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by Manya Held in Marriage on Thursday, July 16, 2009 6:00 AM
Divorce is a terrible thing … a heartbreaking experience. When children are involved, it’s even more heartbreaking and terrible. I should know. I am divorced. I am also a Catholic.
The Catholic Church shows some of its immense wisdom when it proclaims that marriage is a lifelong commitment and divorce should not take place. And it shows Christ’s mercy and compassion by welcoming Catholics who are divorced.
But not all Catholics realize this. There are misconceptions regarding divorce and the Catholic Church.
Misconceptions and Judgment
It’s difficult to experience the death of your marriage and, then, divorce. If you’re a practicing Catholic, these experiences have an added measure of pain and guilt. The misconceptions and the judging sometimes done by other Catholics, add yet more pain and guilt. All of this can drive Catholics from the Church when they most need to be embraced by it.
My 20 year marriage ended in divorce. This is not something I wanted. I fought it, but one spouse cannot hold a marriage together. However, one spouse can destroy a marriage and push a divorce through—gone are the days when both spouses needed to consent to a divorce or it wouldn’t take place.
Alone
As a practicing Catholic with four children, my divorce was devastating on several different levels, not the least of which was the thought that, in order to remain a practicing member of the Catholic Church, I might have to be alone for the rest of my life.
Alone ... it’s a frightening thought. As a Catholic, I knew I wouldn’t be allowed to remarry in the church without first receiving a Declaration of Nullity (an annulment). To remarry without receiving an annulment is considered adultery – a grave sin. What were the chances that a marriage of 20 years, which took place in the Catholic Church and had been blessed with four children, would be found to not have been sacramental? Even dating before receiving an annulment is wrong because, in the eyes of the church, the marriage still exists. While this position of the Catholic Church makes a great deal of sense, it’s very misunderstood and ends up being one more painful issue for many divorced Catholics.
A Painful Process
Then there’s the divorce process, which is demeaning for anyone, but especially a stay-at-home mom. I was made to feel that I’d taken advantage of my husband financially all those years (this from the lawyers, even my own!). I was also told I needed to get a job ASAP. No matter that I was still homeschooling my young children. No matter that I was in school trying to prepare myself for a decent job. No matter that this would create more stress in my children’s lives at a time when they needed less.
I tell you these things to give a glimpse into what it’s like for a Catholic mom to experience divorce. My story is not unique. On the contrary, some suffer much more, at the hands of their spouse, lawyers, their spouse’s family, and ... their fellow Catholics.
Can a person be divorced and still be Catholic?
Yes. Divorce does not result in excommunication (a common misconception!). Also, it is not a sin to divorce. Of course, there can be a pile of sins leading up to divorce, but that’s not what I’m talking about here … divorce itself is not a sin.
Can a Catholic be divorced and still be respected?
The answer to this should be “yes.” I’m happy to say that, as far as my relationships with other Catholics who I knew before the divorce and, also, those with whom I became acquainted after the divorce, I’ve never been treated disrespectfully. However, I know that many have very different experiences. I’ve heard from divorced Catholics who no longer feel comfortable at mass. I suspect that a lot of these feelings come from within these individuals, but I’m also pretty sure that some have actually been snubbed by other Catholics.
So what am I trying to do here? I am trying simply to reach out to you ... Catholic moms. To give you just a small idea of what it’s like to be divorced and Catholic. And, to ask for your understanding and compassion. If you know someone who is divorced or going through divorce, make them feel welcome in your life and in your church. Lend a helping hand, if possible. Chances are, they’re devastated and just getting through a day is a huge challenge. Doing that and caring for children can sometimes seem an impossible task.
They will get through the hell they’re experiencing – with time, with help and with faith. Welcome them so that their faith can grow.
—Manya Held is author of DivorcedCatholicMoms.com, a blog dedicated to the support of Catholic moms who have experienced the devastation of divorce and want to know where they stand in the Catholic Church and how to remain true to their faith.
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Iam glad you addressed this . My mother exprienced almost the same thing . Dad vehemently refused to get married in church which got her 20+ years of no communion and then walked away after 20 years
Even now she feels the church and the congregation did not heed her plight
It’s wonderful to remind people who’ve suffered divorce that the Church welcomes them. I know a pastor who makes a point of reminding people of this from the pulpit several times a year simply because the mistaken notion that divorce means you aren’t Catholic anymore is so widespread.
It would be good to consult the Catechism #2382-2386 on the question of whether divorce is or isn’t a sin, however. It is possible to be the wronged spouse and be innocent in divorce, and there are special cases (such as abuse) in which divorce can be tolerated, but otherwise to divorce your spouse is indeed a sin.
