I heartily second the advice that the husband can be a protector in this situation! In my 2nd pregnancy, criticism of our medical decisions got so upsetting that my husband read all incoming email for me from a certain close family member. God bless him for looking out for me!

Sometimes folks don’t even realize they’re doing it.  My Mom talks about how she often heard “What, again?” when announcing pregnancies (10).  When my husband and I decided to pursue adoption again with a 1 and 2 yr old at home she asked me if I was sure it was a good idea.  I replied “Mom, you’re what againing me.” and she stopped, said “yes, I guess I am”, apologized and added “But, boy are you going to be busy”.  She’s since been fully supportive and now loves holding our newest blessing….and she’s right, I’m busy but happily so.

For us, we really had to look at ourselves instead of “what others would think about us and our situation”.....meaning we had to come to the realization that if we are so concerned about what are parents and family think, we cannot be at peace with our own decisions and life plans without checking to see if our parents and family approve.  We need to have more confidence in God’s plans for us and believe that it is enough knowing we are doing what is right in his eyes, not in others.  We just can’t please everyone, even our family.  Most likely they will come to love our children as God softens their hearts.  The best thing is to tell them when you’re ready, but don’t set yourself up for unrealistic reactions, etc…

I completely agree with what you said Danielle.  And wow, my husband could have written that letter six months ago (except for the homeschool part).  I do have to constantly remind myself that what feels like criticism is really concern, and it has helped take the sting off.  We have also chosen to be honest with our family in telling them that we are surprised to be expecting again and that we initially felt overwhelmed and scared and a little sad, but that we are trusting in God’s will and that we knew this was always a possibility with the life we’ve chosen.  I think that has helped all of us be respectful of each other’s feelings too.

Congratulations to the letter-writer and his family!

ITA with the recommendations, but it doesn’t lessen the pain, I know.  It seems like everybody else can be happy for us EXCEPT my mom and my sister.  Their concern over “yet another” pregnancy sounds an awful lot like rejection of my children.  I can’t help but wonder how many of my kids they believe should never have existed.  It is to the point where I put off telling them of another baby on the way as long as I decently can.  Thankfully, I am somewhat removed from their reactions, since we live so far away and see eachother once a year or less.  But, still… more than anything I would love to feel like they share my joy and they are genuinely happy for me.  Whenever I am tempted to feel hurt, I try to pray for them, that God will open their eyes to the truth of His blessings

Congratulations to you and your growing family!  I’m constantly in awe of the complete trust and honest faith that large families demonstrate daily in our community.  I hope the recommendations and suggestions provided above are helpful to you.

Congratulations again!

My mother, who had 8 children in 13 years, always told me that after awhile they wouldn’t announce the pregnancy to certain people.  Boy would they be surprised when the birth announcement came in the mail.  Some people are fighters and can handle the comments, others run away from all confrontation.  That’s ok.  You have to do what works for your family.  I personally never told anyone until after my first trimester because I felt too vulnerable and was afraid that I would take any questioning or teasing too seriously, or would break down and cry.  So I waited until I felt stronger, both mentally and physically.

After we had our second child my mom and dad said “You definitely don’t want a third”.  Myself being the third and last child of my parents I truly felt the sting of these words.  Then I realized that they are speaking from their own experience and how difficult it was for them.  I asked them to share that with me and I had an opportunity to share God’s love and faithfulness with them.  Now that we have our third child I pray that all of my failures and successes would be a testament of God’s love and faithfulness.  Perhaps how we love our children will help bring healing to those who need it.

Congrats!!! “Saying there are to many babies, is like saying there are to many flowers.”-Blessed Mother Teresa

I believe that when we are at peace with our decisions, it is easier to accept comments from others.  I also think we have to look at how our “growing” family impacts others.  Are our children respectful, easy to be around, polite and kind?  Do we expect others to take on additional burdens as we add children to our family?  If we keep our eyes on the prize of Christ, our growing families can be a light to others and a reminder to trust in God’s holy will!  God Bless You to all who struggle with the burden of unsupportive family and friends!  Blessed are you who suffer persecution!

I think the advice was right on, it is out of love that our friends and family ask those honest questions. They have a different way of thinking and a different way of living and sometimes it’s hard for them to understand. We too have had to deal with this recently as I am now expecting number 6!!!!  We had been praying about another baby, so we were not completely surprised (only slightly!!). But I think our attitude about the whole thing really changes peoples perspectives and responses. And if something slips out that seems quite harsh, I know it wasn’t meant that way, it’s just that they feel comfortable enough with me to share their true feelings. Normally, the tone changes within a day or two and the support is back and the excitement over a new baby. Especially when that new baby is able to be held and cudled!!!

