Domestic Frontlines
by Michelle Reitemeyer in Family on Wednesday, August 19, 2009 6:00 AM
I miss my husband most on Sundays. Mass with six children, including a preschooler and a toddler, is never fun, and tackling it week after week with a deployed spouse is migraine inducing. And Sunday Mass is only the beginning of yet another week of going it alone.
Keeping it together while a spouse is away for weeks, months, even years is no easy task for any military mom. This is our second deployment, and it is off to a better start than the last one. Experience matters, so I’d like to share some ideas on managing things while hubby is away for a long stretch of time.
Slow down. Is your schedule crammed full of activities? This is the time to seriously re-evaluate all the extras that you and the kids do. Keeping busy does help the time go faster, but it also adds stress to a situation already in the red zone. This is not the time to volunteer for new activities, but it is definitely the time to let someone else take a turn at leadership.
Get tough. When you’re the only parent around to do the disciplining, especially during a time when kids are stressed and will act up more often than usual, the temptation is strong to put on sound-reducing headphones and ignore the sibling squabbles in the next room. Bad move. Re-read your favorite child discipline book or pick up a new one for a pep talk in good parenting. I just finished Dr. Ray Guarendi’s Discipline That Lasts a Lifetime
Lighten up. As long as the child is not being disobedient or disrespectful, some leeway in minor things means less for you to get worked up about. It’s okay to let the 2 year old wear the yellow rain boots to Mass, or let the 4 year old play outside in his pajamas in the morning, or let the 9 year old grow his hair a bit longer than usual. These aren’t battles worth fighting right now.
Make friends. Local friends and relatives can ease your burden by watching kids, running small errands, or simply by being a social outlet. Consider taking turns babysitting while the other runs errands or having regular play dates with a like-minded family. Online communities help bring military moms together too for emotional support.
Simplify. Home maintenance is easier when you have less stuff. At the least, making most toys inaccessible to little hands enables you to monitor how much stuff comes out each time and makes clean up more manageable.
Get help. If you can afford it, consider lawn care, a cleaning service or a regular babysitter. For non-routine jobs, swallow your pride and ask for help. If friends or relatives ask if there is anything you need, come up with something. It is good to be strong, but it is better to be humble.
Take care of yourself. It’s hard to go to bed at a decent hour or find time to pray when the housework never ends, the laundry piles high, and you really want to send a nice email to your husband every night. But neglecting your body and your soul quickly leads to burnout. If you don’t feel you can get it all done and still maintain your health, re-read the suggestions above and start implementing them.
Finally, most families don’t need to be reminded of the importance of communication with their spouse. Thoughtful care packages and sincere hand-written letters mean the world to someone who is far from home. For those who have regular internet and phone access, emails, photos and videos from home keep them up to date on what’s happening in the family. If at all possible, try to occasionally talk at a time when the children are not around.
Somebody will likely have to miss some sleep, but having an uninterrupted, intimate conversation is very helpful in strengthening your love. Having wrist watches set to go off at the exact same time is a great way for kids to know that their dad is thinking of them right at that moment. And, of course, praying for him and knowing he is praying for you really does help get you all through these tough days.
—Michelle Reitemeyer is an army wife and mother of six who holds down the fort at her home in Virginia. Her blog is Rosetta Stone.
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