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I feel your nervousness! Been there…and will be for so many more years!
Our oldest son had been away at school (but a lot closer than your son!)...and recently withdrew and moved back home. So, a few weeks earlier than expected, and with EVERYTHING, before we had time to make room for it.
In the fall we will have 2 more going away to college.
I have found I have to talk with the younger ones a bit more and try to get them to back off and give the older kids some space and time.
We try to get everyone to pitch in with family chores when they are home…they do still live here.
Time to talk…hard with our full house…but, opportunities to cook together and work on preparing a meal for everyone has a unifying effect (most times). I would miss our oldest when he did go back to school…he used to make GREAT lunches for our homeschooling family. Now that he is home and working fulltime, he pitches in with a dinner or two.
And curfews…an important thing was making sure we knew where they were going, and approximate arrival back home. I made our oldest come in and tell me when he was home. I wasn’t sleeping anyway until I heard him come home!
The rosary helps me get through all those moments. I guess things weren’t the same for Mary after Jesus started going on the road with those 12 either!
When College Kids Come Home
Posted by Lisa Hendey in Family on Tuesday, May 10, 2011 8:52 PM
Despite my concerns to the contrary at several points during the year, I seem to have almost survived my son Eric’s first year away at college. For those unfamiliar with our story, my nineteen year old Freshman son studies at Harvard, just about as far as he can possibly be away from our home in Fresno, California.
When Eric left home in August, I felt as those a large limb—or perhaps a quarter of my heart—had been amputated from my body. For the first month, whenever I passed his room, I teared up. The slight mess he left us lasted a good six weeks, since it took that long before I could spend any sizable amount of time in his bedroom. I tried to dull myself to the constant missing I felt, to pray for his safety and his enjoyment of his new world, and to fill my time with busyness that would assuage the pain I felt.
Surprisingly, if anything, our communication seemed to increase. The boy who last year had come and gone so frequently as he drove himself to and from the myriad high school responsibilities that filled his calendar became a young man who actually called several times a week on his way to and from classes just to chat. His excitement for what he was learning, for the friends he was making, and for his new-found passions was infectious. I gave up my own sorrow in favor of being happy for his joy. A few extended visits to his campus helped me to meet the new buddies, to see the living arrangements for myself, and to realize that I wasn’t losing my son for good.
On Saturday, after one last final on Friday morning and a round of packing that I’d rather not know about, Eric will board a plane and fly home. He’ll be with us for about two weeks prior to jetting off for summer school in an entirely new place (I’ll share that adventure soon). I’ve cleaned his room and am excited about stocking the fridge and welcoming him back home, even if only for a short time. I anticipate a few sibling squabbles as the teen who’s been home all year gives back a bit of the turf he’s taken over and learns to share the car keys. There will be music played, meals enjoyed together, stories swapped, and more than likely another round of sadness when we deliver him back to the airport. He’ll be home, but this time I know it will be different from the way things used to be.
In a way, I’m a bit nervous. I remember my own chafing at my parents’ rules on the summers I spent at home during college. My campus independence felt seriously stifled—and I know Eric will face that feeling too. We’ll have a new reality to negotiate, new boundaries to establish, but the same old love binding our hearts through it all. I’m excited beyond words, but also feeling realistic…there will be some adjusting to be done.
Have you moms with older sons and daughters been through this in the past and do you have any words of wisdom for me? Do our younger moms remember this situation for yourselves and, if so, can you share your advice? I’d love to know what pitfalls to avoid and what joys to anticipate!
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My daughter is graduating from college on Thursday! I am a bit nervous, but the comfort of mass together every Sunday (when she is home) overcomes all/any anxiety during the week. She is a very independent, mature young woman and I sometimes wonder who the mom is, me or her? So my advice, laugh alot, plan family meals, and attend Sunday mass together. Good luck and God bless! =)
My kids aren’t in college yet but I still remember what it was like when I came home for the summers in graduate school (I lived at home for undergraduate) and then for vacations when I was a working woman in another state. My mom didn’t impose curfews (of course I was over 22 at this point) or other rules. But I remember just being SO bored. I didn’t have any friends back home and I just didn’t know what to do with myself. In those days there weren’t Catholic groups and activities for young adults like there are now. So I remember watching TV and counting the days until I was back where my life and friends were.
I will say, we’re in the throes of adjustment here. (And yes, there is pain involved—probably more for me ...) Daughter came home two weeks ago. It’s wonderful to have her in our presence, but of course, the dynamic is different. We’re sensitive to the fact that we functioned just fine without her for nine months and feel we shouldn’t be asking her to do much around here. That said, I wish she would just chip in a little so I wouldn’t have to ask ... so she’d set an example for the littler ones. Her presence at home could make my life a little easier, but I just can’t seem to find a balance. She’s a lovely girl and wants for so very little. I don’t want her time at home to be me nagging at her to help out. Ugh. She is hoping to find a summer job, but not much luck on that end as of yet. If she were getting up and getting going, I might feel a little differently. Who knows. All I know is, it’s phase 2. The first one was the one Lisa described … the I-lost-a-limb separation feeling when they leave. Now, phase 2 is the oh-yay-I- got-the-limb-back feeling, but darn it, it doesn’t work the same way used to … hmmm.
I remember the time I spent at home during college vacations (and later when I came home from grad school to spend time nursing my mum) as a mixture of joy at being back with my family, and frustration at being treated like I was still 13. I left home at 19 but was into my twenties when I went to college, and really chafed at being treated like a child when I stayed with my parents during vacations. From little things like not being able to choose what I ate to bigger issues like the fact that they wouldn’t let me leave the house after dark, I just got very frustrated. My parents grew up in a particualry dangerous part of the world, and struggle to believe that I’ll be safe out on my own (seriously - they live in a tiny English town, I couldn’t be safer!), but as I’ve got older I’ve come to realise that all of this comes from their love for me. I’m now 30, and when I stay in their home I accept and enjoy the fact that they want to nurture me, but also try to be helpful, whether that’s peeling potatoes or showing my dad how to get the photos from his camera onto the computer. Basically, if you’re a loving family that will carry you through any frustrations, but as boundaries are re-negotiated there’s bound to be a bit of discomfort on both sides.
