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Email a FriendI was the wild girlfriend that my boyfriend’s Catholic family disliked. They excluded me from family events, photos, and holidays. My boyfriend was patient with me though, he must have seen something in me that his parents refused to try to see. After 4.5 years of cohabitating, we got married and then I converted to Catholocism! We’ve been faithfully married for 9 years and have four beautiful Catholic children. We attend mass regularly and the kids go to Catholic school. And guess what, his parents still don’t like me! Mom and Dad don’t always know best - and I think that the advice above should include that. Parents, pray for your children, that they find the mate GOD wants them to have, not your first choice. Pray to God to help you have a loving heart towards those wayward souls your kids might bring home - you don’t know what kind of effect you can have on someone. We are humans, we can’t see the future or what our children need to get them to heaven.
Dating Dilemmas
by Marge Fenelon in Family on Thursday, September 02, 2010 6:00 AM
What are Catholic parents to do when they disapprove of their daughter or son’s dating relationship?
Kathryn, a retired schoolteacher from Stuart, Fla., knows what that’s like. When her son was a freshman in college, he began dating a young woman of whom Kathryn was not at all fond. She didn’t like the forcefulness with which the young woman treated her son.
Furthermore, she was greatly concerned about the changes she was seeing in her son: He changed the way he dressed, the way he wore his hair, and even his attitude was different. To Kathryn and her husband, this clearly was not a good match. In fact, they felt that the relationship was detrimental to their son.
“It was hard on us,” she said. “He wasn’t the boy we had raised. We didn’t like what the relationship was doing to him.”
Because they knew their son’s temperament and reaction style, the couple knew that trying to offer friendly, constructive advice would only backfire.
“We knew that, if we pestered him, he’d date her even more,” Kathryn said.
Rather than words, they chose to use prayer to influence their son’s dating choice. They let the issue rest in God’s hands and actively prayed to the Holy Spirit, asking him to speak to their son in their stead.
“We didn’t pray that the Holy Spirit would convince him to stop dating her,” Kathryn said. “We prayed that the Spirit would give him the wisdom to see his way through.”
Then Kathryn and her husband did something else: They enlisted the confidence and prayerful support of two close friends. They knew they needed others to whom they could confidentially vent their frustrations and could lean on spiritually.
“We don’t know what we would’ve done without the prayers of our friends,” she said. “They supported us and prayed with us. Parents need this kind of support, and it goes both ways. We can’t be afraid to ask others to help us, and then we must do the same for them.”
Six months later, their son stopped dating the girl on his own. Today, he’s married to a wonderful woman who has truly become part of the family.
Calm Caring
Clinical psychologist John Mayer agrees with the approach that Kathryn and her husband took. He has been a consultant to Catholic schools in the Chicago area for more than 25 years and has counseled many families with the same problem. He has also experienced the issue in his own family.
The first step, he says, is to maintain a balanced and calm demeanor with your child, just as you would in any frustrating parenting situation. Yelling, being punitive or being out of control will harm your relationship and will only make the situation worse. Additionally, if you forbid your child to date someone that you feel is undesirable, you’ll create a “Romeo and Juliet” effect in your own household.
“Why do you think that that story has withstood the test of time?” he asks. “It’s a fundamental part of human nature. The more you try to prohibit someone from something, the more they will want it. Remember what happened in the Garden of Eden?”
“Parents have to know that they can stand strong without standing nasty,” says Dr. Ray Guarendi, noted family therapist and regular Register contributor.
“I remember the trouble I gave to my own mother,” recalls Deborah, a mother of five from Waukesha, Wis. “I was dating a guy that my parents disapproved of, but my mother never said a word. Instead, she was kind and welcoming. I ended up breaking up with that guy on my own on a Friday. On Saturday, I met my present husband. If my mother would have nagged me, things probably would have been different.”
So, when Deborah’s daughter began dating someone of whom she and her husband disapproved, she knew what to do. She was kind and welcoming. Her daughter ended up marrying the young man, but things have been improving ever since: Soon Deborah’s first grandchild will be attending Catholic grade school.
“Who would have thought?” Deborah remarked. “We never know how things will turn out, even when they seem to be going in a bad direction.”
Mayer recommends that parents of dating children continue to be excellent models of Catholic values, approaching the situation with love and understanding. A response suited to the individual is important. Parents know their child and how they can best reach him or her. For some, that means prayer more than dialogue, like Kathryn and Deborah’s stories. For others, focused dialogue will be key.
Honesty Is Important
Be honest with your child, and point out the facts. But also be honest with yourself. Are your dislikes based on your own prejudices, ignorance or fears? Or are they based on tangible evidence? It’s important to know the difference.
Next, Mayer says that parents should look into their own relationships with their spouses, assuring that they are modeling a healthy Christian relationship for their children. Children must see and know why their parents love and chose each other. They will benefit from knowing the story of how their parents met and how the relationship grew.
As the Catechism of the Catholic Church (2217) makes clear, children should always respect their parents, including their concerns:
As they grow up, children should continue to respect their parents. They should anticipate their wishes, willingly seek their advice, and accept their just admonitions. Obedience toward parents ceases with the emancipation of the children; not so respect, which is always owed to them. This respect has its roots in the fear of God, one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit
And in No. 2230, the Catechism states, “When they become adults, children have the right and duty to choose their profession and state of life. They should assume their new responsibilities within a trusting relationship with their parents, willingly asking and receiving their advice and counsel. Parents should be careful not to exert pressure on their children either in the choice of a profession or in that of a spouse. This necessary restraint does not prevent them — quite the contrary — from giving their children judicious advice, particularly when they are planning to start a family.”
