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Email a FriendPosted by Jennifer on Tuesday, Oct 25, 2011 1:11 PM (EDT):
I wouldn’t read too much into it. It sounds like the woman needing to vent a little. Complaining about other people’s children has nothing to do with you.
You're Great, They're Awful
How do you handle negative-positive attention?
Posted by Arwen Mosher in Family on Tuesday, October 25, 2011 1:00 PM
I step up to the cutting counter at the fabric store. My sister’s with me, but she’s grabbing some stuff while I corral our four big kids, aged two, three, five, and five.
The staffer unfolds the first of my bolts and the children are all over the place. I think Camilla’s about to grab the scissors and try to cut the fabric herself. “Everyone please put one hand on the cart,” I tell them, and they oblige. They’ve been warned that we’ll take them back to the car if they don’t behave, so they’re obeying pretty well.
We don’t expect them to stand (perfectly) still or be (exactly) quiet, and they chatter and bounce with energy, but they stay put. The lady cutting the fabric admires them. Or rather, she admires me. It’s a good moment when she compliments me on managing them so well. I smile and feel a quick fuzzy happiness.
But in the next few minutes the conversation heads steeply downhill as she recounts horror stories of parents mismanaging their children. As she tells it, I’m the first one ever to make her kids stand with their hands on the cart. (How can that be true?) Other children who enter the store apparently run wild, unchecked by any sort of discipline or parental common sense.
As she tells it, for instance, a small hellion once knocked his mother’s cart completely over and into a display of ceramic pots. I smile uncomfortably at this story, trying not to think about how easily that could have been one of my kids under different circumstances.
My fabric is cut not a second too soon. I’m relieved to walk away.
Rachel wrote last month that it’s good to give public encouragement to other parents, even to strangers. I wholeheartedly agree. And I think it’s fairly easy to accept that encouragement with a smile when it’s given in a positive way.
But when it’s negative, when someone wants to compliment me by tearing down others, I’m flummoxed. Days later I’m still not sure what I should have said to the lady at the fabric store. Should I have stood up for the other parents in question, tried to give a little lesson in compassion? Maybe something as simple as “I think we’re all trying our best,” would’ve sufficed.
I just hate to think another mother nearby whose children were being less cooperative that day might have overheard. Parents have a hard enough job without people standing by and judging their every move.
Have you ever been in a situation where you got negative-positive feedback? How did you handle it?
Comments
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Posted by Celeste on Tuesday, Oct 25, 2011 1:50 PM (EDT):
I’ve truthfully never heard anyone tell their kids to put one hand on the cart, and I think it’s a *wonderful way* to manage them indoors. The closest I came to that was to ask my child to hold onto the stroller when we were in a crosswalk.
I do think the clerk was venting about what she’s experienced in her workplace…but I would have been uncomfortable with it because I wouldn’t like her berating those others in front of my child(ren). I also don’t think that venting needs to happen with customers. It’s okay to vent with coworkers, privately. I think the business transaction needs to just proceed on its own.
I will say there is a larger trend going on that people seek a certain sort of therapy at work in that they have people who will listen to them. I think we’ve lost the idea of service…actually being a servant. I have this feeling whenever I see staff talking to each other instead of helping customers or doing their work tasks, as well as when they vent to captives like yourself during their service to you. It’s definitely behavior I want to discourage in my daughter as we teach her about a work ethic.
I’m sorry for your negative experience. I also think you are gifted and talented with your discipline techniques.
Posted by Heidi in NJ on Wednesday, Oct 26, 2011 8:32 AM (EDT):
My husband would always have the kids put their hands on our car while he was unloading the little ones. I thought it was a brilliant way to ensure that they didn’t run amuck into the parking lot, although they did resemble miniature “perps” with their hands up against a squad car. Oh well, at least we don’t frisk them (often). 
I think it was inappropriate what the sales clerk said. She could have complimented you. She could have mentioned that not everyone is as in control as you were (at that moment!) but it should have stopped there. You’re there to buy fabric, not to be sounding board for her frustrations. I don’t know if she is still of childbearing age, but if so, she’d better watch out. I have jokingly said to my sister that as soon as I have criticized another parent for something their kid did, one of mine will do the exact same thing - or even worse! Oops! lol
I tell my 3 year old he has to hold onto the fender or it might fall off and that would just be bad.
Posted by tuesy on Tuesday, Oct 25, 2011 2:03 PM (EDT):
I’ve always had my kids put one hand on the cart. Actually, now that they’re 8 and 10, i have to get them to stop because we end up taking up the whole aisle, but it is so ingrained in them! I also did the “one hand on the car” whenever we were in a parking lot and I was trying to get one out of a car seat after the other was already out.
