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Email a FriendWe’ve approached it like the ‘birds and the bees’ talk. when they ask, when they are ready. I have some very pragmatic, matter of fact children. Learning about abortion was a ‘well, that is horrible, who would do that awful thing?!” moment but since it wasn’t part of their world, no one was going to do that to their baby brother or sister etc…it wasn’t traumatizing. now, I also have some extremely sensitive, empathetic children. My one daughter witnessed a stray dog dying (a pretty gruesome death) at a friends house. She had nightmares for over 6 months, we had to take her to our priest twice and we came close to taking her to counseling. With this child, and other children like her we had to tread the abortion discussion extremely carefully, slowly and lightly. She is 11 and I don’t think she fully comprehends just what abortion fully entails and that is oK with me.
Difficult Discussion
Posted by Arwen Mosher in Family on Friday, January 20, 2012 9:00 AM
This weekend for the anniversary of Roe v. Wade, our parish is having its usual prayer vigil. We signed up for a half-hour time slot. Bryan’s going and I suggested he might take our five-year-old daughter with him.
But I wasn’t surprised when he hesitated. Because, you see, we haven’t explained to Camilla about abortion yet.
We did participate in the local pregnancy care center’s fill-a-bottle-with-coins fundraiser, and talked about how some parents don’t have the resources to give their babies what we need, and how we have a responsibility to help them. She took that seriously. It was sweet, actually, the way she pulled out her piggy bank so she could help the babies.
But the idea that some babies are actually killed in the womb? I don’t know how to tell her about that. I mean, just last year she saw new pictures of her unborn brothers every other week, even came along to some ultrasounds and watched their movements on the screen. She understands the reality - much more than I did at her age - of babies being alive before they are born.
I don’t want my daughter to be up at night worrying because I’ve scared her the way my dad accidentally terrified me, years ago, when he told me about poison gas and the Gulf War. But on the other hand, I want her to eventually understand about all the mothers and babies who are the victims of abortion, so that she can love them and pray for them.
So I’m curious: how and when did you tell your kids about abortion? I’m thinking it varies based on the individual needs of the child, so I’d love to know how you knew each kid was ready, and what exactly you told them, and how they reacted, and anything else that’s related. Help! My husband and I are novices at this, and we can use all the information we can get.
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Our oldest two are 8-1/2 and almost 4. They may have picked some things up in conversation, but in general they know that we help moms with babies, and they understand (at least they 8-year old) that momma & daddy don’t support officials that don’t support moms having babies. In general, I don’t think my kids understand that some people don’t want babies let alone that they would have them dismembered in utero. Like the person who posted above, I’ve been treating it like sexuality. We use proper terminology and address questions as they are ready for the answers. I can see myself explaining that women end their pregnancies in a general way before I have to get into the means by which they do that.
I think when kids are really young, if they hear the word and ask, saying the moms were too scared so they sent the baby back to JEsus before it was born is sufficient. 2 of ours are adopted and we tell all of the kids that their birthmoms love them so much, and are so sad they couldn’t be their Mommies, but they prayed to JEsus to help them find a Mommy and Daddy for them…
I think talking as above about abortion is the way for our family because it also points to our kids’ birthmoms’ courage and self-sacrificial love.
I am interested to hear what people say. Our parish (also my son’s school) puts out tiny crosses on the front lawn every year. Last year, he was in K and asked about them, and we told him the crosses were for babies that had died. How long can we say that? When do we need to get more specific?
I dread having this conversation. My son is adopted, so I’m sure he will realize at some point that he could have very easily been an abortion victim if his birthmother had made a different “choice”. And our situation is even more complicated because so many people in our family defend that other “choice”. How do I tell my son that his immediate family members think it would have been a legitimate choice for his birthmother?
My oldest is 3 and I’m just praying that Randall Terry’s Super Bowl ad doesn’t get enough funding to be on locally because I’d like to be able to watch the Super Bowl without danger to his innocence.
There are very few Super Bowl commercials that will not damage his innocence.
My oldest 2 are 4.5 and 3. We’ve talked to both of them about abortion. We’ve always gone to our local abortion clinic to ‘pray for the babies”. That was enough for them for a while. Then the questions of “why are we praying for them” started coming up. I never bring it up first, if THEY ask the question I answer it as best I can, but I don’t lie to my kids. So, I just told them the truth, that some people hurt the babies. I don’t tell them HOW these kids are hurt, and they haven’t asked yet.
