I’m not a teacher, but I think if you are the one at home, then you should put it away. He is still going to work everyday, not that you are not working at home but I don’t see any reason to just leave piles of clothes laying around until he gets home when you could have it done. Just my two cents.

Cindy, thanks for that reminder!  There are extra things I like to do in the summer.  LIKE clean my house from top to bottom, including closets!!!  I never get to do that during the school year.  And, I have been running around with extra appointments, and tutoring a couple of students also.  So, I am really still working.  There are also some other issues going on here, which I discussed with someone today.  Thanks for your input! : )

This is a stressful time for both of you! I bet he feels the stress of providing for everyone and doing it well…it’s normal and each man handles stress differently. Just pray for him. Once he sees the baby things will be good!

How your husband is acting sounds exactly like mine last year- when I was expecting baby #4 on Aug. 4th. I think the last month is the hardest, it is stressful. Second hardest is the first 2 weeks after baby is born. Get through that, and it should go smoother each day. I’ll pray for you and your family.

I have been through something similar with my dh at the end of pregnancy and during the birth of one of our babies.  I nearly uninvited him in the middle of the birth.  However, right at the end, he really came through and ultimately it was a very healing experience.

However, I will say I think we sometimes put too much pressure on our husbands to be our sole birth support, especially when they are already struggling with depression etc.  Have you considered having a secondary person at the birth?  I highly recommend having a doula present.  She is trained in labor support and many of them are very good at helping the dad find ways to be supportive.  This might be especially important with his current struggles, both for him and for you.  It isn’t too late to look up doulas in your area and see if any are a good match for you.  My husband really appreciated the addition of a doula to my birth last time and found much relief in being able to have breaks from supporting me plus the way her wisdom and suggestions helped me in my birth so that it was a better experience for me.

Otherwise, it might be wise to ask your mom to be there in addition to your husband (it doesn’t have to be instead of him!!!).  In many cultures throughout human history, birthing women have been surrounded by loved ones and especially their female family members.  It is only recently that we have complete or near strangers as the largest percentage of our birth attendants.  If you invite an additional support person to the birth, it takes *nothing* away from your husband nor your love for him.  In fact, it can be a very loving act towards him.  If you feel you need additional or backup support, give your marriage the gift of reaching out for it.  What I tend to see in the birth stories of many women is that whatever marital/relationship issues existed before the birth get magnified during the birth.  Yes, there are times of unexpected healing and that is something to definitely pray for.  But sometimes I don’t think it’s fair to put that kind of pressure on our husbands.  It may just be the holy spirit that is nudging you to invite your mother also.

I’m praying you have a safe, healing birth!!!

Dear “No Name”,

I wish I could offer you some advice but I can only offer my prayers. I am in the exact same situation right now. My last pregnancy got a little bit like this, the night I went into labor hubby and I got into a major fight. I lost a lot of trust in him that night and for some reason things haven’t been the same since (it’s been almost two years!). I so wish I could offer you a prescription for healing the situation, the best thing is to pray for dh and make an appt. for him to see his doctor…

Do not feel bad about what you’re feeling. I think a lot of wives feel this way once in a while. I’ve been struggling with a lot of feelings and issues with this pregnancy, and I feel very trapped because I can’t seem to talk to any of my catholic friends about it. My one friend did find out about some things (another friend told her I was experiencing the pregnancy blahs”) and she replied, cheerfully, “Are you taking your vitamins?? That always helped me!” with a big smile. I really honestly wanted to tell her something like, “Do you really think a vitamin would help? And yes, I’m taking about twice the amounts of vitamins, fish oil, B-12, calcium, etc. even though I probably shouldn’t be (too much vitamin A isn’t healthy! Anyways, I’m still so anti-life that I can’t even talk about the baby when people ask. I don’t want to be pregnant, didn’t want to get pregnant in the first place. It’s really a struggle with other women I know in my community ask me about the baby, they tied their tubes after #2 (even some Catholic moms I know), and I’m supposed to be positive and happy because I want to portray that being open to life is wonderful, right? If I don’t, they’ll just click their tongues and tell me that if I just did what everyone (they) is doing, I would be happier, like them of course.

Today has been a rougher day… my kids have been consistently talking back ALL day about chores, fighting, etc. and it’s not even noon yet. I’ve already gone over my limits physically with them and honestly most days I can’t stand being in the same room with them. Unfortunately I regret getting married in the first place, and never wanted to have children. I know God has a plan in all of this but for right now (at least for the last few years) I can’t see what the plan is. I just wish I had someone to talk too!!

