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Email a FriendI have suffered secondary fertility for 5 years. I am part of a homeschooling group full of pregnant moms and moms with newborns. I have lost 10 children (one newborn, one 2nd trimester, and 8 more through miscarriage). I am grateful for the children I have but long for more. The hardest thing for me is that, among these Catholic moms, I have been surprised to see such insensitivity to my situation. I have prayed novenas and been told that my prayers must have gone towards another mom who announces her pregnancy. I have had the comment, “Just enjoy the ones you have.” I wouldn’t want another child so much if I didn’t enjoy the ones I have! My comment is, be sensitive about what you say to others moms. Do not brag about how easily you got pregnant or about how sick you are of morning sickness, aches and pains, fatigue, etc. There are those of us who would give anything to go through all of this to have a baby. And, plaease, don’t tell me that I haven’t said the “right” prayer or chose the “right” saint to pray to. I couldn’t have stormed Heaven any more than I already have. Much of the pain of infertility has to do with how others treat you because of it. It is a sadness and loss like no other I have ever experienced and it is with me every day of my life.
A Hidden Kind of Suffering
by Tony Rossi in Health on Tuesday, October 12, 2010 12:00 PM
“Infertility is one of the most painful things I have ever seen a couple or woman suffer with,” says Dr. Anne Mielnik, Director and co-founder of Gianna: The Catholic Healthcare Center for Women which opened less than a year ago in New York City. “For most of them, it is a hidden suffering.”
Dr. Mielnik is doing her best to heal that pain, but unlike many doctors, she’s doing it in a way that’s completely pro-life.
In vitro fertilization (IVF) has become the default method by which infertility is treated. Since it involves the creation and sometimes destruction of embryos, it’s morally incompatible with the fact that life begins at conception. That’s where Dr. Mielnik comes in, offering treatment through a relatively new method called NaPro which stands for Natural Procreative Technology.
On the Christopher Closeup radio show/podcast, Dr. Mielnik explained, “NaPro refers to a comprehensive approach to evaluating and treating a woman’s reproductive problems including those that lead to infertility, recurrent miscarriage, pregnancy problems, and other disorders. It then treats the woman in a way that doesn’t shut down her cycle or try to bypass the cycle … We use what originally developed as a natural family planning chart - a woman recording the signs of her fertility—as a diagnostic tool.”
Research has found that underlying causes of infertility can include subtle hormonal abnormalities that can be treated with medication and anatomical problems that can be repaired surgically. For instance, if the tubes through which the egg passes on its way to implanting in the womb are damaged, surgery can sometimes correct that problem and allow a couple to conceive through natural sexual intercourse.
The effectiveness of NaPro is impressive. The best study conducted involved 1,000 infertile couples of all ages except those afflicted with no sperm or irreparably blocked tubes. Dr. Mielnik reveals, “The success rate for couples who stayed in for up to two years of treatment was about 60 percent, which in infertility is sizable. Couples doing IVF have to go through an average of 5 to 6 rounds of IVF to expect a 60 percent success rate.”
The spiritual side of treatment is also a major concern to Dr. Mielnik. Raised Catholic, she experienced a deepening of her faith in college and medical school, especially after reading Pope John Paul II’s writings on the Theology of the Body. Working so intimately with patients has taught her to see the “profound beauty” in each person. It has also caused her to open her heart to them. She acknowledges, “When you work with people who are dealing with something that is very painful, you grow in compassion just from hearing their stories.”
As a result of her spiritual beliefs, Dr. Mielnik and her staff take 45 minutes to one hour with each couple every time they come into the Center. In addition to the medical testing, they talk with the couple, listen to their concerns and anxieties, and even help them navigate the difficulties infertility sometimes creates in a relationship. Though the Gianna Center is Catholic, Dr. Mielnik doesn’t force belief on anyone. However, if a woman mentions her faith, the doctor offers to pray with her which often creates a great sense of encouragement and hope.
