Comments, Conflict and Criticism
by Danielle Bean in News on Tuesday, August 03, 2010 6:00 AM
When we launched this website two years ago, I had simple, but lofty, goals.
“Family life is hard work, and those of us who strive to live Catholic family lives can face unique challenges,” I wrote. “As we help each other along the way, we hope that our blog will affirm something that is already written on every mother’s heart: That motherhood is a privilege. That family life is a joy. And that though being a wife and mother is likely to be the single most challenging thing any of us ever do, it is also likely to be the single most important thing any of us ever do as well.”
And I wanted our readers to be a part of that affirmation—for themselves and for one another:
“We invite you to pray, laugh, cry, and share the good and the bad right along with us. We hope that you will join us as we work toward building a Christ-centered community where we can encourage and support one another in the joyful, challenging, important work of Catholic living.”
And you know what? I think we got there. When we began our daily Coffee Talks on various topics, I admit I was a little nervous. “Discussions” even on Catholic blogs—and sometimes especially on Catholic blogs—have a way of getting out of hand.
But then our readers surprised me—with their thoughtfulness, charity, encouragement, and genuine concern for one another. Just this weekend, I noticed a perfect example of that kind of caring community in the Homemaking Coffee Talk thread, where a reader reached out with an anxious question about the virtue of her spending habits and then reader after reader responded to her with wisdom, understanding, honesty, thoughtfulness, and LOVE.
That’s what I want us to be.
But we haven’t always been that kind of community. In recent months, many people have noted a change in the tone of the comments here. Rachel addressed it in this post a few weeks ago, but I think it needs to be further addressed.
Because when commenters say,
“The negativity and “one-upmanship” that often occurs has discouraged me from sharing this site with friends who would benefit from the community but would struggle with getting past the joylessness of fellow users. It’s so disappointing; it must be doubly so for those who compose posts for the site and are subject to personal attacks. How is this building up the church?”
and
“I have been rather hesitant to recommend this blog recently because of the negative tone of the comments. Certainly not because of the contributors.”
That is a big red flag for me.
And when my bloggers tell me things like,
“I want to be a witness, but I feel like that’s not possible on F&F anymore ... I can’t authentically portray myself as having all the answers, spiritually, but portraying myself the way I really am (seriously flawed) seems to work as an opportunity for others to reinforce to themselves how much better *they* are, instead of serving as encouragement in any meaningful way.”
and
“When I write for F&F, I find myself weighing every word, searching as I edit for phrases that might indicate a chink in my armor. I can’t display chinks on F&F anymore, unless I want to risk them going in for the kill.”
That is another big red flag for me.
Ladies, some of us have lost our way. And we are in danger of losing the encouraging, supportive community that Faith & Family has been and still can be.
I want to thank those of our readers who have been active participants on the blog and who helped shape this site into a supportive community of like-minded women. I want to ensure that all of that work and progress is not lost because of a vocal and negative few.
Painfully Personal
Much of what the bloggers share here is personal. That’s the nature of what we do. We share stories from our families, pictures of our kids, and real events from our lives. We share these things as a means of support, entertainment, and encouragement, as we know many of you are living out very similar lives in your own way. We’d like for this kind of sharing to be an uplifting and encouraging way to help all of us see the good in our family lives—what’s fun, what’s funny, what’s challenging, what’s good and holy.
But I think sometimes readers forget that this kind of personal sharing leaves a writer vulnerable. It’s one thing to disagree about politics, as people frequently do on other kinds of blogs. When someone writes, “You’re an idiot. I can’t believe you voted for that guy. I voted for the other guy and here’s why anyone with a brain would do the same ...” it might be rude and aggressive, but it’s not truly personal.
When a blogger shares details about her home, her family, her marriage, or her motherhood, however, it is personal. Deeply and vulnerably personal. Even subtle criticisms with regard to a person’s character, parenting skills, wardrobe, spirituality or family life wound a mother’s heart precisely where she is most vulnerable and insecure.
We cannot allow that to happen here.
As a result, we are going to be taking some simple measures here to “re-claim” Faith & Family Live for its original purposes, and I hope that every one of you will help us do it.
1. Anonymity
I think there is a place for anonymous commenting online. I recognize the value of being able to leave anonymous comments or questions in our daily Coffee Talk discussions, for example, where commenters frequently discuss sensitive topics and share personal problems. These are important conversations for Catholic women to have with one another and we are happy to continue to allow anonymous commenting in these kinds of discussions.
In other cases, though, when you choose to leave a critical or contentious comment here, we are going to ask that you attach your name to what you say. In the comment form, please fill in your name (first name is fine) and a working email address (that will not be published). Failure to do so will risk having your comment deleted for no other reason than failure to comply with this policy.
2. No Comment
The bloggers here will be free to close comments on their own posts at their own discretion. Having closed comments on some posts does not mean that people are not free to disagree or have their own opinions here. There is plenty of room for that—the daily Coffee Talk posts, for example, will always remain open to comments.
Neither does having closed comments mean that any of us blogging here think we have it “all figured out” or that our point of view is the only valid one. Instead, closed comments will mean, “I am sharing something personal and am not prepared to have it dissected online” or “I need some time to find my voice and can’t be worried about phrasing everything just-so in order to avoid critique right now.”
3. Please Ignore
Sometimes the worst part of negative comments is the fact that those who respond to them “feed” the negativity, call attention to it, and prolong an unpleasant and unproductive conversation. I want to encourage everyone who ever happens upon negative comments here to give them the wisest and most charitable response possible—by ignoring them. Make your own positive comment if you like, and then let that speak for itself. Directly addressing the negativity seems to spiral downward rather quickly.
4. Let’s Pray.
Only God can give us grace to make Faith & Family Live the community of support we are seeking, so as a community, let us turn to Him for help in this task.
Beginning today, the other bloggers and I will be praying a novena (9 days of prayer) to St. Isidore of Seville, patron saint of the internet. I will post daily reminders here on the blog, and it is our hope that you will join us in prayer:
Saint Isidore of Seville
Almighty and eternal God,
who created us in Thy image
and bade us to seek after
all that is good, true and beautiful,
especially in the Divine Person
of Thy only-begotten Son,
our Lord Jesus Christ,
grant we beseech Thee that,
through the intercession of Saint Isidore,
bishop and doctor,
during our journeys through the internet
we will direct our hands and eyes
only to that which is pleasing to Thee
and treat with charity and patience
all those souls whom we encounter.
Through Christ our Lord,
Amen.
Together, let us invite God to guide our conversations here. Let us ask Him to touch the hearts of all readers, writers, supporters, and participants at Faith & Family Live. May He make of us what He wills.
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