Anyways, take are and I’ll pray for you today!

I think you are doing the right thing by putting your childrens’ needs first and not your extended family.  Are the you only one in your family with young children?  My husband and I were the first of our families to have children and we had to put up with a lot of crazy time schedules (ie Christmas Eve dinner at 8 pm, 1.5 hour drive from home!) until some of the younger siblings had families of their own and put the kabosh on it.  It is a special burden to be the pioneer, but you do have to be clear about your situation.  Try not to say “yes” to jobs because you want the admiration of others.  If your mother asks to you to something, say you can if she can watch the children while you do it.  Some people don’t even realize that they are placing a stressful burden on you until you tell them.

Having been in your shoes I can understand where you are coming from.  BUT….....Take a step back and put the shoe on the other foot.  At least in regards to the party.  Can’t you make a “nap time” in the middle of the afternoon when you are expected to be out later than 7pm?  Instill a mandatory quiet time on these days.  I certainly am not saying to stay out past 8:30 or so.  I completely understand your situation.  It was your niece’s party after all.  I never skip family parties (at least immediate family)  because it has caused a lot of resentment in my family when certain family members don’t show up on a consistent basis. 
    As far as the other problem, your Mom needs to understand that you have 4 kids who need you and one on the way. Tell your mother you are unable to do these things that she expects unless she can help out with babysitting.  It always helps to start these conversations out on positive note.  Can you thank your Mom for anything?  or say something like “oh Mom, the kids love spending time with you!”  Seems you are overwhelmed with quite a few things right now. Mom needs to be understanding.  YOu have to be quite upfront with her, without sounding condescending.  That can be difficult.  I’ll say a prayer for you today.

Mommy of 5 - I recommend you read “Boundaries” by Townshead.  It’s a great book dealing with the very situations you describe from a Christian perspective.

I also agree that it is right to put your children’s needs before your extended family’s demands.  I have 6 kids 10 and under.  When the majority of my kids were under 5 we also declined evening parties and visits unless I could get a sitter for the littlest ones.  It was very challenging with my MIL who insisted that Christmas Eve Dinner remain as it had for years at 8:00 pm.  I offered at least 7 other options and she declined them all, so to this day my MIL and her extended family all gets together on Christmas Eve without us.  There are no hard feelings - but it was a huge adjustment for everyone. I am the social center of my family, so they pretty much bend to my will   Protect your family & kids!  THey’ll only be little little for s short time.  Pretty soon they’ll be able to “run with the big dogs” and hang out at a party until 10 pm!

Just a more general reply. I think you have hit a huge milestone in understanding a major trigger that makes you short tempered w/ DH & kids - other people’s expectations. I had a similar epiphany lately in realizing I was putting unnecessary pressure on myself to get places on time or accomplish certain tasks that weren’t even things I wanted to do - but things I felt obligated to do. I would end up so tense and snappy with DH & kids. I did a few things - 1) crazy as this sounds I added 2 major things to my life - divine office & prepping for a triathlon - it helped take the edge off and when things start building and I think I am going to snap at a kid - I quickly try to diffuse myself. Obviously being pregnant - probably not to good an idea to kick off a huge exercise undertaking but maybe a short walk will help you clear your mind and let go of the stress these folks are putting on you. Remember you can talk with them about how they are adding pressure to your life but ultimately you only control yourself 2) Communication with DH. He helped me to identify triggers and when he sees me getting tense about something (like his parents coming over a few nights ago - he steps up to the plate and helps me realize I am stressing over nothing important). Maybe if conversations with the in-laws aren’t going smoothly he can step in and talk with them as well.

The only other thing I will mention - as a mom of 4 age 5 and under - is that I found flexibility with the kids schedules to be very helpful in my life. When we are home, I put them to sleep by 6:30-7 but I like that they are fairly adaptable kids and when we get a chance to hang out on the weekends or with friends - pending none of us are sick or exhausted from pregnancy - they stay up pretty late and seem to bounce back pretty easy. But different families - different things work! My thought though is that adaptability is a pretty important thing to teach your children - not that all of life should be full of chaos but not every second has to be planned out either! Good luck with the newest baby!

It’s called manipulation. I went through this with my husbands extened family. Then a therapist recommended Games People Play by Eric Berne, M.D. Take care of your Primary Family, love your extended family but remember your vocation is Marriage and the fruits of that are your children. It won’t change thier attitude but it will help you.