Co-founding the Gianna Center is part of an ongoing mission for Dr. Mielnik. As the co-founder (along with Joan Nolan) of the John Paul II Center for Women, she wants to help women realize their dignity as children of God. Specifically, she wants to use it “as a springboard to build a national network of centers like the Gianna Center. It was essentially our flagship, trying to combine natural family planning education, theology of the body, and medical care that’s consistent with Catholic medical ethics.”
In addition to NaPro treatment and NFP education, the Gianna Center also offers routine gynecology, obstetrics, and prenatal care. Making people aware of this full range of services has become increasingly important since the facility lost its main source of funding when St. Vincent’s Hospital declared bankruptcy three months after the Center opened. Dr. Mielnik assumed ownership of the practice in order to ensure that Catholic healthcare remains available to women in New York City. They currently depend on donor support to keep the practice going while word gets out and patient volume grows.
Despite the hardships, Dr. Mielnik has faith that God will provide and wants to offer hope to infertile couples wherever they are in the United States. She says, “The second (couples) walk through the door of an infertility clinic or any doctor’s office, they’re going to be told ‘This is your only hope.’ The truth is we have a positive, effective alternative. The doctors are available. If they need a doctor in their area, they can give us a call. We’d be happy to try to connect them.”
—Tony Rossi is producer of The Christophers. You can listen to Dr. Mielnik’s full interview at the Christopher Closeup Podcast.
Resources:
To contact the Gianna Center, call 212-481-1219 or visit GiannaHealth.org.
Comments
Oh, Stephanie. My heart aches for you. Thank you for the reminder to be careful of what we say and to cherish the gift of fertility.
I remember once how the subject of pregnancy came up. I started blathering on about my non-stop sickness when a friend who had, unbenownst to me, been trying to get pregnant for a long time and had just been told she wouldn’t be able to have a baby, gently told me she’d give anything to hover over the toilet all day and every day if it meant she could carry a child. That moment really helped me to not only be careful of my complaints but also served as a reminder that the sacrificial parts of pregnancy are well worth the gift of new life. “This is my body and it has been given up for you, my dear beloved child….”
I once wrote an article about secondary fertility and the unique challenges it presents since moms often feel like they don’t fit in with with bigger families or women who have struggled with primary fertility and don’t have any children. Thank you for sharing your story. Please know I said a prayer for you today.
Hi Stephanie,
I have struggled with infertility and miscarriage for my entire adult life. My heart breaks for you because I know very well the pain of your heart. It is very hard for a couple/woman not walking in our shoes to understand or know the depth of our pain. I will pray for you and for all who carry this cross.
I am now in my mid 40’s and the mother of 2 adopted children. My husband and I are so grateful that we were open to God’s will for our lives and didn’t compromise our faith to concieve.
Thank you for your important work Dr Mielnik.
Alicia McDuffie
It is hard for us who have never had a miscarriage to understand what you are going through or to know what to say to someone who has. I can’t imagine how sad you must feel.
It is natural to focus on the pains of pregnancy (fatigue, morning sickness, etc.) and want to talk to someone about it. Although insensitive as these comments may sound, I’m sure the moms are not trying to be or realize that they are. Although to infertile couples, it may seem like nothing but blessings to see a family full of children but we all have our crosses and be sure to know that the parents of large families get their share of insensitive comments and hardships from society on a daily basis!
Young Mom - I agree that I will pray for you too, that you may never know the cross of secondary infertility. I hope that you pray about your reply here, and can see how hurtful it was. I’m someone who has been on both sides of this. I have four living children and have had six miscarriages, awaiting my seventh. I’ve sat in the church pew, with empty arms, and have been questioned about our being open to God’s plan for our family (did we use NFP or birth control? why were we not pregnant?) I’ve sat in doctor’s offices, turned away time and time again because no one is willing to find out what is causing me to miscarry because of how many children I already have. I’ve gotten the nasty comments from society, why would we possibly want more? And through all of this - the most hurtful of all is the rath and misunderstanding of the Catholic mom of many, the women who are supposed to be my friend and my support through all of this. I’d rather get beat up by society day after day for having a “large” family than be outcast by my fellow Catholics for being infertile. They move on and have their sixth, seventh, eighth child, and leave me behind because I don’t understand their new challenges. Through all of my losses, I’ve lost friends left and right because no one understands my grief, no one knows what to say, no one is willing to see me through the depression, and no one understands why we would possibly try again. Only one friend has stood by me and I cherish her like the most precious of diamonds.