I think I probably would have reacted like you and not really said anything. It’s true we’re all doing our best and no one knows how they’re kids are going to behave any given minute, but it sounds like she just needed to vent. It is awkward to get complimented to the detriment of someone else, though.
Posted by Beth on Tuesday, Oct 25, 2011 2:07 PM (EDT):
I think she was just sharing her own experience and wouldn’t read into it. I would have just acknowledged her feelings. Her request seems reasonable. Kids misbehave and sometimes parents don’t do anything about it. Young children are going to be young children but they need direction. Maybe parents should not bring them in the store if they can’t respect the property and they can’t watch them. It is my responsibility when I take my kids places. I personally avoided certain types of shopping when my kids were 4 and under because I could not keep my eye on them and we were not at the grocery store where I could keep them in the cute car cart.
I don’t see this as negative talk. It was the reality she deals with as a shop owner. I sympathize with parents but shopping for fabric is not something they need to do with young children. And if my kids broke anything or knocked it down I would repair it or pay for it.
Posted by RW on Wednesday, Oct 26, 2011 1:05 PM (EDT):
I agree—the children and parents she was probably referring to are those who allow their children to run wildly through the store, knocking over displays, play with the toys and then just drop them where ever they are when they are through playing with them, constantly threatening them with leaving the store if they don’t behave but are still there 30 minutes later still threatening them with leaving but never following through with any consequences. There is a big difference between those who try to keep the children close to them while shopping and those that let them run wildly and do nothing about it.
I’ve been on both ends of this, both the compliments and the stink-eye. I usually say something like, “Oh, that could just as easily have been my kids on a different day.” I think there’s a huge difference between parents letting their kids run free, and kids having a bad day, a day where they just can’t/won’t listen, a day where their arms and legs are too big for their bodies and they just can’t/won’t keep it together, but there are places to go and things to do, and sometimes I become the mom she was talking about.
Amen! I often laugh it off and offer something similar like “there are those days!” I know I’ve gotten both the praise and the looks at different times. I’ve probably doled both out at different times in my life too. Nowadays I try to remember that we not know another’s circumstances. Maybe the little one has an ear infection and hasn’t let we’ll in days, maybe dad travels for work (or is deployed) and the only option is to shop with kids in tow, maybe it’s just getting a little too close to nap time. Could be anything - perhaps this is just a reminder of how important patience for others and diligence in raising our children with age appropriate manners is in life.
Posted by Erin Stewart on Tuesday, Oct 25, 2011 6:48 PM (EDT):
This has happened to me several times, and I am always at a loss. Most recently, there was a cashier at Wal-Mart who was so intent on recounting a litany of the parenting missteps she had witnessed, that she stopped scanning and bagging my items for dramatic effect. Meanwhile, both of my newborn twins were wailing in their stroller—it was time to eat! I stared at her coldly and did not engage with her story. She was undeterred. Perhaps next time I will simply say, “There but for the grace of God, go I.”
Posted by Beth on Tuesday, Oct 25, 2011 8:41 PM (EDT):
I wanted to add that if I were in a situation with someone who was not a stranger I might respond differently (depending on the topic or persons to whom the negative comments are for). For instance, if my SAHM friends were being negative about working moms or my public school friends were being negative about homeschooling kids I would speak up. I would dialogue and help them not to paint everyone with such a broad brush.
Posted by Mason on Wednesday, Oct 26, 2011 2:13 PM (EDT):
I am so with you. Espcially because I am one of those mums, with the poorly behaved children. My eldest has ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) and my youingest just follows along, more interested in doing what his brother does than what his mother says. More than anything, when I am on the brink of tears, I need the support of my village, not their criticism. My response “Wow! That must have been so hard on the Mom. What did you do to help?”
Posted by zmom on Wednesday, Dec 21, 2011 12:23 PM (EDT):
As my wise grandmother used to say: “What a perfect world this would be if we could raise everyone else’s children!” Meaning—-its much easier to judge, correct, discipline, or set standards for other peoples kids without actually having the emotional connection or walking in their shoes. Just like we can all point out the weakness/faults of others much quicker than we can often view our own.
Her other frequently voiced phrase: “But for the grace of God go I” .... so I always try to remember that I don’t know the circumstances that may trigger the rude woman in the store in front of me or the short tempered man or the child running in circles or the endless whining in the seat next to me…..illness, family troubles, divorce, financial crisis….we don’t know what is happening to them. So I just pray that God will give them what they need.
I also loved Mason’s last comment—-the response: What did you do to help? Perfect. One we should all remember in our own daily lives.
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