I Worry So
God doesn't want us to carry a weight like this
by Rachel Balducci
in Faith
on Wednesday, September 28, 2011 6:53 PM
Henry is sitting in my bathroom on the counter. He has filled the sink with water and is using my lotion cap as a small cylindrical sailboat.
I was about to dry my hair when he climbed up next to me. So my immediate reaction is to unplug my hairdryer and moved it out of the way.
I decide to stand in my bedroom to dry my hair. That way Henry can keep playing in his ocean of adventure while I watch from a safe distance. But as I stand at my mirror I can’t shake the feeling that there is danger lurking as he sits on the counter to play.
What has become of me? Why must I turn these sweet moments of fun into moments of peril. Is danger really lurking around every corner, or is that just me?
Am I crazy, or am I just a mother?
Charlie recently burned his leg with a bowl of ramen noodles. We have since found out, after our initial trip to the emergency room and then the burn unit, that this is a common injury. I had no idea.
We’ve now had several follow-ups at the wound center and I am amazed what it takes to deal with the injuries from a bowl of microwave-heated liquid.
The scary thing is this: ramen noodles were never on my list of Things I Fear. And I think I reflect on this fact every time one of my children gets hurt.
I have my list of things I’m constantly “aware of” and so far we are running about a 4:1 ratio. For every four times we wind up in the emergency room, only one of them is for something that is actually on The List.
To review:
Henry’s broken femur and subsequent seven-week full-body cast: not on the list.
Isabel’s freakishly swollen eye and overnight hospital stay: not on the list.
Elliott’s stitches for pocket knife injury: totally on the list.
Charlie’s second and third degree burns from spilling soup on his thigh: never considered it.
So now on my running list of things to “Be Aware Of” (translated: freak out about) I’ll be thinking of hot soup and long dog leashes and walking into my daughter’s room to discover her eye has been replaced by something the size of a golf ball.
Does Motherhood Suck the Fun out of Everything?
Yes and no.
I have decided, on the heels of our most recent health adventures, that it’s time to go back to my approach of letting it all go. I tell myself that even though I know I can’t really do that — but I understand (in theory) that’s what God wants. He doesn’t want me to carry the burden of fear that something horrible might happen to one of my children.
“But I love them so much,” I tell the Lord when I’m feeling overwhelmed and scared.
“So do I,” he reminds me, “more than you can even comprehend.”
So back I go to the foot of the cross. I lay these things down — the fear of cuts and bruises, of broken bones. I put these at his feet, along with even my most unspeakable fears. I give them to him, because he wants them.
God wants freedom for us, and he wants joy. And while he understands that we are humans with human nature, he really does not want us to carry the weight of the “what if’s”. That’s not his plan for us.
The best we can do somedays is remind ourselves of this. And on the very best days we can somehow, through grace, loosen the grip we have. We don’t loosen the reign we have on our children, but we release them to God, all the while understanding that God put them in our care but that they are, ultimately, His.
“Be not afraid,” says Blessed John Paul II.
I’ll put that bumper sticker on my van as I (oh-so-carefully) drive down the highway.
— Faith & Family Live blogger Rachel Balducci also blogs at Testosterhome. This column originally appeared in the Southern Cross.
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