Kudos to all young doctors who study Naprotechnology and stand by their morals to find a cure to the diseases that cause infertility. I only pray that with time, this medicine becomes more affordable to all of us.
I had the privilege of hearing Dr. Mielnik speak at our parish. What a wonderfully articulate, mature, reassuring and faithful woman and doctor! I only wish all women—Catholic or not—could hear her speak of the natural focus of NaPro. I also hope our individual parishes provide some relief/support for couples experiencing infertility—I know via the Gianna Center there is a monthly (or bi-monthly?) mass in Manhattan that focuses on infertile couples. A truly wonderful ministry.
My husband and I have also struggled with infertility - it took three years to conceive our daughter Bridget, and it has been two years of hoping and praying for our second child. It really is difficult at times, but it has brought us so much closer to God. I know this is the cross He chose for us, and we rejoice in our little miracle. Bridget was conceived with the help of NaPro - without it, I know she would not be here. For everyone out there waiting to be blessed with a child - you are in my daily prayers! The worst is when people make snide comments about how we aren’t Catholic enough because we have only one child, or they assume we use contraception. THAT hurts. I would suggest that people always give others the benefit of the doubt - my first thought when I encounter a couple who has no children or only one is that I pray that they don’t struggle with infertility. That is a pain I wouldn’t wish upon anyone!
How wonderful that NaPro technology is spreading! Infertility is so very, very hard to go through. I’ve had two miscarriages with one live baby girl in between, been diagnosed with an infertility problem and I’ve heard all sorts of things, too : “Be happy with what you have.” ” I know you want more kids, but you’re so worn out as it is. . . ” “Just think, if you had more children, you’d run out of space on your lap.” “There must have been something wrong. . . ” People don’t think. At Mass, people would give us looks and wonder why we didn’t have children yet. A year after our daughter was born and I wasn’t pregnant again we got more looks. One of the best things I’ve discovered about NaPro physicians, or Creighton model NFP teachers is that they actually care about getting to the root of the problem and they don’t treat you like it’s not a big deal. When I went in for diagnostic testing my doctor said that it used to be “three miscarriages and you can start to worry.” She went on to say “But why would you want to wait to have another loss before we find out? Let’s see what we can do so you don’t go through that again.” It was revolutionary: I had NEVER heard a medical professional speak like that, like what I was going through actually mattered. Three cheers for Dr. Mielnick!
Thank you for the beautiful responses to my comment. Young mom, I do know what it is like to receive those insensitive remarks from others about large families because I do have a large family already. I will take those comments and hardships of having a large family any day over the suffering of infertility. My infertility came after a good number of years of fertility and when it hit, it hit hard, beginning with the death of a newborn baby girl within hours of her birth. The hardest part is that my husband and children share in this suffering. Not only have they buried two siblings, they have mourned the loss of the additional 8 through my miscarriages. Being around so many homeschooling families that are expecting, I have found no good response to the questions of my children about “when will our prayers be answered?” or “do you think God will ever choose us again?” I loved hearing about little Bridget, your miracle baby, Lori. Though the NaPro method has not proved successful for us yet, I love hearing that it has been successful for so many and it brings joy to my heart imagining the moment when a woman who has suffered through the pain of fertility meets the child her heart has been longing for!
Stephanie, I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. You have a very heavy cross. I have unresolved primary infertility (Napro is wonderful, but it’s not a guaranteed cure for everyone), and suffered a couple of very painful losses. But I can’t imagine late-term or fullterm losses, or the pain of watching my child suffer these losses too. My heart goes out to you.
Stephanie,
I feel your pain- we have been through something very similar in the last year and a half. We have 6 children and now I have had three miscarriages. Sometimes have you ever wondered why you ever took having a baby so easily for granted? I know I do. After all, for the first 12 years of our marriage, we just had to try once and we got pregnant and nine months later, welcomed a new, healthy baby into the family. Now that I know more and have been through a lot more, I have a lot more sympathy with people going through primary or secondary infertility. It’s not something you can understand unless you’ve been there.
