Print Blog
Email a FriendPosted by Carol Brady on Friday, Oct 2, 2009 2:23 PM (EDT):
Beautifully written. Thanks.
'Thy Will Be Done'
Sometimes the hardest words to pray
Posted by Sara Fox Peterson in Faith on Friday, October 02, 2009 2:00 PM
I imagine that most of you are familiar with Pope Paul VI’s authoritative teaching on the morally licit use of NFP to avoid pregnancy:
“With regard to physical, economic, psychological and social conditions, responsible parenthood is exercised by those who prudently and generously decide to have more children, and by those who, for serious reasons and with due respect to moral precepts, decide not to have additional children for either a certain or an indefinite period of time.” (Humanae Vitae 10)
We can debate until we are blue in the face what, precisely, is meant by a “serious reason” to postpone or avoid pregnancy, and many people do, but I think such debates largely miss the point.
Also in Humanae Vitae, only a few lines after the statement above, Pope Paul VI writes (emphasis added):
”... [Husband and wife] are not free to act as they choose in the service of transmitting life, as if it were wholly up to them to decide what is the right course to follow. On the contrary, they are bound to ensure that what they do corresponds to the will of God the Creator.” (Humanae Vitae 10)
Really the only question we ever need to ask is, “What is God’s will for our family right now?” This simplifies things a great deal because God is not out to confuse or mislead us. He wants us to know what He wants us to do and when we sincerely seek His will we can be quite certain He will make it clear to us. If you are uncertain how to go about discerning God’s will, the book What Does God Want?: A Practical Guide to Making Decisions by Fr. Michael Scanlon is a great place to start.
NFP itself also helps us to discern God’s will because the periodic abstinence required of those who use NFP to avoid pregnancy is really a kind of fasting. Just as fasting from food is often encouraged as an aid to discernment in other areas of our lives, the fasting from marital relations necessary to avoid pregnancy serves to both clarify and purify a couple’s reasons for wishing to avoid conception. Having to repeatedly forego something good and proper that one desires is a very good way to cut through any self-deception that one may have engaged in when listening for God’s call. Voluntary sacrifice and selfishness don’t often coexist for any significant length of time.
On the other hand if we are not sincerely seeking God’s will, no amount of semantic clarity on exactly what kind of situations let us off the procreative hook is going to make any difference. If we are seeking our own will rather than His we will simply rationalize whatever it is we want. And, of course, we must always remember that we can judge only our own hearts and lives and never someone else’s.
As I write this I cannot help thinking of the Holy Family. Mary’s openness to life - her fiat - was irresponsible by just about every earthly standard. She was very young, poor, unmarried, the child would not be conceived with her intended husband and she would face dangerous public censure (adultery was punishable by stoning) if he were to reject her and the child. The Annunciation was also the one and only time God called Mary to accept the gift of a child. It was His will for her to remain forever a virgin despite her holy marriage to St. Joseph and an absence earthly reasons (as far as we know) not to bear other children. And yet we know with certainty that Our Lady’s actions were always in perfect accord with the will of God.
May her intercession allow us to imitate her obedience!
Comments
Page 1 of 1 pages
Posted by Anne in NYC on Friday, Oct 2, 2009 3:50 PM (EDT):
One time I asked my mom is she thought our reasons for postponing were serious enough, and she replied, “How’s the abstinence going?” I said that we were doing just fine and not having any disagreements about it, and she replied, “Then your reasons are good enough. When your heart and will are united to God’s, He gives you the grace to abstain fruitfully.”
Posted by Lina Martin on Friday, Oct 2, 2009 7:24 PM (EDT):
that is a really great way to look at it. hmm.. makes me question our earlier abstienece sine i always found it so rough!
Posted by Momof4 on Friday, Oct 2, 2009 9:15 PM (EDT):
I think you can agree to abstain and still feel challenged by it. None of this NFP business is easy. I was raised very loosely around Catholicism where my mother was raised Catholic and had me baptized and made sure my brother and I made our First Communion but no church on Sundays, no formal faith teaching. I grew in my faith in college. My husband was raised in the Church and together we embraced God’s plan for marriage. Almost 10 years and 4 babies later I can truly say that NFP has changed my life. But it has never been fine or without struggle. I suspect there are a great number of children of contraceptive parents that will find this to be true as we were not raised by parents who saw children as God’s blessing on us but rather as a personal desire to have a perfect family of one girl and one boy.
Thank you Sara. I have a copy of an article you wrote sometime ago entitled, “Why NFP is not Catholic contraception” and it has helped me from time to time when I struggle with my Catholic marriage. I am grateful to know that there is sanctity in our struggle.
Posted by Anne in NYC on Friday, Oct 2, 2009 10:37 PM (EDT):
That’s a really good point. Fasting on Good Friday is not easy, either, but it is made bearable by the knowledge that it is sanctifying and by the contrition and gratitude it fosters. What my mom was talking about was whether abstaining was making us bitter, angry, irritable or pulling us apart. Of course we would have preferred to be physically intimate, but we were able to get through it lovingly because we knew it was the right thing for our family.