We also have a saints book for kids that has the Holy Innocents in it. So we’ve talked about King Herod and how he wanted to kill the baby Jesus and that he had all these babies killed because he didn’t know which one was the baby Jesus. Then when they ask about the ‘people hurting babies’ we also talk about the Holy Innocents. And that sometimes babies are killed by bad people and that we should always pray for the babies Souls that God would have Mercy on them. And we pray for those who kill the babies, that they may come to know, love, and serve God.
Anna, my oldest is also 4, and my husband goes to the March in DC every year as a part of his job. We always tell our children that Daddy is going to march for the babies so that they can all be born. Well, last week my daughter asked why they wouldn’t be born and we chose to very discreetly explain that some people don’t want that to happen and they don’t let the babies be born. I had a moment afterward of “what have I done?” because we do try very hard to protect her innocence, limit media intake, etc. While she seemed to sense the severity of it, she has not seemed traumatized by it. I pray our blessed mother will continue to guide all of us in conveying this to our children at the right time and in the right way.
I did not tell our kids until they heard about it and asked.
That was usually when they were over ten.
Young children just do not need the burden of knowing details of all the evil and sin in the world. I’m for protecting their innocence. They do not need to know about abortion, prostitution, sex trafficking, famous murderers in the news, etc. When very young, they need to feel that the world is a safe place.
I do not take them to the pro-life march. I do not want any of my children to see the graphic images of aborted fetuses—unless they are old enough to understand what to expect (teenage). I would not want them praying at the abortion clinic. We shy away from pro-life speeches with younger kids, because they disclose what abortion is. All of the older ones (four teens and one in his twenties) oppose abortion as much as any other serious Catholic does, but they did not have to find out about it at very young ages. At some point in their teens, each of them has asked to go to the pro-life march, and has gone with the parish on a bus. They were old enough to process things that would have been extremely disturbing to them ten years earlier.
In my view, my call to protect my children’s innocence is far far above my call to oppose abortion.
Please forgive me if this sounds strident. I have a strong opinion about this, and I hope it is coming across charitably through e-mail. The reason I am writing is absolutely NOT to chastise moms who have chosen a different route, but to present this point of view for the sake of those who have not yet decided what to do.
Sometimes we moms can feel pressured to do all the good things others are doing (even if our active pro-life friends are not applying pressure, we often apply it to ourselves). If there are moms of young children out there who do not want them to know about abortion, please do not feel guilty or think that you are “not pro-life enough”.
I totally agree with you Angela. My parents were hardcore anti-abortion protesters and it was difficult as a child to process all that. Furthermore, it’s an introduction to political life that should best be made as an adult, or a near adult - older teenager.
I strongly agree with Angela, that protecting my child’s innocence comes first.
That said, my son was 3 days shy of his 7th birthday when he broached the subject in a way I didn’t see coming: “Obama kills babies” he said. Yikes! He goes to a tiny Catholic school where 99% of the cars in the lot have pro-life bumper stickers. Another student in class must have gotten carried away in repeating some political rhetoric.
So I didn’t want him to think that we live in a world where the President of the US can walk around killing babies & we all know it and allow it to happen. But it also saddened me that here he was, on the cusp of the age of reason, and picked *this* topic for starters! I tried to use as few words as possible (being a mom, I tend to run on a bit…) and basically said, “No, he (Obama) doesn’t kill them. But he thinks it’s okay for a woman to pay a doctor to kill the baby inside her. What a horrible thing. It is wrong. That is why we say that prayer every day that we do: ‘God bless all mommies with babies in their bellies; God bless all babies waiting to be born.’” And that was about it!
As his reading skills improve, I’m sure he’ll try to make sense of the pro-life bumper stickers on *our* cars.
I told my kids as soon after they first learned what murder is. If they can know that Cain murdered Abel they can know about abortion. Yes, it shocked them but right away they knew instinctively how wrong it was. They were strongly pro-life from the moment I told them and continue to be. They weren’t traumatized but I have never shown them pictures of aborted babies (the oldest is 13). I think the bigger issue is not so much about telling them what abortionis but what details about the procedure to tell or divulge or show. I am waiting for high school for that.