My first miscarriage was quite a surprise (at 6 weeks) and I just thought it was a fluke. We didn’t even tell anyone about it. Then when I got preganant nine months later, we were so hopeful. We had just told all the kids and they were ecstatic! Then about a week later, I miscarried. It was one of the hardest things we have been through. The kids were devastated!
I just miscarried last week again after finding out at 8 weeks (2 weeks ago) that there was no embryo developing- blighted ovum, I think is the technical term. I was once again devastated, although I kept reminding myself that the same thing could happen because I had a feeling it would. We told the kids, but after we knew what was going to happen. Sometimes I think it is better to shield them from some of the pain because they really won’t understand. It’s hard enough for me to deal with. I’m not sure how to explain it to them except to try and explain that God thinks our family is awesome just the way it is. I don’t want them to ever feel like they are “not enough” to make us happy.
Anyway, I am not sure what to do. I have this underlying feeling that my babies are ok but there is something going on with my body that is keeping them from developing….but where do you go to figure it out? Most doctors think we’re a bit crazy. I was hopeful to read this article- maybe I can find a clinic near here associated with the Napro technology. I would like to do a little research to see if we can figure out the reason why I keep miscarrying. Only time will tell.
God bless you and may God help you through your suffering!
I also struggled with infertility for two years before welcoming four babies. Naprotechnology is amazing! I have said so many prayers for all of you who are suffering. People may thing I’m crazy, but I’m hoping to welcome more babies as soon as my cycle returns (I have a one-month old). I will never take the precious gift of life for granted and I know that God is in control. Again, my thoughts and prayers are with you!
“I will never take the precious gift of life for granted and I know that God is in control.”
right on, anothe mom. This is the main point of nfp- it’s out of our hands. Easier said than done. Oh, and give young mom a break. Even though it may sound insensitive and doesn’t help suffering, she is right.
That is not the main point of NFP. That makes it sound as if there is no method to NFP, just God in control of fertility. So why would we use NFP, then? And why would there even be a NaPro technology? NaPro utilizes NFP to help couples identify the markers of their fertility and infertility. God gave us NFP so that we could cooperate with Him in deciding if we can be open to life each month or if we have legitimate, compelling reasons to try to postpone a pregnancy. Of course God always, ultimately has the final say. I don’t think “young mom” meant to be hurtful. I just think she is in a different stage of her fertility and hopefully will never be in the shoes of an infertile person. But Suzy, your post was so eloquent in describing exactly what our family is going through too and I know exactly what you mean about friends standing by through the depression. It is hard to find doctors out there who will continue to work on finding the cause of secondary infertility because, you are right, most say “why would you want more?” if you already have 2 or 3. But keep looking for another doctor who understands or keep demanding more answers from the one you have. My doctors keep looking and persist in checking different things. I have seen a specialist who found that I have developed thyroid antibodies so I now give myself daily shots of blood thinner. Also, through the help of NaPro technology, it was discovered that I needed progesterone supplements at the end of my cycles. So I am a human pin cushion but it is a small sacrifice to bring a life into the world! Even if you can’t find a NaPro doctor locally, you can contact these NaPro centers and they will analyze your NFP charts for a very reasonable fee and let you know if they see patterns that suggest infertility and suggest ways to correct problems. God bless all of you for your wonderful, insightful responses!
I don’t think Young Mom meant to be hurtful either. And I know that large families have their share of crosses and receive rude comments. But, on this blog and on many other Catholic forums there are ample articles, posts, etc about the issues facing large families. The articles about infertility are far fewer. I think the forums about infertility should stick to the crosses of infertility.
I’m 22 years old and a newlywed and I’ve been having hot flashes since I was 16 years old. I’ve seen secular doctors who just wrote me off and told me I was in early menopause and put me on the pill. Finally, I’ve found a NaPro doctor (an hour away, but totally worth it) who is actually trying to find out what’s wrong with me and is trying to see if my husband and I can conceive. Thank You, Jesus, for NaPro doctors!
