The Kids Are Alright
Posted by Karen Swenson in Family on Wednesday, July 28, 2010 6:00 AM
Watching from the kitchen window I observe a cluster of adults reveling in laughter together. They are obviously comfortable with each other, and seem to relate with the ease of a choreographed dance. Speaking, listening, and moving, all while staying close enough to each other for a friendly shove or hearty slap on the back. I am witnessing a dream. Well, of sorts.
My husband and I have been married for 41 years and have raised this raucous group of unique individuals. We are the parents of eight wonderful children—adults now—and any gathering is sure to bring with it a melancholy reminder of what it took to get to this place.
When Steve and I married we were hippies to the core, but we had one thing that was a contradiction to our otherwise “flower child” life style. We had a deep and respectful commitment to each other. Within a short time after being married we began to hunger for Truth. We looked to our counter-culture and saw a blatant hypocrisy that actually drove us into the arms of Jesus. It was then we returned to the church of my youth, and there we found the foundation on which we built our family.
From the Start
So it began. Our first child was, as most oldest children are, our experimental child. We were full of idealistic and often unrealistic theories of child raising. As we expanded our little flock through both bearing children and the wonderful gift of adoption, one hope we held fast to was that our children would be friends. We realized that our patch work quilt of a family would not always have parents to intervene, referee, or mediate for them. They would have to be given the opportunity to learn these skills as they grew together so as to make it a permanent grafting of love for each other.
The most important foundation to build on is a love for Jesus and our Faith. Then a love for each other. I often say, I think our kids are best friends because Steve and I are best friends. They grew up watching us show them how best friends relate to each other. Our disagreements (especially if it concerned a child issue) were private conversations. We prayed together every day as a family, which at times meant a very short prayer time, but it set a precedent. The format changed as ages changed but praying together is a very intimate activity and one that draws people into close relationships.
The boys learned to be gentlemen to the girls and even seated them and me at meal times. The girls in turn learned to be appreciative of this act without complaint or sarcasm. All the children had chores from the time they were about 2 years old, giving them a sense of being needed in our family. Both boys and girls learned all chores from checking the oil in a car to cooking, cleaning and doing laundry.
Focus on Family
Once a week was Family Nght and that meant no other guests were invited. There are so many opportunities to enjoy friends and we cherished those times, but this was to give our children the opportunity to relate to each other. One child got to choose the game for the evening or we sang, or played hide and go seek, sometimes in the house. We played ball, hiked, put on plays, and told jokes. We taught our children to honor each other on birthdays and other special occasions by sharing qualities about their sibling that they liked.
Did they fight? Oh, yes! They fought at times. Over toys, over who “got there” first, over whose turn it was to choose the game for family night. In the early years we had to teach them skills to resolve issues. Sometimes it was with sayings we made up such as: “if its not worth sharing, its not worth having”. That was their decision then to share or get rid of an item. “If you want to have a friend, be a friend“. “An Act of Kindness is never wasted.” “Blessed are the Peacemakers“.
It actually got to the point where we would say the first few words, and like a game show, they would finish the saying, and more often than not, change their behavior.
Yes, they got sent to bed early over the years. How they cried. They thought life was unfair to be made to share an early bedtime in the same cell..um..room as the other offending sibling. One of my favorite memories is an afternoon in the heat of a Georgia summer, two brothers could not get along. I finally said, if you continue I will insist you make up and kiss on the lips! The argument stopped immediately.
Learning to Love
Learning to ask for forgiveness and freely grant forgiveness is a quality the siblings put into practice to this day. When any of us offended each other or behaved in an offensive or rude manner, we asked forgiveness for the action. Learning to release grudges leaves room for so much love and friendship.
Here we are today, our oldest to our youngest loving each other and enjoying the laughter they so readily bring to these times together.
They are able to differ and defer with love and respect. One’s gain is not the other’s loss. They are each others greatest fans. They rejoice in the accomplishments of one another and carry the sadness of each others sorrows. They are a phone call away from each other and for each other. They have been tried by fire and found to be true.
Yes, this loud, joy filled ,continually growing flock is ours to love and cherish. Every single minute of effort was worth it, Every sleepless night. Every prayer, every tear, and every exasperation was worth the journey that brought us to this point where we realize our Dream has been fulfilled. Our children have grown to be each others’ friends, and we are richer for it.
—Karen Swenson writes from her home home in Georgia. She is Rachel Balducci’s mom.
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