This comes to my mind in your situation:
James 1-2-5:
“Count it all joy, my brethren, when you meet various trials,
for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.
And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives to all men generously and without reproaching, and it will be given him.”

I want to say ditto to all of Danielle’s advice, especially to know that close family usually speak out of their love for you and their sharing in your suffering (something they somewhat involuntarily do out of love for you, if they have any sense of familial duty- and you know when we encounter suffering we did not expect, most of us balk. And in families we sometimes gloss over lines of respect for the will of God in the lives of one another when it is less palatable to us.)

Two things stand out to me, in your circumstance, in which I have shared in about 10 times, last count.

Yes, no doubt you face an uphill climb in life. Thankfully, with a large family we often get our crosses one splinter at a time over a lifetime- some of the splinters larger than others as we go, but most of our hardship is so refining that in the grand scheme it is all so worthwhile, and you are often privileged to see on this earthly side of this white martyrdom that you would not have had it any other way. The most sound advice I could offer is to fix your eyes on Jesus the Author and Perfecter of our faith (Hebrews 12:2), when we make ourselves and what our lives are centered on, and what we do ALL about HIM then we find the security we need in every moment and we give that security to others by just being in Him. That is a really powerful witness in our time- people’s lives change for God because you are and because you have done this (cooperated in bringing into existence another baby). What more can a follower of Christ long for?

Secondly, ok, there is a huge misconception out there that we are supposed to be in control of our fertility. What you control is when you have intercourse with your spouse. We state, by God’s amazing foreknowledge at our desperate need, every Sunday in our statement of faith-”... I believe in the Holy Spirit, the LORD AND GIVER OF LIFE…” I can personally list a number of situations where a baby was conceived in dire circumstances or the baby’s life (or babies’ lives) were compromised and GREAT salvific good for God and for the people involved came from the situation- I mean situations where the whole pregnancy was frought with hardship, difficulty, or even tragedy. And of course even more situations when the pregnancy was just tough and the timing was tough and the family grew in strength in love and purified intentions and focus- and the blessings were off the charts. This is cause for hope and increased confidence in God, and every baby is a gift from God to the whole human race.
Be strong and courageous (Deut 31:6)! You are mightily blessed (Psalm 127) and God does not forsake His own, (even if/when they are weak or imperfect- I know from experience! (Hebrews 13: 5-8)).

We are expecting our sixth as well!  I did hesitate telling my side of the family, but after the second set of twins (#3 & #4) were born, I knew what to expect to hear.  Negative comments or not, should something happen in this pregnancy I need them to know anyway.  You know what, those who comment never complain about my parenting skills.  I get asked for advice instead and I don’t have to cook for family parties!  I just focus on two things.  One, my in-laws cannot wait for grandchild number 20.  Two, we are going to have some family fun in the end!  Besides, I cannot wait to see what this child is like!  Thank you God for my blessings!

We dealt with this situation as well last year while i was pregnant with our fifth child. We were dreading telling my in laws. When I started showing i told my mother in law. She said that of course they knew already and that my father-in-law was angry with me. With me, not us! Well, I cried all day and refused to see them for several weeks. They became very contrite but it has taken me almost a year (and several times in the confession booth) to get past this. I learned a few lessons. First of all, my husband should have told them. He was avoiding it and we both regret the way we handled telling them.  I also learned that they are never going to stop worrying. It is sign of love even if it feels like a burden sometimes. Can’t write anymore because beloved baby wants to nurse!

This causes me to be truly grateful that we don’t have endure any of this.  Both sides of our families are supportive and excited when we announce another pregnancy.  Yes, they are concerned considering my risks and miscarriage record, but they hope and pray with us that “this time” all will go well.  I will pray for those who must endure this trial with your families.  Perhaps your reactions to your families, observed by little nieces and nephews, will cause those youngsters to consider having larger families themselves!  You all might just be the pioneers in your families for new ways of thinking and living.  Keep your chin up!

I agree with Danielle.

I would just like to add that I have tried to learn, from past rude behavior on the part of my family members, how NOT to relate to my own children as young adults.  Our oldest is nineteen, and I am determined to approach his decisions in life as I wish my adult relatives had done with me in my young adult years.  He is not married or a father!  Yet that underlying issue, of who owns a young adult’s decisions, is crucial in our relationship.  My husband and I are attempting to be resources to him as he makes decisions about college major, ROTC or not, etc.—resources, not steam rollers, critics, etc.  Because we are not telling him what to do, he *does* ask our advice.  He does not feel threatened by any attempt on our part to control him, and he knows we have faith in him, so asking our advice does not feel like a sign of weakness to him.  He is operating from a position of strength.