I often wonder why women don’t talk more openly about their infertility. My friend suffered for years with infertility and it wasn’t until after she had twins, did she open up to us (college friends) about all the years of frustration and disappointment. Granted, there was not much that we could do for her, but we could have prayed for her. Instead, she avoided us and it was very awkward for years.
Susan,
Many people don’t talk openly about infertility because to do so can bring well-intentioned but hurtful comments that just pour salt in the wound. Also, it often involves deeply personal and private details. Many who deal with infertility also feel guilt if they have done things in the past that others will insinuate may have led to the difficulty bearing children. Believe me, the interrogating and second guessing we do to ourselves is more than enough, we don’t need others jumping in too.
Even for those who do speak more openly, as I did and continue to do, it can get tiring to always presume the best intentions of others.
In my case it was pain combined with a supreme feeling of failure. My husband and I tried from our honeymoon and month after month nothing happened. Friends who started trying were getting pregnant on their first go. I kept wondering what I had done wrong, why didn’t God think I was worth a baby. Many of our friends were having second children while we were struggling to have one. Then I began to get pregnant. And miscarry. People made comments like, “well that baby had something wrong with it, so it’s better you didn’t have it.” Those babies had nothing wrong with them. I had an anatomical anomaly causing me to miscarry, but even if they had been disabled or otherwise, they were our children that we loved and wanted.
On top of all that, I had been raised not to complain, to offer up my suffering, which is what we all are. So, I felt like I was burdening friends and family if I talked about why we were not pregnant or having so many miscarriages. And some people flat out told us, they didn’t want to hear about our struggles, because it diminished their happiness. I also was told I was being selfish, wanting what I couldn’t have.
I found a wonderful doctor who hugged me and cried through my most devastating miscarriage and found the cause. All she did was a simple ultrasound that showed I had a septated uterus. She found me the best doctors in our area to perform the surgery I needed and wrote me notes every month afterward that I wasn’t pregnant to tell me not to stop trying, God had a plan. I now have 3 children who are healthy and am using NFP to space out a pregnancy because for me, pregnancy is a medical condition due to two very serious blood clotting issues I have along with complications from my last child’s birth.
How often I would have loved to have more people praying for us, but my own fears, and confirmation of them held me back.
And for those who would like to know “what to say” to a woman going through miscarriage and infertility, the best things you can do is listen to her grief, and offer your prayers.
You are right Stephanie. I did not mean to be hurtful and perhaps everyone was focusing on my last line instead of everything else that I had said. I was only trying to give perspective from the other side. Those who have talked or complained about their pregnancy or baby or lack of sleep not knowing the pain that the other person is feeling. I think some of those comments that people have given you are horrible and I cannot imagine how they must have made you feel and I can’t imagine what they were thinking when they said some of them. I was definitely not referring to that.
I’ve had infertile friends who would not even look at my baby because it is too painful and others who embraced my baby because they love babies. It is difficult to know how someone else is coping or dealing as everyone is different and it especially hard if you have never been through infertility or a miscarriage. I do find it very difficult to stay close to the friend who won’t look at my child so I can understand how some friends may have backed away. A one-way friendship is really hard to keep up. It’s also hard when you are pregnant and want to celebrate the joy of a new life (or talk about the suffering you are feeling) but you are not permitted to for fear of offending someone. It shouldn’t be that way should it?
I am pregnant right now, feeling queasy and exhausted while homeschooling several small children with a husband who is rarely home before they are in bed. I am grateful for all of my children and I know it will get easier as they get older. I was not trying to say that my cross was worse than yours as it clearly is not- I was just pointing out that there are crosses with high fertility as well and it’s important not to shut down the feelings of pregnant moms as being insignificant.
I apologize for coming across rude or insensitive in my previous comment. It was definitely not my intent. My prayers are with you all.
Bravo, Faith & Family, for posting another article about infertility AND reporting on such a great doctor. The word about NaPro needs to get out there; so many women enduring infertility encounter IVF and a couple of other morally questionable options as their “only hope.” NaPro investigates the problem. After 3 years of infertility, I’m finally pregnant. So many people have asked if it was because I “relaxed.” I’ll always explain that I had real medical problems that neede to be resolved.
