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Bringing Up 'Geeks' in College

by Elizabeth Foss in Family on Wednesday, September 02, 2009 6:00 AM

Marybeth Hicks is the author of Bringing Up Geeks: How to Protect Your Kid’s Childhood in a Grow-Up-Too-Fast World. I had an opportunity recently to talk with her recently about how to be a good parent to college-aged young adults.

“GEEK” is Marybeth’s acronym for Genuine, Enthusiastic, Empowered, Kids. Her book is crammed full of good advice for raising a child who is in the world but not of the world. She offers a treasure trove of practical wisdom, particularly for parents of ‘tweens and teens. It’s a book well worth owning and I’ve read it two years in a row now, just before the school year begins. I wondered though, how do Hicks’ 10 principles of parenting stand up when it’s time for a child to leave the nest? She was gracious enough to talk with me a bit about GEEKs in college.

Raise a Brainiac

If you’ve succeeded in raising an intellectually engaged child who is curious and eager to learn (a brainiac), he’ll take that to college with him. Once he’s there, a parent’s job is to continue to promote curiosity and a love of learning as opposed to competitiveness and good grades.

In high school, that devotion to academics bought opportunities. In college, kids tend to get anxious about grades. Parents need to remind them to enjoy the classes and relish the gift of having four years to learn new things and develop passions. Be on guard against letting the college experience itself be completely overshadowed by the quest for grad school or a job.

Hicks advises, “Encourage them to stay in the here and now. Talk to them about their classes and engage in the conversation about what they are learning. They need to focus on big ideas. A job will follow.”

Raise a Sheltered Kid

After years of conscientiously manipulating a child’s environment to protect innocence, dropping a young adult off at most colleges really is like depositing them into the dump of the culture.

“Recognize that they’re going to be exposed to a whole lot of stuff you wouldn’t want them watching or listening to. They can’t avoid it. Encourage them to be discriminating on their own,” say Hicks.

College students should explore healthy interests they cultivated as youngsters at a more adult level. College campuses are full of opportunity; first you must navigate through the muck to see it. From afar, parents can continue to fight the culture war in simple ways. Hicks suggests sending gifts of music through iTunes. Send actual music, not just a card so that you are broadening their musical horizons and countering the rap playing in the dorm next door. A gift of classical guitar for finals week becomes a study aid and a surprise in an e-mail box that expands media horizons beyond the pop culture in which they are immersed.

As children reach adulthood, it’s more important than ever to hold ourselves to a standard above the common culture. Watch what you are watching and hearing. When it comes to media especially parents can’t be hypocritical at all. Stay informed about what’s out there in the media and use your young adult’s exposure to media as touchpoints for conversation. This is not the time to be shy or stay silent. Talk about it and keep talking!

Raise an Uncommon Kid

In childhood, the uncommon kid is the kid who can buck the trends and the herd mentality of the ‘tweens and teens. By the time a “geeky” kid gets to college, their uncommonness is pretty cool. Some of the trendiness falls away in college and they aren’t as worried about being pack rats any more. Uncommonness is generally encouraged on college campuses with one exception: the kid who chooses not to drink alcohol.

“In college,” Hicks reminds us, “conformity looks like drinking until you throw up. The pressure to drink is almost unbearable.”

Look into an alcohol-free dorm option. Help the college student brainstorm about places she can go to find other people who are similarly minded about these issues.

“Find kids involved in activities devoted to healthy bodies,” Hicks advises. “Start with the premise of respecting health.” Frequently, intramural sports and athletic clubs are havens against alcohol abuse because those are kids who are concerned about health and fitness. The campus ministry community is another safe haven.

Be clear in your expectations of your child: If you’re paying for it, you have a right to expect certain behaviors within the parameters of your family’s values. Be frank and direct about behaviors you might see right when they emerge.

And, Marybeth Hicks warns with a steady gravity, “We are very blunt about this: The vast majority of girls who lose their virginity do it under the influence of alcohol-induced impulsiveness.” That needs to be said in so many words and it’s up to parents to say it.

—Elizabeth Foss is author of Real Learning: Education in the Heart of the Home and she blogs at Ebeth.typepad.com. Look for more wisdom and inspiration from her interview with Marybeth Hicks in coming weeks.

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