I think/hope that if one of my kids were having what I considered “too many” kids, and I thought I saw reasons to postpone pregnancy in their marriage, I would ask how I can help, and then just pray.

Its great announcing a new baby to people who just yell yeah! I’ve had 7 ( plus 2 in heaven so 9 announcements) and just like all of you we had some that didn’t understand the joy. But there are also those close enough and wise enough to understand that things are going to be harder now. Having 4 kids is one thing, Having 2 nightowl teens, and 2 middle schoolers and a Kindergartener and someone to potty train and one in diapers is REALLY HARD.
Sometimes the one who is checking on how you are doing just wants to make sure you are checking on your own mental health, getting sleep etc. When I was in the hospital for #6 the news was filled with the texas woman who killed her own 4 kids because her postpartum got out of control.
And sometimes a couple keeps having more because they really are incapable of communicating and it is really sad to see a good friend left to care for a LARGE family alone. Unfortunately I’ve seen it more than once.
Let’s be honest about how hard it is and pray for each other.

The thing to remember is that parenting a large family is hard and for most outsiders “overwhelming”.  To be honest, when I look back at raising 9 small children, I don’t know how I did either!  Truly, it was only by God’s grace.
We are continually challenged, in our search for sanctity, to practice forbearance, especially when others annoy or hurt us.  God Bless you and CONGRATULATIONS!

Hi Congratulations!! Ithink that’s just wonderful! I’m a mom of 6 plus 2 in heaven anes I know what it’s like making announcemnts when you ae so Happy and Blessed. When we annonedour last pregnancy our then 3year old dauger said to someon who wasn’ quite as happy a we were ” ell, it’s only #6 not # 12! The persoodidn’t knowwat to say. Good luck an GdBless eac of you.

I have just dealt with this!  We found out on December 30th that we are expecting our 8th baby and knew that we would hear words of warning from family members.  They worry and they love us, but it still hurts to hear the words, so we just told the news in a card announcing, “A new addition to the family and boy are we all excited and happy! Please rejoice with us that God is sending us another beautiful baby to love!”  Who can argue or dare to bust that bubble?

As I read this, I thought about when I was growing up. We had 5 children in our family. But plenty of my friends had 6,7 and 8 kids in their families. I don’t know because I was just a kid, but I bet nobody made snide comments about another’s pregnancy because they too were pregnant and in the same situation. How times have changed in 40 years. Today is the due date of the child I never got to meet on Jan 12, 1991. I pray for the day I meet him or her in heaven.

We have 9 children.  I think the rude comments peaked at 6 so take heart   Really, I know it’s painful but most people don’t think before they speak.  My MIL is also ashamed of our family and now we don’t speak at all.  It’s a shame that she can’t see the joy in our life but she chooses not to and we have to accept that.  She doesn’t have concern and it doesn’t come from her heart.  It comes from her selfishness and her “culture of death” beliefs. Once my husband and I accepted that we were able to let go of our anger towards her and just pray that she “gets it” before it’s too late.  In the meantime we try to focus on the people that God has put into our lives that love and appreciate our family and who celebrate with us when we announce a new pregnancy.  They may not be related by blood but they are very important to us and we love them all the same.  I believe God put *them* there b/c our own family sometimes just can’t see the beauty of God’s design.

I am sorry for all of you who have felt discouraged or belittled by your brave & heroic efforts to be open to one more soul - even if it wasn’t entirely your idea   We have never experienced any negative comments from either sides of our family on the birth of our children (6).  I wonder if privately my DH extended family think we’re nuts, but they always celebrate every baptism etc with joy. We too have surrounded ourselves with many beautiful supportive families and that helps tremendously.

I have 1 napping and 1 in heaven… I wish I had these difficulties. I think large families are blessed. Not for pities sake did I write this but to show the other side of the coin. Better to endure some negative words then not have you’re blessed new life! Congratualations!

I have to say, I cannot wait to be in the boat of *always* expecting another baby. Fortunately, my fiance and I both have supportive families, but I know there will be people (and already are) who will be astonished that we will be hoping to have children as soon as we get married and as many as God will give us.

Not much to add to the wonderful posts from others expect to add my support and prayers to you and your family!  We have three children (plus two in heaven) and I just miscarried a couple of weeks ago . . . it made me so sad that some people’s first reaction to our loss was not, “I’m sorry” but “Was this planned?”  Father, forgive them . . .I really think so many well-intentioned friends and family members just do not quite understand what they’re saying or doing, and don’t mean to inflict the hurt they do.  I am praying for your family with great joy and hope!

This makes me appreciate my town, family, and parish…they treat us like rock stars. We just had #12 and people are already asking when the next one is coming? Just as Danielle suggests, “surround yourselves with friends who do support you”. It is so important to be excited about this great news. We do get the occasional comment, but our excited attitude must be contagious or I am way to scary to mess with.

