The Trouble With Fairy Tales
Posted by Kate Lloyd in Family on Thursday, June 17, 2010 10:00 AM
Much as I like it, dating can be really tough.
I know a couple (I’ll leave their names out because I think the girl might be a bit embarrassed about the whole thing. Not that I am her or anything. But even if I was her, would that matter? And anyway this story is totally not about me. Not that it would be anybody’s business if it was.) ...
Phew, where was I? .... Oh yes, these unnamed friends of mine ran into a lot of problems when they first started dating. To tell the truth, I think most of their problems came from fairy tale movies.
Movies? What’s wrong with movies? Personally, I love movies. How can they damage a couple’s relationship?
This couple’s problem started because the poor girl (What? Really, not me! I just happen to have a lot of sympathy for this person. And why does anyone need to know who if it was me anyway? Can’t we just talk here?) had way too many unrealistic expectations.
Things weren’t always fun, and sometimes stress levels were high. Falling in love had been wonderful, but why was dating such a strain? The problem was, this girl (Stop it! I can feel you thinking this is me!) didn’t understand what a good relationship was. She thought that a dating couple was supposed to love each other passionately all the time, walk around holding hands, and sit on the beach sipping lemonade at sunset.
Frustrated, she thought, Hello. WHY is there no sweet, sentimental music playing right now? On top of everything, she began to realize that she didn’t know him as well as she thought she did.
The girl (being the person she was) tried to put the blame on the boy, and he (being who he was) graciously let her.
This demanding girl’s expectations didn’t stop with lemonade on the beach, either. Because she felt that everything was all wrong, she subconsciously began to pick apart everything that was awkward and imperfect about the relationship. And as anyone who’s ever been in a real relationship knows, there’s always plenty of awkwardness and imperfection for the picking.
Like any starlet, the girl (Why do you insist upon thinking this is me??) wanted to be rescued, so she began to make a big deal out of everything that bothered her. This became a habit. She started to only see the negative things in the relationship. The problem escalated, and pretty soon all this particular couple was ever doing was having big deep discussions about their feelings.
Bleh.
One day the girl was complaining to my mother the most practical person she knew who suddenly stopped her.
“Are you crazy?” my mother she said. “Look at the guy! He would do anything for you!”
Then this obnoxiously clear-thinking, practical, and wise person went on to mention all the lovely things the boy did for the girl when she wasn’t looking. He was always patient when she needed to vent, and was completely understanding. Slowly, as the girl thought about it, she realized that the boy meant a lot more to her than she was admitting to herself. Something had to give, and the girl was pretty sure that it was her turn.
The whining, complaining, and wanting everything to be different had to stop.
I’m still not perfect, but I stopped. I mean ... she stopped. Or whatever.
The point is, that yes, dating is exciting and fun, but dating is what we make it. We’re not characters in a movie, and that’s good.
This doesn’t mean that if someone has an unhappy relationship they should necessarily stay in it. It just means, it’s okay if at times it’s hard, and both people need to sacrifice a little. We can expect a relationship to be good, but we can’t be too hasty to deem something not good, simply because it’s surprisingly hard.
Maybe this isn’t everyone’s experience. I just know it’s been the experience of the girl in the fairy tale ... She’s a real girl, who discovered that although real life is hard in ways she never expected, real life means real people, real love, and the unshakable joy that only real love brings with it.
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