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Email a FriendThis is excellent! I use rooms not as a punishment much, but as a “time out” away from each other, to recuperate ourselves. Even I take some room time sometimes. I think it’s very healthy to teach our children to take a time out from each other. Just because we’re mad at them at that very moment, doesn’t mean we don’t love them. And we can take that alone time and turn it into prayer time and come out refreshed. My daughter (almost 8) asks for alone time in her room. I keep her younger sister downstairs. 
Go to Your Room!
Is this traditional punishment a good idea?
by Dr. Ray Guarendi in Family on Friday, February 05, 2010 6:00 AM
Q. I’ve read that sending kids to their room is bad discipline because it’s taking a special place and pairing it with punishment.
A. I’ll do you one better. I’ve read that sending a child to his room can give him bad feelings toward sleep. If so, since the days of early adolescence, I should have been a complete insomniac.
I don’t agree with these far-stretched warnings in the least. To begin, a similar case could be made against nearly all discipline. If you make a teen write an essay on respect each time he’s disrespectful, will he turn away from the English language? If you fine him a dollar, will he grow up hating money? Will a preschooler sent to a corner become cornerphobic? If he sits one too many times in time-out, will he develop an aversion to chairs? Virtually every consequence carries some negative component or it wouldn’t be a consequence. It wouldn’t teach a lesson or have deterrent effect.
I suppose there are a few kids whose rooms could lose a little luster from their revisits, but even so, the pros of room time-out far exceed the cons. Before getting into these, one condition needs to be set. Mickey’s room is not a branch of Disney World, complete with an 18-foot video screen, toy warehouse, and phone satellite linkup to nine countries. It is a relatively quiet place with a bed, some books and a few other comforts. If not, you can A) thin it out or B) use another room.
Many parents choose “B” because they can’t afford to hire enough trucks to haul away the room’s inventory.
The first benefit of room time-out is ease and simplicity. Three related laws of discipline are: The simpler it is, the more likely we’ll do it. The more likely we’ll do it, the better it’ll work. The better it works, the less we have to do it.
A room stay is well suited to any number of daily misbehaviors: disrespect, sibling quibbling, temper surges and arguing. Removal from the scene of the trouble is quick and effective. In a recent study of strong families, the most common discipline was room time, particularly for elementary schoolers and older kids.
A second benefit is the “out of your face” phenomenon. Rooms separate agitated, irritated or instigated parties, be they parents and kids, kids and kids or maybe parents and parents. So often discipline turbulence is not caused by the discipline itself but by the escalating words and emotions that can erupt during discipline. A firm room directive short-circuits trouble before it fuels itself. It allows both parties to simmer down more quickly, thus leaving much unsaid that is not meant and would later need explanation or apology. If you don’t say it, it doesn’t hurt.
A third benefit: Rooms give everyone time to think. Neither we nor Fulbright may use the time, but it’s there.
What is Raddison allowed to do in his room? Again, that’s up to you. But I would make off-limits the really neat stuff, like phone, television, iPod and toys. That leaves the quieter things like sitting, thinking, sleeping, reading and fuming. All in all, still not a bad selection.
—The doctor is always in at DrRay.com. This article originally appeared in our sister publication, the National Catholic Register.
Comments
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Posted by Jenny P on Friday, Feb 5, 2010 1:50 PM (EDT):
I put my toddlers into timeout in their bed/crib with their lovey. Rather than turning them off of sleep, they seem to find it easier to calm down there. My 2.5 yr old will even ask for a timeout when he’s tantruming. I leave them there until *I* want to see them again and they’re calm as well. Sometimes it turns into a “terminal timeout” when they fall asleep.
Posted by Karen Murphy on Friday, Feb 5, 2010 4:32 PM (EDT):
I whole-heartedly agree that sending kids to a room works. In our home we have a bathroom that just has a shower and toilet, no windows. It works wonderful. I send them there to find ‘the want-to’ and when they have found it they may come out. Other times I use it for them to have a little ‘chat’ with the Blessed Mother to straighten out their attitudes and tell them ‘Mom’ will let them know when she’s done and they are ready to come out. They don’t end up staying in there very long as a rule.
Posted by Mom o' 4 on Friday, Feb 5, 2010 5:12 PM (EDT):
I agree, “room time” is good for calming down, not for punishment. More often than not, it mostly benefits moi as I need time think through a challenging situation and come up with an adult response, rather than the knee-jerk yelling and outrageous punishment that occurs to me at the moment. Other times, it’s been good for an out-of-control child to regain composure and be ready to talk.
Posted by Phyllis on Friday, Feb 5, 2010 7:47 PM (EDT):
I think he hit the nail on the head. I think the people who want to say that sending kids to their room will create permanent damage really just want to get people not to discipline their children at all. I know I have seen enough of those kids…to me THAT is far worse permanent damage.
Posted by Marie on Friday, Feb 5, 2010 8:53 PM (EDT):
We have 3 boys sharing a room, so I never send a child to his own room as a punishment, unless the punishment is cleaning said room, esp. if it was going to be the job of someone the child just injured. “You called your brother a name, you can do his chore to make up for it.” Otherwise, it would be a case of “I get to play with all my toys for as long as I want and I don’t have to share?” Completely wrong incentive. I send them to the nursery or my room or some other borrowing place. Or they have to sit where I can see them.
Posted by Jeanne on Friday, Feb 5, 2010 11:17 PM (EDT):
I agree on the room being great for time-out. Most of the big toys are not in the rooms, so there is not much in them except for books, music, and maybe an odd card game or board game. If everyone is crabby, I send them to separate rooms as much as possible and they can read on their beds. My only problem? Not remembering to do this OFTEN enough!
Posted by Peggy Bowes on Saturday, Feb 6, 2010 9:32 AM (EDT):
I used to send my children (now 10 and 12) to the most boring room in the house—the laundry room. If I sent them to their rooms, they’d play or read and lose the point of the timeout, and it was tough to get them to stay in a chair. I think I read about the laundry room idea somewhere (it’s been awhile since they were in the time-out stage…) and I gave it a try. They would have to sit on the floor, and I’d leave the light on but close the door partway. I set a time, based on age, and I told them they should use the time to think about what they had done wrong and how they could try to be better next time. When the timeout was over, I brought them out, gave them a hug and we talked for a minute about the undesired behavior. It was also important to give them strategies so that they could learn to change the behavior.
Funny, I had forgotten all about this time-out method until my daughter said the other day, “Remember when you sent us to the laundry room?”
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