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Email a FriendPosted by Jennifer D. on Friday, Jun 18, 2010 10:47 AM (EDT):
What is TLF?
TLF With Your BFF
The Importance of Being Friends
Posted by Kate Lloyd in Family on Friday, June 18, 2010 9:00 AM
I remember a long time ago, when I asked my mom who her best friend was, she told me, “Dad.”
This puzzled me, because in my mind best friends were playmates, not romantic interests. And yet, as I grew older I realized that a romantic interest is just an extension of a friend—they are not two separate categories. You can’t love someone who you don’t know.
The first thing two people notice about each other is whether they like each other, not whether they love each other. It’s always important to be friends, but it’s important in a special way when you’re not married, and you don’t have the graces that come with marriage.
A girlfriend of mine from school just told me that her big sister is getting married. Not only that, but the bride and groom have been best friends for many years. I was thrilled, almost less because there will be a wedding, and more because the bride and groom are best friends!
At first glance, the friendship idea may seem a little cliché, and almost movie-perfect. Young boy meets young girl, they fly kites together, and ride horses, and then one day, out of the blue, they discover they are in love.
Wait, is this even possible? This looks like a Mel Gibson movie to me.
All movie plots aside, it’s definitely possible, and totally necessary that a couple be friends. And I mean, friends. As in buddies. As in eating sour patch kids, and laughing a lot together.
I’ve known couples who I swear never say two words to each other. They’re not friends, they’re make-out partners. They don’t like each other, they like making out. I wonder how hard it would be to stick together when things get tough, now or later, if a man and woman aren’t friends. In dating, if the only thing a couple has to fall back on is physical attraction, pretty soon they’re going to get bored, and frustrated that it can’t make them feel better. It won’t be enough, and either they’ll be really frustrated, or they’ll want to go further, physically.
Neither one’s a good alternative.
How two people develop a friendship differs from couple to couple. Like my friend’s sister, some are friends long before they’re romantically interested. Some take a step back and decide to get to know each other before they date. Others simply make sure that they build a strong friendship while they’re dating. However it happens, all successful couples are friends.
One of the happiest married couples I know is a husband and wife team who crack up at the other’s corny inside jokes. They work hard, have a lot of kids, and not a lot of money, but they are hilarious.
A couple who knows each other before dating seems (to me) to really have an advantage. They honestly want to date, because they know each other! They fell in love because they already love as friends. They know about the other’s talents, family, and set of values.
A guy friend of mine told me that he’d known he wanted to date his girlfriend when he discovered he felt like he knew her family. Actually, he and her family had never met. He was just so impressed by how highly and how often she spoke of them. He knew the ins and outs, the quirks, the anecdotes for each person. Slowly, he became drawn to her, through these stories of her family. He was drawn to her by what humans do best: by talking, by laughing, and in friendship.
Comments
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Posted by Stacy on Friday, Jun 18, 2010 1:09 PM (EDT):
I married my best friend. I always think it’s funny that people seem shocked after I answer “In sixth grade” when they ask me where I met my husband. My brother on the other hand, doesn’t want to date a girl who is a friend. The girls he dates are for dating, from the get go, and the girls who are his friends can never be anything more. Where does this mentality come from?
I wish I had learned about courtship growing up because that would have worked out very well for us. He could have out-of-the-blue asked me one day while we were still friends, before we ever held hands or kissed or anything “Will you marry me?” and I would have said yes.
Posted by Snowflake on Friday, Jun 18, 2010 2:10 PM (EDT):
I have not agreed with a lot of the things you have said in your other posts, and I think you were too opinionated and not quite correct with a lot of assumptions you made, mostly about courtship and other things. However, I definitely agree with this one!!! I have trouble articulating myself, so when I try to explain “friends first, romance second,” to my friends, they look at me like I’m crazy, and I sound like an idiot. But you totally put it out there, convincingly and concisely. Rock on!!
Posted by Stella on Friday, Jun 18, 2010 3:06 PM (EDT):
I definitely agree that friendship is hugely important in a marriage. My husband is my best friend. We have such a good time together and he’s the person I feel most comfortable sharing my real self with. Being best friends has sustained us through a lot of trials.
Posted by Claudia Espinosa on Saturday, Jul 17, 2010 12:57 AM (EDT):
Thanks for this. Sometimes we, my husband and me, forget this par of friendship because we are focussing on daily problems such as bringin money, cleanig house and raising kids and become really serious and practical. I really need to work in orther to have my best friend back. Thanks again and God bless you
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