Talking About Not Talking
Posted by Lisa Hendey in Marriage on Tuesday, September 30, 2008 9:00 AM
This weekend, my online buddy Deborah posted a link to a CNN article with the thought provoking comment “To save your marriage—shut up”.
The link in question led to this article at CNN.com, a reprint of an article that originally appeared in O, The Oprah Magazine. Given, last week’s discussion on Danielle’s post about Oprah, I considered steering clear of the debate but couldn’t resist checking out the link to see what all of the discussion was about.
If you take a look at the article, you will find that it is a discussion of the book “How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking about It”. The columnist gives an overview of the book’s emphasis on using non-verbal means of communicating our love to one another in part due to the fact that actually talking may make the men in our lives uncomfortable (emotionally, and physically too it seems).
This is a topic that greatly interests me, since I love my marriage and want it to continue to blossom and grow. Granted, I’m not looking for advice from Oprah’s writers towards that end, but I will say that reading this article started me thinking about the ways my husband and I non-verbally communicate our love one for one another.
I grew up with a very unique Daddy - he was a big-time communicator. He regularly told my mom, my sisters and me “You look beautiful today!” and I’m convinced he really meant it. Daddy brought Mom flowers at least once a week, and willingly participated in long winded discussions. My tendency to cry when I get emotional (either happy, or sad) was passed along to me from my Daddy - seeing him dab tears of happiness from his eyes was not unusual. So I grew up thinking that all guys did stuff like this and that husbands were, by nature, emotive creatures filled with positive reinforcement.
Then I fell in love with a married a man who is, in many ways, the polar opposite of my Daddy’s communication style. Greg tells me countless times a day how much he loves me, but it’s largely in non-verbal ways. I’d say we have great communication with one another, but I’ve also learned not to push my husband of 22 years too much when it comes to having long, drawn out discussions about feelings.
I’ve learned that having someone routinely gas up my car, check the air in my tires, and vacuum the house because he knows I hate doing it can all be non-verbal signs of love. I’ve learned that taking time to iron a shirt for him, sitting with him to watch a game I don’t really care about, or giving a really good back rub when I’m tired can say the same things to him. We do frequently use words out loud, but we also know that actions can speak volumes.
How does it work around your house? Is your guy a talker, like my Daddy, or did you marry someone more like my husband? What are some of the little things that you and your spouse do to show your love for one another?
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