There are, however, times when things are so bad that they require immediate parental intervention. Dialogue isn’t enough. This has to be done with patience and discretion.
“If your child is embarking on a high-risk relationship, or if the relationship is adversely affecting other members of the family, especially younger siblings,” says Guarendi, “then you have the obligation to speak up. You wouldn’t consent to your child taking cocaine, and so you wouldn’t consent to your child being in a harmful relationship.”
Guarendi recommends sharing your concerns with your child in a calm, charitable and straightforward way. Make it clear that your motivation is love, not control. Sometimes parents overreact to situations because they fear it indicates they’re incompetent as parents. Others are afraid to take a stand because they’re afraid of losing their child.
“Make your point, but don’t keep hammering at it,” Dr. Ray says. “Don’t discontinue your relationship with your child, because you’ll lose all the way around.”
Parents do have some leverage to exercise, he says. If the child has listened to your concerns and still insists on continuing the dating relationship, there should be consequences. You can discontinue paying their car insurance or decrease the amount you’re paying toward their tuition, for example. You also can limit the contact the dating partner has with your family by making certain events such as holidays forbidden.
“Simply tell your child that, given the extreme state of the relationship, you can’t allow that person in your home,” he advises.
Finally, Guarendi reminds parents not to take the relationships of their children personally: “To expect our grown children to listen and obey everything we say is to ignore the free will God gave them.”
As Kathryn says, keep close to God through it all. “I know it’s a cliché, but it’s true. We have to let go and let God. Faith and trust in him are No. 1.”
—Marge Fenelon writes from Cudahy, Wisconsin. This article originally appeared in our sister publication, the National Catholic Register.
Comments
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The article only barely touches this point, but parents are not infallible! My own parents didn’t approve of my boyfriend in high school; they all but cut me off when I decided to marry him. In hindsight I understand that they had legitimate concerns; we still had a lot of growing to do. However, fifteen years and eight children later, my sweetie and I are very happily (and sacramentally) married. Turns out my parents were wrong about him- and about me- on every point.
The first two posts made me think of my husband’s father’s reaction to almost everybody his kids ended up marrying. Nobody was good enough because he was jealous. So you have to look at your parents for guidance but they have to give you solid reasons for their disapproval. It can’t be about their personal preferences.
My in-laws didn’t approve of me and still don’t. Although they are Catholic and go to church they thought I was too religious and too conservative (read: too faithful to the magesterium). They called me extreme, etc. We are now happily married but they still haven’t accepted me 15 years later.
I appreciated this article on several different levels. As the mom of a 13-year old, I’m approaching this phase, and having witinessed my friends go through this, I feel that I need to prepare. But the advice here is good for things other than dating. I need to remember to pray more and trust God more. Thank you.
I see all sides. I know some parents are right about their kids’ dates and some are not. There’s a lot of wisdom in this article, but things can get more complicated.
For example, I have a good friend who is faithful to the Church and raised her kids to be faithful. At one time, her oldest daughter was dating a member of the LDS who was very anti-Catholic, and the mother was worried, but gracious and kind. Eventually, the daughter broke things off with him and started dating a young man whose father had been in seminary at one time and whose mother had been a religious sister, later released from her vows. My friend was so happy her daughter was dating somebody from such a fine Catholic family—and then she and her husband and this young man’s parents were in the terribly unsavory position of witnessing their Catholic kids get married by a Unitarian minister on a beach instead of in the Church, both stating that they “knew the rules” and would “fix it later” when they were ready to have kids.
My parents didn’t like my husband because he was “too religious”. It took twelve years before my mom figured out that he is a great husband and father, and it took my dad’s cancer diagnosis two years later before he was able to take stock of things anew and decide my husband was okay with him.
I, too, had problems with my youngest son’s choice for many reasons, but through prayer I have come to appreciate her so much! She is perfect for him in so many ways. Religian is still a problem, though and I pray for her daily. I have learned to love her and give thanks for the ways she loves my son. God will work this out.
We should bring up our children inculcating christian values Though they may not be fully following our advices, they will later realise the value when a failure comes on the way. Anyway those children who believe in the Church’s teaching about adultery will not live together before marriage
Having four boys who range from 15-21 at the moment, their choice of who they date is a real concern of mine. I was inspired by the Holy Spirit to say a novena for nine days in petition and nine days in thanksgiving when my first boy was 17 and had began a long distance relationship with a daughter of friends of ours. She was a wonderful girl, but I just wasn’t sure if this was the path the Lord wanted hinm to take at that time. The relationship ended during the thanksgiving part. Since then, I have done this about six times, usually choosing patron saints of my children, once I used the name of the girl involved, St. Philomena! Every time the relationship was broken off by the end of 18 days. So, I pass this helpful hint on to all “concerned” mothers. There will also be a great peace when I do a novena and the relationship continues! God Willing!
I love this part of your article: “As they grow up, children should continue to respect their parents. They should anticipate their wishes, willingly seek their advice, and accept their just admonitions. Obedience toward parents ceases with the emancipation of the children; not so respect, which is always owed to them. This respect has its roots in the fear of God, one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit”
Obedience and respect is are now becoming a thing of the past most especially in the western world today. I believe it has more to do with the govt. Most children these days do not seek their parents opinions or respect their parents because the people in the authority(govt) have forgotten what the scripture says about obedience and respect and therefore give children so much freedom by capitalizing on discipline as an abusive measure.
Quite a dilemma indeed. I agree that children do disobey their parents more than they obey them. Usually end up being rebels. The worse part.
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