I don’t have any advice.  I’m disappointed particularly in that grandmother, who could have been a good support person and role model for her daughter.  I have certainly lost it with my son on more than one occasion, so I don’t want to judge those mothers, but I know it must have been hard to have to watch a child being treated inappropriately.

When I’m “that mom” I truly just wish people would look the other way.  Its like being caught in public with your slip showing… but without being able to do anything about it.  Sure, someone can say something to try to make it all better (best comment anyone ever said: “I remember those days!  Just remember their crying is always loudest to your ears.  I’m sure everyone else is too wrapped up in their own worlds to notice.”  I still wish I had hugged that person… even though I kinda doubt he was being totally honest.  I mean, we all know *everyone* is watching and passing silent judgement when your child is having an atomic fit in the cereal aisle, right?  So… that is why I honestly wish people would pretend like I didn’t exist during those moments.  Or at least please please please don’t use the moment as a chance to ask my why I don’t use a pacifier with my baby, didn’t leave my toddler at home with dad, and if my kids have been eating too much sugar. :s If in doubt, say nothing.  Nothing is far, far better than the wrong thing… and the wrong thing is SO easy to say.  Besides, when a mom actually IS concentrating on her screaming little ones, there’s nothing quite like being interrupted by a stranger who tears you attention away from the kids & causes a NEW outburst because they were just *almost* (but not quite!!) calmed down.  I say you did the RIGHT THING by saying not a word.  Whisper a prayer for the situation if in doubt next time!

I think you did the right thing. I would generally just give the parent a sympathetic smile, or maybe a helping hand (if they clearly were struggling with something—like the time my two toddlers were havings simultaneous tantrums and I was trying to drag them out of the store while holding a package! I’ll never forget the lovely older couple who grabbed a cart for me and told me it happened to everyone!).

And I can sympathize with the parents in these situations .... They may have been being oblivious, or they may have been ignoring less than desirable behavior. My almost 3yo is in a phase right now where he screams and cries over thing before ever even ASKING about them. “Why are you crying?” “I wanted that truck, and Matthew has it!” “Did you ASK if you could have a turn?” “No ...” After the 12th time, it can be hard to be patient with that!

I know that must have been hard.  I think there is a huge difference between a little one who is “just done shopping” and wants to get out of there, with a parent who is paying attention, and one who is practically being ignored or worse, screamed at for acting like a child! 

I am an “old mom” too, but I generally try to catch the Mom’s eye, or Grandma, or whomever, and say something that cheers them on, and sometimes, gets the little one to stop crying, because now a stranger is giving them attention, if just for a moment.
I might say, “Oh, my!  Isn’t it just so tough to see all of these toys/cookies/clothes etc. and not reach out and put them all in the cart?  Who/what is on your shirt?  What is your dolly’s/bear’s/dinosaur’s name?  Aren’t you such a big helper!  I bet Mom/Dad/Grandma is so happy to have your help!”  And then I smile at them both.  And walk away.
I have yet to have anyone tell me to back off, or quit interrupting their child’s tantrum, actually, usually the reverse!  They seem thankful, just as I am when my troops are out-of-sorts, and I just need a couple more minutes to finish shopping!

Prayers are welcome too, of course….

One of my kids has anxiety and sensory issues and was ALWAYS crying so I would avoid shopping with him but sometimes I had no choice but to take the kids.  I would make sure that they had something to distract them such as snacks or a toy they only got to play with going out.  Basically I placated them but when they had finally had enough and were starting to melt down we went home no matter what.  We might have just had canned soup for dinner that day or Aunt Sue might not have gotten her Christmas present on Christmas but I was not going to force my kids to be miserable as well as upset others around us.  But this is just me and everyone’s situation is different and what works in one family will not necessarily work in another.  For example all my shopping is close to home but if I had to drive long distances to get to shopping I might have had to put up with some melt downs to get the shopping done.  Or if my husband was in the military and never home to watch the kids while I shopped.  So I think the best thing to do is offer a helping hand if there is obviously a need but otherwise just ignore.

I don’t think there is any one thing you can do besides be kind.  Every situation is different.  Maybe a mom just needs you to help carry a bag to her car while she wrangles a screaming toddler (or two!).  Maybe she just needs a sympathetic smile.  Each case is different in how you can help.  But every case is the same in that no one needs judgement or dirty looks or unkind “advice”.  That never helps and only serves to make the mom feel more horrible about the experience.  My daughter is on the autism spectrum.  She has had her share of less that picture perfect moments in stores and there is nothing anyone could have done to help HER but I have been driven equally to tears of relief by the kindness of strangers and near rage but the judgmental behavior of others sometimes all in one trip.

I agree you did the right thing.  In terms of the grandma yelling, I witnessed that once and was frozen.  I couldn’t believe it was happening and couldn’t think of what to do.  But most likely someone like that would consider you to butting in. 

I would like to offer another thought about the kids that had “inattentive” moms.  Perhaps the situation had already been addressed and the toddler didn’t like the answer?  If my two-year-old is begging for something they can’t have, I am very likely to ignore them after giving them an answer once or twice.  That is what we would all do at home with a whiny child, that is what I would do at a store, too.  It could be helpful to make a positive comment about the child being a good helper, etc.  It is definitely helpful to make a comment in solidarity with the mom.  But I have had kids smile and make kind comments about my children when they were being completely disobedient and it isn’t helpful!

I had just parked at the big box when I heard a mother shout the F word into a vanload of four pre-schoolers. I prayed for her. Really, what can you say?