Infertility has taught me many things, but probably the biggest lesson is that each child is truly a gift, no matter if you have 1 or 12, adopted or biological. This little miracle that I now carry has really opened my eyes to the preciousness of each child.
I too, have gotten negative comments from moms of larger families about why I didn’t have kids yet. Once I explained the plight (after a while, I personally was OK with talking about IF) they usually backed off. Then I asked for their children to pray for me too. 
Gotta love the little prayer warriors.
My heart and prayers are still with my IF sisters in Christ…Please know I’m praying and cheering for you all the way!
I’m a menopausal woman, 6 kids, 6+ miscarriages (including my first pregnancy), and what I see in these comments is a magnificent opportunity to serve each other by offering up our pains for those with the opposite problem. If every retching pregnant woman prayed for her infertile sisters, and every crying woman who isn’t pregnant again this month prayed for those in physical misery from pregnancy, what an increase of love and compassion there would be!
Stephanie- I have friends in my homeschool group that don’t go to park day because they have only one or two kids- not to mention married women that don’t have even one child. It isn’t fair what you are going through, but women who are able to procreate well shouldn’t make you feel bad.
Believe it or not- there is another side to this coin- women having more children than they feel they can handle but their husbands will not practice NFP to space. God cannot be outdone in generosity- but there are sooo many issues- we should be compassionate to each other and only discuss these super-personal topics with close friends
Salome- so true! Let’s not forget to offer up our sufferings for the good of others!
We women will never be perfect. I have 4 kids with a large space between #2 and #3 because of a twenty week miscarriage and severe health problems after that. But according to the world- I have 3 or 4 too many kids- and according to the (lovely and faithful) women in the homeschool group- I have 3 or 4 too little children. I don’t like to discuss the medical procedures (after conception) that I went through every day to keep and deliver #3 and #4- I don’t like to defend myself by describing how sick I got and the 5 weeks that #4 spent in intensive care (she was healthy- just small- thank God!)...we all have issues….we should all be compassionate…
Maybe this is really weird- but for those women suffering secondary fertility….Our Mother Mary is your strength! She had only one child in a society where big families were the norm. I bet she was looked down upon be people who didn’t know her but thought they did.
As someone was has experienced secondary infertility before conceiving my 2nd child and a suprise pregnancy with baby #3, I think we must remember that it is not our place to judge the crosses others bear or compare them against our own. Motherhood and managing fertility can be challenging in different ways for each of us, so let’s be respectful of each other and encourage/lift each other up in prayer!
Normally I agree that it is not a good idea to compare crosses. However, in this case I think pretty much everyone can agree that if given the choice between the challenges of a large family vs the inability to ever become a mother, most would choose the challenges of a large family. I admire mothers of large families and doubt that I could gracefully handle the challenges as well as they do. And I think it’s awful that they get rude comments from others in society. However, on this blog, as in most Catholic forums, there are ample articles and outlets for moms with large families. The articles on infertility are much fewer. So it would really be nice if a forum for infertility didn’t include reminders about how hard it is to have lots of kids.
Like the original author said, we all bear different crosses and without knowing the depths of each other’s hearts, there is no need to exclude anyone or assume what they desire in life. Let’s charitably offer our different perspectives, learn from each other, and SUPPORT one another in prayer! We never know how God will change our circumstances, so it never hurts to hear others out even if we disagree. Only the Lord knows when or if the story of their experiences might help us later in life. While I hear lots of pain in your post, this is an open article not a private forum. Perhaps it could be your ministry to create a private forum for those suffering from infertility. Praying for you.
Claire just said that in a world of fertility glorification it would be nice to be able to talk a bit about struggles with infertility without being reminded that the grass we fear we’ll never even touch (parenthood) is not always purely and beautifully green. Being told to pack up and take our thoughts elsewhere is hardly charitable. She’s only asking for one tiny fraction of the site to be a haven from having to guard one’s thoughts and words on such a painful subject.