Another time, regarding a priest who routinely told couples having any kind of difficulty that they should try abstaining for a while, my mom said: “He doesn’t realize that asking a married couple to abstain from sex is like asking a nun to abstain from Holy Communion. He wouldn’t tell a nun who was feeling dry in prayer and distant from our Lord to stop going to Holy Communion for two weeks; he’d probably tell her to go to Communion every day and to spend as much time with our Lord as she could. Sex is the communion of the spouses. There is a covenant between husband and wife that is ratified in intercourse. Other forms of affection are good, but only sex renews the marriage vows.”
Posted by Teresa Giorgio on Friday, Oct 2, 2009 10:47 PM (EDT):
You may all laugh at this, but when I read the title of the post I sighed a heavy sigh because I had a negative pregnancy test tonight. That sounds normal maybe, but I’m 45 and have nine kids already. The youngest is 4, and all of us have wanted just one more chance at this for several years. Those words “Thy will be done” are indeed the hardest to pray sometimes. I probably sound greedy to want another child. It wasn’t always that way - we struggled like many of you in my 20’s and 30’s to continue to discern the Lord’s will and try to live it. Pregnancy isn’t easy, and neither is getting up at night and managing a handful of other children during the day. I had to continually pray the words “Thy will be done” in those days.
Now I didn’t break down in tears over the test, and though I am a week late on my period (not unusual for my age and what I’ve been seeing over the last year) I still figured it would be negative. And it was. I guess the hard part for me is that, weak woman that I am, I still always want my way. I guess I’m still working on letting God be in control of things, and accepting that His plan is far better than mine. “Thy will be done” works both ways - when I struggled with having so many babies and now when I struggle with having none.
I am so grateful with how abundantly we’ve been blessed with our kids, and it looks like God’s plan for us now is to remain focused on raising them well as we move out of our childbearing years.
Thank you, Sara, for the reminder to always seek the Lord in our lives.
Posted by Susie on Saturday, Oct 3, 2009 5:47 AM (EDT):
God bless you Teresa. Not only have you been blessed with your children, but your children have been blessed with you and your husband for parents. You provide such a beautiful example to them of following God’s will in your life. As with Jay, it was a wonderful perspective for me to read as we have three little ones and I wonder what our future holds. Thank you for your post.
Posted by Lisa Sweet on Saturday, Oct 3, 2009 11:05 PM (EDT):
Oh Teresa, I, too, am leaving my childbearing years with a heavy heart. I am 44 and we have 5 living children ages 20-4. As much as I would love another, it doesn’t appear that that is God’s will for us. While this does sadden me, there is comfort in knowing that we are in His will, and His will is always perfect. Who am I to question Him?
Also, I am so thankful for the gift of NFP, even though it comes with its struggles! As my childbearing years wane, I may be sad, but I have no regrets. Being open to life brings many rewards. Firstly, CHILDREN!! But, in later years, there is a peace in knowing that you have done your best to be open to His will and that you have the children Our Lord intended you to have. There is always peace in His will. And I know there is peace and joy waiting for us in the next “phase” of motherhood, also.
God bless you.
Posted by Teresa Giorgio on Saturday, Oct 3, 2009 11:44 PM (EDT):
Lisa…Amen to all you’ve said! It is good to be in this season with no regrets, no second guessing. It’s just that, well, the whole pregnancy experience, though difficult, is a time of wonder, of new hope, of waiting for that prize at the end. What really tugs at my heart is our youngest, Gianna at age 4, begs for a baby - a lot. She is so funny - she’s heard my line so many times that she repeats it for me, “Some mommies get old” 
. The optimist in me always holds out for a last blessing, but I’m not lying awake at night thinking of it (which I’m sure you understand with five kids! - too tired to lie awake!). Truthfully, the Lord really does know best….how exactly WOULD I handle pregnancy at my ripe old age, let alone getting up at night to nurse and then home schooling the rest of my brood by day? That said, we don’t feel we have grave reasons to postpone, and so are not using NFP at the moment. But I am truly enjoying this season of life, where for the first time in 19 years, I’m not pregnant or nursing, and haven’t been for some time. I can do many more things with the kids without a baby or toddler in tow, and I can give myself more fully to them and my husband than I did when I was terribly tired in previous years.
Indeed, God gives us seasons of life and we are asked to move from one to another in time. This childbearing season is one that I say goodbye to with a bittersweet attitude….bitter because I loved being a co-creator with God, but sweet because I can relish the children He has given us more fully. Thank you for your encouragement!
Posted by Lisa Sweet on Thursday, Oct 8, 2009 12:06 AM (EDT):
So beautifully said! It is like you are writing what is in my heart. You know, I always think of Sarah (mother of Isaac), Elizabeth (John the Baptist’s mom) and, of course, dear St. Anne—there is always hope for us “old” mommies:)
Four year old girls are so darling, aren’t they?
Post a Comment
By submitting this form, you give Faith And Family Magazine permission to publish this comment. Comments will be published at our discretion, and may be edited for clarity and length. For best formatting, please limit your response to one paragraph and don't hit "enter" to force line breaks.
