it had been sucked out of her by a marriage devoid of love or partnership. There was just this pervasive sadness that tempered everything in her life—at least from the point of view of her children. The blog mentioned a part in a movie that said that kids would rather have their parents together, miserable or not, and I’m just pointing out that that’s not always the case.
Posted by K C Thomas on Wednesday, Jun 8, 2011 1:51 PM (EDT):
Anita, you are really great and blessed. In spite of the “freedom loving” members of the family you chose to surrender to Jesus. Yes when LOVE is in the heart, we can carry the cross as Jesus wants us
Why not accept comments instead of stating wrong finding
Posted by Claire on Wednesday, Jun 8, 2011 2:12 PM (EDT):
My parents divorced when I was 12. There was infidelity on both sides. My mother wanted to try to work things out, but my father didn’t want to put forth the effort. He just wanted to pursue his own happiness, regardless of who it hurt. Mostly, I was relieved, because living with my father was like living with a ticking time bomb. But it also bothered me that he didn’t think his children were worth the effort of working on his marriage, and his rejection of my mother felt like a rejection of me. Divorce should always be a last resort (except for cases of abuse). Especially if there are children involved, every effort should be made to make the marriage work. And making the choice to love should be a higher priority than the feelings of either spouse.
Posted by anita on Wednesday, Jun 8, 2011 3:31 PM (EDT):
True, Erin. It seems she has very sympathetic and caring kids! Perhaps she could pass on some tips, I don’t think my kids have this strength! Human actions are very complicated . . . if we do the right thing it doesn’t mean it will always turn out the way we want. And the lessons we want passed on to our kids aren’t the ones they will always gather from our actions. Our nation is torn apart at the seams by the attack on family life. I did not intend to misconstrue your comments, just trying to think carefully about a very difficult and emotional subject. Your story is making me think I should start writing a journal to my children. “Here’s why I made this big decision, and here’s what I hope you learn from it.”
After my parents’ divorce I swore I’d never marry, never have kids. But God writes straight with crooked lines and all that. In running away from family, I spent two years in a convent which oddly enough taught me what family was supposed to be and showed me my vocation to motherhood—and trusting a man enough to marry him, which I thought impossible!
I hope and pray your friends find a good example somewhere to lead them and the grace of God to heal them. God bless!
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