I didn’t say it was a private forum. I just said that there is plenty of focus on this blog and on most other Catholic sites given to large families, and proportionally a lot less given to those who struggle from infertility. And I really don’t disagree with anyone. I acknowledge that there are crosses to bear with large families. I do find it helpful to learn about crosses that are different from mine, which is why I read many other articles on this site that have nothing to do with infertility and often are about families with very different lifestyles than mine. I feel that I can learn a lot from those people even though we share very different issues (that’s also why I watch the Duggars). But it’s disappointing that on one of the few occasions when there’s an article about infertility, those with large families feel the need to use that forum to shift the focus to their crosses. It would be different if infertility got “equal time”, but it doesn’t. Don’t get me wrong, it’s understandable that infertility wouldn’t be a frequent topic on a blog whose primary purpose is to support moms (most of whom are fertile, or have at least been able to manage their fertility to a certain extent, which is why they’re moms). And I’m grateful to the bloggers here who have made sincere efforts to bring the issue of infertility to light. But it would be really nice if once in a while the focus could remain on infertility, given that there are so many more articles that focus on other types of crosses.
I never asked her to take her struggles elsewhere. I just pointed out that this is a public article and you cannot stop others from posting their opinions just because you don’t like their focus. I simply suggested that she might have a great means for a new ministry that could help others in a similar situation. I’m sorry you assumed I was uncharitable.
I know I can’t stop anyone, and I don’t dislike their focus. I was suggesting that it would be nice if the focus could stay on infertility once in a while, since the other crosses/issues get a voice much more frequently. I didn’t interpret your suggestion to be uncharitable. I have tried to start infertility ministries in my diocese, and every attempt I’ve made has been dismissed. I think this is because I live in a very liberal diocese, and my desire for an infertility support group that adheres to Church teaching (for example, teaching against IVF) was not well received. When I was actively trying to conceive, I did belong to an online infertility group which was very helpful. Now that I am a mother (through adoption), that group is not a place where I can voice the struggles of mothers who still experience residual infertility issues. I belong to an online adoption group and mothers after infertility group, but unfortunately those groups aren’t very active. Again, I am thankful when the issue gets some press time on this site.
Claire- you are right that infertility (primary and secondary) doesn’t get a lot of attention on Catholic forums
Texas Mom- I do think you have a goof idea for SOMEONE struggling with infertility to start a blog or ministry- I have a friend married for years who hasn’t been able to get pregnant- she doesn’t have a Na Pro doc near her, so she is going to a ‘normal’ fertility doc and has told him how far the Church (and natural law) will let her go- she is made to feel like a freak by the ‘normal’ fertility community. And yes, maybe if she would go against Church teaching, she would have a baby right now. She is my hero for being faithful during such a difficult time.
GOOD not ‘goof’- someday I’ll read my posts before I submit!
Your friend is very lucky to have you, priest’s wife.
Maureen, thank you for your support.
Salome Ellen, good point about offering up our suffering for those with different crosses. I try to remember to offer up my suffering for those who are considering abortion.
“But it’s disappointing that on one of the few occasions when there’s an article about infertility, those with large families feel the need to use that forum to shift the focus to their crosses.”
I’d just like to point out that those with large families were not the ones to bring up their crosses. The crosses were mentioned by a woman suffering IF who found it difficult to hear friends complain of the aches and pains and exhaustion of pregnancy and motherhood. After that, there was just a minor defense of mentioning aches and pains and exhaustion of motherhood…which is certainly not shifting the focus.
In addition to a defense of mentioning the aches and pains of pregnancy, there were also comments made about the crosses of large families and the rude comments that they receive from others. Both are valid, but they are shifting the focus from the cross of infertility to the crosses associated with motherhood.