I tend to feel the same way. My oldest are 10 and we do not openly discuss abortion. Is there a chance they know something about it, sure. And I’m well aware that the discussion will be had with the oldest soon. But as for my younger children, we are still having babies, my husband’s siblings are still having babies, and it just seems like the idea that Oh yeah, sometimes mommies and daddies don’t love their babies enough to let them live is in such conflict with our message that babies are born to a mom and dad that love each other very much and badly wanted a baby. And I think that is really the most important message for a young child. It is hard enough explaining to my almost 5 yo that some kids don’t have enough food, parents that can take care of them, presents at Christmas, etc. I just don’t see him at all understanding abortion, it’s just too foreign. And I don’t think he really needs to right now. That doesn’t mean we don’t pray for all moms and unborn babies, we do, but we leave it at that. Would it be traumatizing for my younger children, probably not, but I do believe it would be confusing and just isn’t something that is age-appropriate for them to grapple with. Kids can be really good at compartmentalizing things that they don’t understand, so just because we don’t notice that they are struggling with such a grown-up thing doesn’t mean they aren’t. Of course, if I were to ever get a direct question I would answer it in an age-appropriate way.
On our daily travels we often pass an abortion clinic. Since my oldest (now 14) was a baby we have always out of habit said a Hail Mary as we pass by. When asked why we pray there I always say that we are praying for all unborn babies. As they get older it has opened the doors to communicate about life issues and choices we make and consequences to our choices. We have talked about some of the situations moms are in and what needs they may have. I do not go into detail about abortion. I pray for guideance when a question is asked. I do try to shelter them from the horror, but I also want them to understand that life is sacred from the womb to the tomb. What I hope to do is when they are older that it is a “no brainer” that a life is a life.
I have a Precious Feet pin that I always wear and my oldest (5) has asked about it. I tell her that it is a model of unborn baby feet because, since we can’t see the baby inside the mom, some people don’t know that it is a baby and don’t know the baby should be taken care of just like babies we can see. “Horton Hears a Who” is a useful lesson that way and gives a kid-friendly way to introduce the whole problem.
My parents always took us to the March or to pray at the clinics or whatever; I don’t remember being especially traumatized by it, just that I wanted to *do* something about abortion. But I think they were careful to let us know that we weren’t in danger from abortion so we didn’t have any personal fear about it. But we all knew about it from an early age and were (and still are, to differing degrees depending on circumstances) active in the pro-life movement.
I could see it being different if it’s more personal. One friend of our family has a dd with spina bifida; this woman has a close relative who got that same diagnosis for her unborn daughter and aborted, along with emailing the entire family about her decision “so I wouldn’t have a child like J.” I don’t know what you tell your kids with a situation like that, somewhat like Clare said above.
Also, Michelle R. suggested once that, when taking your kids to a pro-life event, we ask their guardian angels to let each child see what should be seen and miss what that child should miss. Seems like excellent advice to me.
That’s some lovely advice, Anna. 
I am so glad to see this being discussed charitably. It is a topic I have grappled with ever since we had children. As a devout Catholic, I have had many Masses where I have felt I had to cover my young daughters’ ears during the homily or during a presentation on the altar, whether with respect to abortion or rape or any number of other topics. American children are exposed to so much violence and anger and evil on the TV screens in their own homes, and the church needs to respect that many of us are trying to turn the tide by raising our children in a protected, innocent environment. When I am home, I do not allow TV or a newspaper with violence into my home. When I go to Mass, I want to ask the priest sometime, “Do YOU want to ride home in the car with me and explain to our children the topics you preached about like abortion? How do I answer them when they ask me what you were talking about?” Worse sometimes is the case of a child who does NOT ask a parent but forms an impression nonetheless. So difficult! I honestly believe these topics are of utmost importance to adults, and I understand their passion. But we must respect the age-appropriateness of presenting such material at the 10am Family Mass! It is just irresponsible to violate the innocence of children in order to educate or motivate their parents. Please schedule a seminar or meeting at another time for these types of issues. When are daughters were under the age of 12, if they asked about these things, we used the same answer: “These are adult matters and I am sorry you had to hear about them now, and when you are OLDER we will be happy to discuss them with you further.”
I feel for the priests, there, though. They get so few chances to catechize, and so many Catholics know so little about what the Church teaches and why. I would hate to see them pass up the chance to educate, although I’m sure many of them are reluctant to say too much because there are always children present at every Mass.
Of course, I’m not a parent yet, so I may feel differently some day when I have little ones to worry about. In any case, I don’t envy them the task of trying to find the balance between educating the adults and keeping things appropriate for the kids.
Some children are more sensitive than others, and you need to gauge your own daughter’s readiness to handle the information. We never volunteered information about abortion, but our boys always asked us around the age of 5- usually in the context of us praying in front of a clinic, or praying for an end to abortion during Mass. They have a very practical outlook on everything from movies to death and aren’t easily disturbed, so we told them the truth when they asked: that abortion is when a baby is killed before it has a chance to be born.
Of course this raises all kinds of questions (as it should) and initiates (often great) discussions. We try to explain that some mommies and daddies are so scared that they do sinful things that they really regret later. It has really impressed on them the need to pray and work for an end to abortion.