Just remember that you are doing God’s work and stay close to your spouse, supporting each other and praying for the wisdom to be the parents God has chosen you to be.

+JMJ+

I just wanted to add one comment to all of the wonderful things others have already said.  Sometimes people say negative things about our large families (I have 8) because it makes them feel guilty that they weren’t more open to life.  Most people don’t have large families for all of the reasons that they tell us not to—money, stress, time—but also for other selfish reasons that they don’t volunteer.  They want to be able to take nice vacations, have time for adult hobbies, want to sleep all night, think that babies and toddlers are tiresome, etc.
When they see someone else making the sacrifices and experiencing the joys of a large family, it makes them feel guilty and think of reasons why you shouldn’t be doing it if they couldn’t/wouldn’t themselves.

Thank you for this post. It is so helpful and just something I need to read this morning. I live in the are where people use to have big families. But now, unfortunately I just cannot understand why it has became such a problem for “others”  when I have my children. It is hard when your family think you should not have your children born because you do not have “you home” , sufficient income”, etc ... Sometimes I feel ashamed to even speak about another child as they all jump on me with that economy story.. even those good devoted catholic people As if they feel they would have to help me, or give me something and that bothers them ?!

It’s always hard when people you love aren’t supportive of your choices. My beloved aunt was always so worried about me whenever I’d say I was pregnant again. She herself had raised four kids and eleven foster children, so she knew the difficulty. But it was still hard having her doubt my decisions.

Now, of course, I can’t even try for another since the medications I’m on are highly teratogenic. But with one in college, two in high school, one elemenrary guy being homeschooled, and a preschooler and an infant, I’m a bit busy to contemplate having any more anyway! My dad wrote me a whiny email the other day about how I was “hiding and pretending to be an only child” because I wasn’t interested in hanging out with my stepsiblings. I told him that I just didn’t have time to even THINK about them lately! If they wanted to come volunteer to babysit my autistic teenager, hey, that might be different! lol Maybe then I’d have time to think about people I’ve never met, who’ve never emailed me, and probably never will!

Congratulations to the writer, first off! I have experience here as well, as so many others have commented about. I started my family very young: my first at 19 and now I am pregnant with my 4th at 25 yrs old. My husband and I are very excited, but bc of our own ages and my other 3 children I constantly get comments…almost daily by someone saying “well, don’t have another one!” or “you don’t want another one” or ” aren’t you done??” We haven’t told anyone that we’re pregnant again…and it’s going to be difficult when the time comes, but thankfully my mother and father, while thinking we’re crazy, will embrace us and our new baby. Peace.

I second what someone said about making your announcement joyfully. That will silence many comments right there. Not everyone though. I hope you are pleasantly surprised. My in-laws were *not* very happy with the announcement of number 4, and I dreaded telling them about number 5, which is now due in April. To my surprise, they really said very little. I don’t think they were thrilled (my dh actually told them), but they haven’t said anything negative to me. I think they have just accepted our insanity.

Babies are great. Go forth and multiply. Blessings to all and happy baby-making.

Just one quick comment.  Take note of who all said negative comments and then later, when you are feeling stressed or overwhelmed (i.e. just having a bad day), do NOT vent to those people.  Or you might get the “I told you so” look.  Or the “You brought this upon yourself, so why are you complaining” look.

And congrats!  What a wonderful blessing!  We are expecting #5, with another in heaven.

Like some of the responders above, I have been on both sides of the fence.  When my mother died…all I wanted was a child.  All my extended family members were having children left and right and I couldn’t.  None of them could understand what my deal was.  Since I had the first set of twins, I was able to have more.  At first, the twins were cute, but when the second set came so did the looks and comments.  I often told my husband that even the negative comments are a form of attention and someday we won’t hear it at all (I mean any recognition of our hard work is good).  Yes, we have a tribe and we’re proud of it.  With #6 (the oldest are only 5!) on the way, I finally see where the extended family stands.  They want the children but their lives too (and have physically fixed it so).  I may have lost some adult socialization time (who needs to drink anyway?), but when these kids are older, boy will I get some socialization in then, especially with my own dear children!  And I won’t hear, “Mom, why don’t I have a brother/sister?”  My job is to do His will and get these kids to heaven and with God’s help, they will be responsible Catholics along the way.  So when the comments come…I think about the future and the positive comments we’ll get then and the fun they will see us having!  If somebody digs further, we bring up who just might be paying their retirement or social security benefits (a load for 1 or 2 kids, but not for 6)!  Yes, most people today just don’t get it (and have no tact either), but I keep the smile on because I know what’s coming with God’s grace!  God Bless!