All of my children are under two, and this article makes me want to hold on TIGHT to them while I have them. But I know the Lord gives us the graces for each stage. My husband keeps reminding me that parenthood is an exercise in constantly letting go. Sigh.
I don’t have college aged kids yet. but my aunt & uncle had house rules for their college kids that I thought we’re reasonable. 1) Sunday Mass - you must go when you live in their home 2) No “curfews” but it was expected that you would communicate your plans and call if you were running late (so no one would worry and meals could be planned) 3) Assigned weekly chores (not daily since daily routines varied - things like mow the lawn, doing laundry etc.
My kids are far from college age, but I do remember coming home from college. I wish my parents had been more willing to talk with me about the transition back home. Now, in their defense, I was the first born, so I’m sure my parents didn’t really know what to expect, especially since they both moved out at 18 and never really went back home. I think expectations should be clear. I like Kathleen’s list of Mass as a family, communication about plans and chores. And not really so much chores, as trying to impress that coming home to live with the family is a privilege. So an adult child is expected to have their own life while still respecting the rest of the family. They need to do their fair share, whether that is helping out with family meals, yard work, general chores. But they aren’t teenagers anymore, so when it comes to family outings, helping out with younger siblings and such they should be informed of what is going on and asked to join in. Living at home shouldn’t be allowed to be free room and board. And in some ways, this time is so important because it is the first steps in parents and children learning to coexist as adults. All of these negotiations will continue for years to come as new spouses, children, in-laws all enter the picture. It’s a process we’ll keep having to work at and adjust to as we all grow as families.
Only advice is appreciate every bit of humor that comes along with Eric’s temporary homecoming. Build mementos in your mind of this visit, especially the times you all laugh together. Our daughter will never forget (we won’t let her) on her first trip back home for Christmas, she did not just bring a suitcase, but a huge like washing machine size box filled with clothes etc. We still chuckle over that one. Enjoy it all!
I thought about this more on the long drive to my parents’ house this evening (I’m staying overnight so I can attend a wedding tomorrow), and a few more things that my parents do when I come home occurred to me. My dad, an early-to-bed kind of guy, always waits up for me when I’m travelling down, even if it’s to greet my in his pyjamas, give me a quick kiss and go to bed. And when I get to my room (which is now a spare room, but still features one of my teenage posters - now nicely framed and rather faded), there’s always something waiting for me on the bed. Occasionally it’s a small gift (a notebook, a piece of fabric, a bar of soap) but more often it’s a pile of things my mum thinks I’d be interested in: articles she’s clipped from magazines, copies of academic papers, postcards, a picture of my granny as a little girl. They just say, I thought of you when I saw this, and let me know that she thinks of me often. I know that her mum did this for her too - I remember her receiving envelopes stuffed with newspaper clippings with my granny’s notes all over them. I’m quite sure that I’ll do this for my kids, and equally sure that they’ll occasionally wonder why the heck I thought that particular article would be something they’d be interested in!
Our oldest is back home for his 2nd summer of college. As someone else mentioned, one of the hardest transitions is with the younger siblings…I don’t think they understand or appreciate how he’s changed. (all ours are still in one bedroom, which makes it difficult too). He attends Mass with us, does his own laundry, and does keep us posted on his comings and goings. While he is job hunting, we are putting him to work around the house—and he’s being very agreeable with it. Since he owes us money (for car stuff), he’s actually tackling larger home tasks that we might otherwise have to have done professionally, in an effort to reduce his debt (re-wired a broken kitchen light fixture today). He also becomes my chauffeur, picking up or delivering his sibs as needed. If a job does materialize for him, we will cut down on his requirements around the home. He will leave again in July, this time for a much longer stretch as he takes an internship much farther away than college…I expect that will be another adjustment for both of us yet again.
Enjoy having your son home!
My oldest is home after his first year. I love having him back here—his STUFF, not so much. He came in and dumped it all in his room, so you can’t even walk around in there. The overflow is out here in the public areas of the house. Until his summer job starts (3 more weeks) he is helping with some heavy tasks around here like landscaping stuff. I agree with what Mary Therese said above—it’s harder on siblings (especially his 9 year old brother) who don’t understand that he has changed! He’s less patient with his little brother, I’ve noticed. He’s good about letting us know where he’s going and who he’s with, and we’re living with the fact that he has basically turned into a nocturnal animal while at college 
That will change when his job starts and he has to be at work at 7 AM—haha! We welcome his friends who visit, and I try to make his favorite foods since I know he misses home cooking. It’s an adjustment, but it hasn’t been TOO bad.
My kids are adults now, 25 and 22 - the 22 year-old still in school but living at home (though she’s never home). Our son (the 25 year-old) moved out 2 weeks ago, again. Since school he’s been back and forth a couple of times - he dearly wants to be on his own and we want that too but financially it’s a challenge. I find the 20-something years as they truly emerge into adulthood as the most challenging. You can no longer lay down rules but can only suggest. You have to let go so they can grow. I find the leaving and the coming back to be difficult because of the adjustment. I cry when they go (with the ritual of the crying jag in their rooms) but then I adjust to them being gone and pay more attention to my husband. I miss the energy of the kids but appreciate the quiet and getting to know my husband again. I just wish that when they went, it was for good because the coming back is hard. Parenthood is not for the faint-hearted and Lisa, I feel your pain!
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