Wow! I can’t believe how many comments have been made since I wrote the first post. This was my first time ever posting on a blog and I did it because the subject matter is so personal to me. Of course, my first mistake was that when the form asked for my name I put both my first and last name. No anonymity for me! Live and learn on that one I guess:) When I made my post I did it assuming that I would be sharing my feelings with others who are going through similar suffering. I don’t have anyone in my life other than my husband who “gets” what I and my family are going through. I have a large family already and am dealing with secondary fertility, coupled with the pain and grief of losing a newborn daughter, a son at 20 weeks, and 8 other unborn children. (I am really looking forward to my family reunion in Heaven!) I understand that large families have difficulties and that moms with big broods need outlets to share those difficulties and joys. But in that phase of my life it was always easy to find other moms in my shoes (especially in a homeschooling group). Infertility isn’t a subject that naturally comes up on the playground or in church groups or activities. Many of the sufferers just bear their grief in silence. I have felt so less alone reading some of the heartfelt responses that have been posted here. That is what I was looking for and that is what I received and I thank you women for that. When I go to Adoration each month, I always pray for a list of friends and acquaintances who are wishing and praying for children. I always pray for new moms and expecting moms too. So now I have a lot more names to add to my list as I pray for all of you. I am grateful that so many women were willing to share their feelings on such a personal and emotional issue.
I too applaud Faith and Family for posting another article about infertility. Almost 2 years ago I was searching for some support in my own struggle with miscarriage and now infertility and was blessed to find a wonderful community of supportive and solid Catholic women going through some of the same things. I learned about Napro from them and have been blessed to find some Napro doctors in my own area. We encourage each other via blogs and are there to laugh / cry / rejoice when someone does get pregnant or adopts and to cry / hold up those for the times when the womb continues to remain empty or an adoption falls through. Most importantly, I have appreciated the prayers. If you are interested in checking some of the blogs out - here are some of my favorites http://allisonbaskin.blogspot.com, http://trustfulsurrender2divineprovidence.blogspot.com, http://sewinfertile.blogspot.com (currently pregnant, but went through 4+ years of infertility and one miscarriage). All of us have many other blogs listed in our blogroll of Catholic women that can identify with many of the same feelings here. I am not trying to promote a certain blog for any other reason than it has brought me renewed hope and joy and if anyone else can benefit from that, I wanted to pass it on. God Bless you and I have been enjoying reading all the comments above.
I do hope some of you lovely and caring ladies consider starting blogs. Infertility truly, truly hurts, and I can’t believe how many people out there are totally ignorant about it and about the emotional burden a couple trying to conceive must bear. We do need to get the word out there - about NaPro, about ways to cope, and about what NOT to say to a couple suffering the cross of infertility.
I would start a blog, but I don’t really have time at this stage of my life. (Perhaps later…but we need this info to get out there soon…)
Thanks for your perspective. I have a relative who married late (around age 40) and tried repeatedly to concieve but ended up with only repeated miscarriages to show for her efforts. It got to the point where she could not stand to go to Masses that included baptisms or first Communions because they reminded her of what she was missing by not having children.
My problem is a bit different. I have one child, and my husband and I originally intended to have more. However, after she was diagnosed as autistic my husband decided we should not have any more children. I prayed for years that he would change his mind, but he never did. Now that I am well into my 40s it is too late to do anything about it. So while I was not infertile I was still denied the chance to have more children because my husband did not agree with me. That is quite painful in many other ways which I won’t get into here but you get my drift. It takes two to tango, and there may very well be a lot of good, faithful Catholic women who are in the same boat.
Fortunately I have never run into anyone in the Catholic “trad” or homeschool communities (we did homeschool for a few years) who criticized or questioned us about having only one child, but, I still felt like less of a Catholic because I did—even more so because it wasn’t really infertility that was the problem.
Marie, your situation sounds very painful. I’m glad that you haven’t been criticized in your community. It is so hard when husbands and wives aren’t on the same page. For example, I was very blessed that my husband felt called to adoption. I know many infertile women who would like to adopt, but their husbands don’t want to. Also, I can relate to how your friend feels about going to Mass. Before we adopted my son, it was excrutiating for me to go to Masses when there was a Baptism. At Mother’s Day Mass it was very hard to sit through the homily about mothers and then the blessing for mothers. Even now that I am a mother, I don’t stand for the blessing because I remember how painful it used to be for me, and I don’t want to be a source of pain for someone else.
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