The Right Words To Say
Posted by Rachel Balducci in Family on Wednesday, October 27, 2010 7:47 PM
Years ago, just before our first anniversary, Paul and I found out we were having a baby. All the usual range of emotions kicked in—a few days of panic due to our lack of money and jobs!—and very soon we settled on pure elation. A baby to love!
Just before the 12-week “safety” mark, we found out we had miscarried. We were devastated.
I remember soon after that talking with someone who offered her condolences. “I know how you feel,” she said. “It’s so hard.”
My first reaction was: No, you don’t. You have no idea how I feel. You have a healthy baby and another one on the way and yes you miscarried once but it was a week after you found out. Not the same at all!
Wisely, I kept these thoughts to myself. Because the person was just trying to be kind. And she had (kind of) been in my position before. Years later, I can see that she just meant well.
What I learned in that grief is that we are best off not telling people we know how they feel. We might have similar circumstances or history, but our experience is never a cookie-cutter version of someone else.
Sometimes, there aren’t the “right words.”
This is a lesson I’m learning right now in the very specific area of infertility—watching loved ones struggle, wanting to have the right words to say. I’m finally (Lord willing) learning to just listen. The best I can do is be there, be present in my listening and loving. Now is not the time to share stories of my own suffering. A woman wanting a baby does not need a lecture about trusting in “God’s perfect will,” and if God wants her to hear those words, he will speak them gently. I have witnessed how hurtful it can be for a well-meaning person to offer encouragement in a way that comes across as painfully self-righteous.
I can’t try to relate this suffering back to suffering of my own because it is not the same. All I can do is love.
Sometimes, the only right words are “I love you.” We say this and mean it and hope it will be enough.
Print Blog
Email a FriendPost a Comment
By submitting this form, you give Faith And Family Magazine permission to publish this comment. Comments will be published at our discretion, and may be edited for clarity and length. For best formatting, please limit your response to one paragraph and don't hit "enter" to force line breaks.