I can imagine that this might be too much for some kids, but for our family it has worked. We don’t let them see graphic images of aborted fetuses, or talk about the details of the procedure yet, of course (they are only 8, 6, and 5), but they understand what it is. No sense beating around the bush as far as I’m concerned.
I can’t recall telling my children about abortion, because I have been involved in the issue for so long it is just part of my life and their lives. We pray at an abortion facility, we’ve been to the March (our two oldest will be going this year without us).
I think one of the best things a parent can do is show anger about it. Not scream and curse and yell about it, but show our quiet deep simmering rage that this is happening around us and often with our own tax dollars (I live in NY where state money pays for some abortions.) This may sound wrong to many, but I believe that there are some things that deserve our anger and abortion, violence against completely helpless and dependent little one, is certainly one of them. It is a desecration. As a family, we pray for the abortionists, we pray for the mothers, but most of all we pray for the babies. Every morning in prayer, we recite Archbishop Fulton Sheen’s prayer: “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, I love you very much. I beg you to spare the life of the preborn child that I have spiritually adopted who is in danger of abortion today.” You can see more here: http://www.spiritualadoption.org/
Who will tell the truth if not our brave priests and deacons from the pulpit? Everything is a teachable moment. We relish every opportunity to discuss life issues with our children. Again, not forcing them, but as they come up, and in age appropriate ways and handled with lots of prayer and sacrifice (very similiar to earlier posts). Some great books can be found at preciouslifemissions.org, written by the Brindle family.
My husband and I met during college as we were involved in Pro-Life activities…and here we are 26 years later STILL needing to get the message across. I cry each time I attend the March with our children (usually 5th grade and up, but other close friends have taken their children from infancy). We strongly support the baby bottle campaign, Rosebuds, 40 days for Life, etc., etc. And each of our children, 21 to 11, are able to discern the truth and share with their friends.
I agree with your thinking, Arwen, and it’s hard to know where the line between truth and protection is. Hiding the truth is generally not a good idea, but accidentally giving a young child nightmares is not a good idea, either.
Of course, my parents tried to not scare me, but since I taught myself to read, I surreptitiously read the newspapers, which only scared me more, since I couldn’t ask for explanations. If a young (3, 4, 5, etc) child is curious enough, they WILL seek out information.
My kids were maybe 5 when they each first asked, and I told them straight out. I never dodge tough topics with my kids. I was substitute teaching a couple years ago when a fifth grader wanted to know what partial birth abortion was, so I explained, and then I let the pastor and deacon know that the question came up and I answered it. It never occurred to me to refuse to answer the question or that some parents might be upset. No one complained.
The tack I have taken with my children is that moms who don’t expect to be pregnant are often frightened, more frightened than they can probably imagine, and they just want someone to take care of them. Unfortunately, many people only know the shortcut, which is abortion, because truly taking care of a pregnant woman is a huge undertaking. There is so much more to being prolife than just opposing abortion, and my kids are not scared of things they can pro-actively fight. They came to the LifeChain for the first time this year, and saw a person driving up and down the road with one of those awful pictures, so we talked about it. They understand why I don’t like those pictures, and did not have nightmares, which is a relief.
I am a DRE and I have had parents complain to me about our catechists discussing abortion in our classes. It is not a part of our curriculum, but it has come up in questions or during discussions about the commandments. One group of parents, in particular, became quite upset when a catechist explained (after a student asked a question) what abortion was. This was a class of third graders. It caused quite a commotion and the parents wanted the catechist dismissed. Also, I have had parents come in and complain to me that they did not want the “political” issue of abortion brought into the catechism classes (and these were parents of middle school students). Disheartening, to say the least.
Our approach is to wait until the children bring it up with us, but we are re-considering that a bit because our oldest (10 yr old) has yet to bring it up. This is such a timely post, since my husband and I were just discussing how best to talk about it with him. We’re assuming that he must have some level of knowledge by now (from prayers, attending mass, catechism, etc.), but he’s never raised the issue with us.
My one hesitation is that I have a very distinct memory of when I first learned the reality of abortion, and I was in 7th grade (age 12). And I went to Catholic school! So, I think it is possible for a child (especially an oldest, like myself) to maintain innocence on abortion longer than we might think. Learning that reality in 7th grade was jarring enough for me, and I imagine it would have been more traumatic at a younger age. So, I wonder about waiting a bit longer with our 10 yr old. There’s also the issue of who we want him to learn about it from, and if we wait too long it won’t be us. We’ll see.