I bumped into her in the store, and she was snarling at a crying child. I prayed some more. I kissed my little people and told them I how much I love them.

I have been the grouchy mommy, for sure. I don’t use the language that woman used, but I have said many, many words that I regret.

When I had four children under four, I was often caught out with one of them crying, and I sometimes lost my temper, too.  When I see a parent mistreating a child I often wonder about that parent’s over all stress level—I know that mine back in those days was dangerously high.  Is this a one time tantrum from mom or dad, or is this child consistently getting verbally mistreated?  I say a quick prayer to the guardian angels, parent’s and child’s, asking them to bring some peace to that family relationship.  I know that my angel has helped me because often by the time I am back to the car I am much calmer, ready to apologize to the children humbly and move on.

Oh my goodness Lisa!  I was in that situation just yesterday & was wondering what the “right” thing to do would be.  I was at Walmart yesterday & a few seconds after I entered the store, a child could be heard screaming at the top of her little lungs for the ENTIRE 15 minutes I was there.  It was definitely an “I want it & I want it NOW!” type of screaming.  I had never heard anything like it before, because it went on so long and was SO loud.  I really felt badly for both parent/caretaker & child.  As I approached the check-out area, I spotted the mother who was making her purchase with the cashier.  At her side was an adorable & angry little preschooler, jumping up & down, tears streaming down her face, wailing away. The mom was totally ignoring the child (I’m not making a judgment, it is just what I observed at that time). It had gotten to the point that one couldn’t understand what she was yelling.  As I left the store, the mother was in the entry waiting, wearing a deadpan face, with a group of other mothers and preschoolers.  Our eyes caught & I simply gave her an empathetic smile.  In all honesty, I just wanted to give them both a great big hug!

I like Mary Alice’s advice to say a prayer for them!

Often when I see a child having a meltdown, I pray for the parent/caretaker for all to have patience and compassion.  Too many times I have been in this scenario and the tension/anger in my heart increases as time passes.  I would want others to pray for me (and the child) too.  Sometimes I talk to the child, but other times, I ignore them.  If the child continues to escalate, I try to address it.  Yesterday, at Costco, I was called an “ice cube mom”.  I don’t know what that means.  Was I being cold to my kids?  The comment was offensive, but it also stopped me in my tracks & made me look at how I was behaving or in this case….reacting with kids.  So…it can be a blessing.  Also, I pray (when I become aware that I am about to lose it) for compassion and patience.  I am grateful for others when they show an empathetic smile….but I could always benefit from the power of prayers and GOD’s wisdom.

I’ve been the “inattentive” mom, too.  There have been times when something *had* to be purchased and leaving the store was not an option.  In those situations, I just ignore the screaming and pretend that I don’t hear it so that the kid in question is at least not getting attention for their misbehavior.  At those times, though, although I look oblivious I am at heart stressed-out and desperate and mortified.

I would really caution anyone, though, who witnesses borderline-abusive treatment towards children from interfering.  Chances are pretty good that the moment you walk away the kid will be further punished for attracting your attention.

By the time most moms get to the checkout with an unruly child or two—especially ones who have been misbehaving through every isle—they have just about had it.  And they have probably already endured lots of well-meaning “advice.” 

I have never found comments to be at all helpful, mainly because a stranger has no perspective on my child.  Let’s let parents be parents.  Sure, they might make mistakes, but that’s all part of the process.  God gave these particular children to their parents, and they do know best.  Strangers will not know about extenuating circumstances concerning someone else’s child.

I think prayer is the only way to go.

I suggest you just pray for them. A lot of people who are already frazzled will snap at you if you interfere in any way because they are already feeling guilty.  So if you try to help you can end up making things worse.

I usually say a prayer for the Mom and child as I am so often the one who could use other people whispering a prayer for me in a store or in the back of Mass!

The toughest thing for me is not so much when my kids are having a melt down and I’m shopping, but when my toddler might be sitting really calmly in the shopping cart seat, not trying to climb, not screaming, what have you, and someone comes up to tell me how well behaved the kids are and proceeds into a 5 minutes conversation about it!  I know that sounds terrible, but inside I am screaming “Please stop talking to me!  For once we are in the grocery store and my kids are calm, I need to get this shopping done while they are still calm (or the baby is sleeping) and you are taking every precious moment!”
I have definitely been a mom who has said unpleasant words to her children in the minivan, looked like a mean monster just trying to get through to the check out (I think a mom who looks like she is ignoring the situation is really just trying with all of her might to keep her cool, etc.,).  But I’ve also been a mom who is extremely patient with a tired toddler or misbehaving child, when I could lose it.  It’s just that no one seems to notice you then;).  The older I get, the more I realize none of us are going to act perfectly and the best help is prayers and/or a sympathetic smile.  I’m just as bad as the next guy in my worst moments.  I can recall moments when a helping hand came just in time and I know that God has intervened to help keep a situation from going farther south.  But that’s more like a check out opens up suddenly.  I generally dread any approach from anyone when we are struggling to get through the shopping.

I have 4 young daughters. I also have a husband that works very long hours to provide for us….so, most days I have all my daughters with me for errands. I will never forget when we we all at the grocery line one day, checking out with 100+ items. The girls were being good, but anxious to get out of the store. I will never forget when the lady behind me and her teenage daughter helped me get all of the groceries out of my cart, onto the belt and then back into my cart. It was a huge help.I hope to teach my daughters random acts of kindness just like we experienced that day.