Print Blog
Email a FriendPosted by Sarah on Thursday, Nov 5, 2009 9:42 AM (EDT):
A perfect article!
How I Stopped Chasing Perfection
Confessions of a Paper Plate Snob
by Colleen Duggan in Homemaking on Thursday, November 05, 2009 6:00 AM
Years ago I attended a coffee and bible study with a bunch of established women (read: most were twice my age, they had grown kids, and they happily shared their wisdom from years in the trenches). As a neophyte in the field of motherhood, I happily soaked up their suggestions. Convinced they had the keys to domestic bliss, I hung on every word uttered.
The theme for the day centered on bringing beauty to our homes and using home life, in all its mundane details and tasks, to serve the Lord. There was one woman in attendace whom I particularly admired. She was attractive and refined. She was the kind of mom I wanted to one day be—involved with her kids and able to juggle many balls in the air with grace and aplomb.
As our discussion meandered, I rememberd she offered these words to the group, “Before I got married, my Grandmother told me never to use paper plates. I never have. Disposable paper settings take away from beauty in the home. There is just something about a properly set table and a good home cooked meal. It adds something.”
As a newly-married wannabe domestic goddess, I took her words to heart. Her advice fueled my desire to achieve perfection in my home. With full throttle, I embraced the ambiance and appeal that flowers, table linens, real dishes, and home-cooked food brought to my table. I implemented these things as best practices in my home. I sought excellence in my physical surroundings.
Paper plates at my table? I think not! Plastic silverware and drinking cups? Never!
Such blatant tackiness and dare I suggest, laziness, horrified me.
Wake Up Call
But, reality soon hit. It started with my first baby. Then, I had a second one. Shortly thereafter, I was blessed with a third. Bearing a number of children in quick succession immediately expedited adjustments to my lofty and unrealistic standards.
How? I recognized my standards were impossible. Healthy doses of reality allowed me to see my desire for perfection both in my physical surroundings and in my relationships were totally impractical. More than that, my standards were beyond my human capabilities. The perfection I so ardently chased was never going to happen. Ever.
Though it is okay to strive for loveliness in my home (the kind the women were encouraging at the bible study long ago), I made the mistake of expecting perfection in a home where many people live, breathe, and have their being. Pretty things, cleanliness, and attention to details are all well and good. Making my home warm and welcoming, a spiritual and physical refuge for those who enter, can be a positive. But my humanity limits me in creating a perfect dwelling spot. Neither my home nor the people living here will ever be without defect.
It took me a long time to understand striving for beauty in my surroundings is not the same as maintaining the perfection I sought. My home will never be perfectly clean.
“How did this toothpaste get here? Didn’t I just wipe down this sink five minutes ago?”
Beautiful, Not Perfect
I will never have flawless table settings. My good china dish will always have a chip on it from the Thanksgiving dinner when one of the children banged mercilessly on it. My overused table linens will always have stains I simply cannot remove. That’s what happens when kids are allowed grape juice during special dinners.
My home, my table, and the food will never be perfect. In fact, it is all a far cry from five-star restaurant and hotel quality.
But that doesn’t mean my table or my home isn’t beautiful.
Whether we are digesting home cooked food or not, when I sit down to eat with my family, I have five charming faces smiling back at me. I assure you, they definitely are not perfect. But, they are definitely beautiful.
Peace in the Surrender
Once I surrendered my desire for perfection, something funny happened.
I felt peace and happiness. I felt I was okay. I felt my home was okay. Most importantly, I felt my husband and my kids were okay.
When my fourth baby arrived this past December, that put four of the six people in my home in an age bracket of five and under. Yet again, I found myself adapting the way I think things “should” be (the perfection I covet) and the way things actually can be.
How did this realization, practically speaking, play out? If you promise to keep a secret, I’ll tell you: I started using paper plates.
I know, I know, the horror of it all. But, for now, we dine on disposables.
And guess what? My table remains absolutely exquisite—paper plates, imperfection, and all.
—Colleen Duggan, proud wife and mommy, pontificates about motherhood at Meditations of a Stay at Home Mom.
Comments
Page 1 of 1 pages
Posted by Angela on Thursday, Nov 5, 2009 9:48 AM (EDT):
Colleen, you are a wise young mother.
What a blessing for the young moms on this site to have that kind of support.
Your words are even helpful for us “older moms”, who need the exact same reminder. I once had four children under five; now I have seven from 19 to 3. The temptation to be upset with myself for imperfection still looms. When my son comes home from college for Thanksgiving, I want everything to be perfect… but it won’t be. I did not actually realize that I was expecting this until I read your article and reflected upon it. Now that i realize it, I am going to try to follow your advice.