The topic of abortion entered into our family conversations about 4 years ago, during the last presidental elections. It was such a pertinent conversation, as it was 4 years before that, but 4 years ago, my oldest was 9 and 8 years ago, he was only 5, and clueless. He loves to listen to adult conversations, so we chose to let him know what we were discussing rather than be always on guard or not know what he had heard and then have him left with more questions. I would rather my children learn about life - the good, bad and the ugly - from me than from any other source. Since then, the topic comes up every so often, especially now that my oldest boys are 13 and 11. My oldest, especially, is starting to formulate a worldview, he’s growing up. I encourage his conversations with me whenever and wherever they occur…even if little ears are listening. The topic is simply handled in a matter-of-fact way, and when we did a 5 minute protest during the 40 Days for Life Campaign at the local abortion provider, my 4 y.o. said, “Oh, they kill babies here, Mommy?” and grabbed an “Abortion Hurts Women” sign and waved it around. Every family is different, and children can be very sensitive…so can parents. We have to make judgment calls day by day. However, our children will learn about the harsh realities of life at some point…so far, I have chosen to hand-feed them small doses of reality every so often so that the big bad world doesn’t fall on their heads like a pallet of bricks when they are teenagers.
We were at the abortion clinic for FORTY-FIVE minutes, not just 5. oops.
I was in the third grade during the 1992 elections, and at the lunch table everyone was telling everyone else that they had voted for Bill Clinton, of course. I then announced that I had not voted for Bill Clinton because he killed babies, and then went on to shock them with the details of partial-birth abortion.
I remember vividly my father telling me about the reality of abortion, and how outraged I was. I wasn’t traumatized by this conversation, nor did I have nightmares—I was just infuriated. Maybe my dad knew that even though I was so young I was mature enough to handle the truth.
Although sometimes I still wish that I hadn’t known so much so young. I don’t think I will take the same approach with my own children.
We are open with all of our children about abortion since we pray at clinics on occasion and it’s mentioned at church. No one has been traumatized so far. They know what murder is and are familiar with many bible stories involving murder as well as stories of the martyrs so my husband and I never hesitated to share about abortion. My children have all seemed ready to hear about death at young ages so I never feared them losing their innocence. I fall more on the side of allowing them to be naturally exposed to concepts like abortion while we as a family are doing something proactive to help fight evil, ie: bringing them to a crisis pregnancy fundraiser, etc. I think this helps them process the information and empowers them so they don’t have their first memories of the concept revolving around fear and despair, instead they’re imprinting in their memories positive things they can do to help the unborn.
The challenge of handling difficult topics has been on the forefront of parenting for us right now. A friends father in law recently committed suicide, and she has been challenged to find the balance between how much information to tell her 20 and 6 yr old children about their grandfather. Thank you for bringing up this discussion.
I find that very sad.. I am a table leader at my son’s youth group and I have to say that when the teacher brings up the topic of abortion I feel very happy. There are children that are not being taught at home the teachings of the church.My son’s are 11 and 13 and are involved in a group through KofC for young men, they have raised almost two thousand dolloars for a ultrasound machine for a crisis pregnancy center. If anything this has affected my boy’s in a positive way to know that they are helping to save babies by there charity or by there prayers.
I have daughters who’ve always been extremely sensitive. When my girls were very young, we told them only that abortion was something that hurt babies and women. When we participated in a Life Chain, we told them that all the signs were different ways of saying, “Babies Are Important.” I explained that some people don’t understand how helpless babies are, how much babies need our full protection and care, even before they’re born, and so we try to help spread the message that babies—all babies—are important, and that we also want to help women who are confused about that.
When they were a little older and asked for more details about *how* abortion hurts babies, we adapted some responses I’d heard from a friend. We explained that some women are so confused and hurting and misguided that they allow a doctor to do an operation and the baby dies.
We continued to discuss it over the years, and revealed more details, age appropriately. This year my teens are in DC for the March for Life for the first time. They still don’t want to see the graphic images, and don’t have to in order to know how horrific abortion is; their convictions are rock solid. (My teens are both jr. high youth group leaders and one of them spent the better part of a recent youth group meeting explaining to an 8th grade boy why abortion is wrong.)
Approaches vary by family, levels of sensitivity, family circumstance, etc. I think you’ll find, Arwen, that if you keep praying for the right approach, the graces to handle it in the way that’s best for *your* kids will become more and more clear. You’re such a good mommy!
Clarification: my daughter was responding to the boy’s questions about why she wanted to go to the March for Life, and his assertions that he thought abortion was fine in some circumstances.
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