Thank you, Colleen, for your kind words of wisdom.
Posted by colleen on Thursday, Nov 5, 2009 4:34 PM (EDT):
Thank you for your kind words, Angela. It’s such a temptation, like others have mentioned, for us moms to make our environments look perfect. I hope you have a wonderful visit with your college age child—even amidst the junk! God bless you!
Posted by Paige on Thursday, Nov 5, 2009 9:48 AM (EDT):
I use paper plates too…without shame! I’d rather have the dishes done regularly than have a beautifully set table. With 5 kids and a disabled husband I simply can’t do both.
Posted by colleen on Thursday, Nov 5, 2009 4:35 PM (EDT):
You are very wise, Paige. It sounds like you have a great deal of responsibility. It’s so good you know how to pick your battles!
Posted by Kansas Mom on Thursday, Nov 5, 2009 11:10 AM (EDT):
We don’t use paper plates, but I unabashedly serve PB&J at nearly every lunch when Kansas Dad isn’t home. I avoid the stove and even the microwave if I can. It takes me longer to wipe the table clean than to put the dishes in the dishwasher. (I gave up on table cloths long ago.)
Posted by Celia on Thursday, Nov 5, 2009 12:20 PM (EDT):
Paper plates here, too! We (meaning I) hand wash all the pots & plates; the kitchen is so tiny installing a dishwasher is out of the question. So we use plenty of paper plates with the new baby, esp. for dinner. The world has not ended. And my dining table and chairs are plastic—they can be easily cleaned, folded up out of the way to vacuum, set up in the back yard by one person, and even hosed down if need be. It’s not elegant (not even middle class), but it sure works; DS is a klutz and DD is a vandal.
Also, I’ve become a crockpot diva, thanks to Stephanie O’Dea. God bless her website & new book!
It’s hard to be a perfectionist mom and realize that perfectionism and motherhood do not go hand in hand. While I’m not much of a paper plate user, I realized shortly after my second child was born that expecting my home to look picture perfect all of the time was totally unrealistic. Do I still strive for that? Heck yeah! But, I have slowly come to terms with understanding that a spotless home and tired mom who is always cleaning is not what my husband and children need. I do have many moments where the neat freak perfectionist comes out to put the house back in it’s “no one lives here” look, but it never lasts for more than a few hours at best. Oh, and when the dishwasher is filled and I have run out of plates, I serve sandwiches on napkins or paper towels which I can use to wipe down crumbs when the kids are done eating. That, my friends, is even easier than using paper plates.
Posted by StephC on Thursday, Nov 5, 2009 3:22 PM (EDT):
One of the things I always include in a meal-bag gift to new parents is a set of paper plates, cups, bowls and plastic utensils. “You’ve got more important things to do now than the dishes” I tell them!
RE: perfectionism and other unrealistic expectations…remember that we can’t get thru the checkout line w/o 10 magazines telling us how to have the “perfect_____”(fill in the blank.) But how many headlines say, “100 easy ways to let go of perfectionism and LOVE with all your heart!”? It wouldn’t sell any magazines! 
Posted by Vickie on Thursday, Nov 5, 2009 4:59 PM (EDT):
Responding to StephC and others who might think like me…I would beg to differ that a magazine claiming to help let go of perfectionism and instead be able to Love with all of your heart wouldn’t sell. I think people would be looking for rain checks for it…if we could be honest with ourselves. Isn’t that why we try to be the Light of Christ each day. Don’t we desire to bring the freedom to others that we have received and are being reminded of in this article by Colleen? Those of you talented writers might want to consider this. Have a great day!
Posted by michelle reitemeyer on Friday, Nov 6, 2009 7:25 AM (EDT):
I once advised someone in the throes of moving to go with paper plates, etc, and the response seemed to be “Doh! Why didn’t I think of that!”. I definitely resort to disposable when I’m overwhelmed. Napkins and paper towels always work really well for “dry” meals.
And, in case you didn’t think of it already, those really cheap paper plates, like the one in the photo work really well as a cutting board. Chop your onion, toss the plate.
Posted by Loretta S. on Friday, Nov 6, 2009 4:25 PM (EDT):
It has recently occurred to me that my perfectionist bent is really the sin of pride. I mean really, in the end, who do I think I am? I am only an imperfect woman. To expect a pristine house with a 2 y/o and a 5 m/o is to think that I am better than I am = pride. And keeps me from relying on God. That thought has changed my mind towards my need for a spotless house.
Post a Comment
By submitting this form, you give Faith And Family Magazine permission to publish this comment. Comments will be published at our discretion, and may be edited for clarity and length. For best formatting, please limit your response to one paragraph and don't hit "enter" to force line breaks.