I realize the author isn’t trying to say otherwise because she’s referring to the state of abandonment, but I wanted to clarify in case of misunderstanding.
I also would like to say that men go through this also. My brother is catholic and is going through a divorce at this moment. He was a stay-home father and the primary care taker of his son. He is suffering right now and has done all he could to hold his marriage together. This is a horrible thing to go through we as a family are all struggling to get through this and trying to be as supportive as we can. My prayers go out to all who have suffered through this!
I cannot say that I understand where you’re coming from, because I’m not divorced. I can hear everything you say about not wanting the divorce, and that must be so horrible for you. I actually worked with someone who went through something extremely similar. I was aware that the actual divorce is not a sin, it is the actions before and the actions after.
My hang up with this is the women, and men, who get divorced, and may not feel the way you do about it. What do you do with the people who get divorced, after having been married in a Catholic Church, and don’t care about the Church’s take on it? I can hear what you’re going to say, with truth and compassion. And others’ souls are not my responsibility. But isn’t it our responsibility to speak the truth?
I just had a run-in with my mom. She is not a Catholic, but was married to my dad in a Catholic Church. They divorced recently after 38 years and she is just happy as a lark to be dating someone else. So I told her, rather yelled it at her, that she was committing a sin, a grave sin. I’m assuming that since she was married in a Catholic Church, that it is still a sin, even though she never converted. I didn’t mean for it to come out at her the way that it did, but I couldn’t hold it in any longer. She’s my mom. I care about her and her soul and what she’s doing with her life! And just because I want to tell someone the truth about what they are doing, doesn’t mean I’m judging, but trying to reach out. Could I have done that better? Absolutely. But you know what? Now she is actually reading my daily devotionals that I have been sending to her email for MONTHS now! My heart jumped for joy when she said she had read it. So small steps I suppose.
I feel for you and this is a great article. I think it’s really easy to forget that there are divorced Catholics who aren’t exactly happy with that. God bless and I hope everything works out for you. It sounds as though your life just got 10 times harder.
I’m sorry for what you and your family are going through. It’s very difficult for children…even adult ones. I think the best thing you could do is to stand by your mom and let her know what you think (and see) from the point of view of her daughter AND to gently guide her to an understanding of the church’s teachings. Of course, keeping such discussions on an even keel is always best….but extremely difficult when emotions are very much caught up in the situation.
I wish you all the best! Now is a great time to call on the Holy Spirit!
Thank you for your comment and blessing. My divorce took place a little over 7 years ago. My life definitely was at least 10 times harder for several years, but I can honestly say now that life is good again. 
Thanks for an insightful article. I walked closely with my friend the last 5 years as her marriage unraveled and it was incredibly sad.
I wish everyone had a friend like you! I’m happy to say that I did have one who stood by me through all those hard, hard times. She always very patiently listened to my ranting, and venting and crying. She never had any “fixes” for what was happening…she just mostly listened…and that’s exactly what I needed.
God bless all good friends who are willing to “be there,” and continue “being there”!! It’s not easy for them (the good friends, I mean).
Sadly, many pre-Cana/marriage preparation programs today are sorely lacking in solid Catholic content & catechesis on the sacramental nature of marriage. I’ll admit, the pre-Cana program we attended 15 years ago was a joke. Half the participants (including, at the time, my husband, who has since converted to Catholicism) were non-Catholics & I wondered how they could be getting ANY sense of what the Catholic Church teaches about the sacrament of matrimony.
My family has suffered through a divorce. It is a tragedy, always, even when there are no children involved. For some people, even if there is a good chance that the marriage was invalid (in our particular case, mental illness), there is still a stigma attached to obtaining an annulment. Some people do not want to revisit the marriage, ever. I think as Catholics we have to welcome our divorced parishoners, and pray for them. There is a lot of healing that can only come from Christ, and the sacraments.
Patricia, I completely agree with you. My husband and I were both baptized Catholic, but our pre-Cana “class” was just a bunch of questions that my priest asked. Looking back, I can’t even believe he let us get married. I hadn’t step foot in a Church for years, hadn’t gone to confession either, and received communion and a blessing in my marriage. Probably shouldn’t have happened, but everything happens for a reason. I have since come back to the Church, and we have been blessed with 3 beauties. I love my husband dearly. We have kinks to work out, just like any other married couple. The problem, as you stated, is that the pre-Cana does not put an importance on marriage the way it should.
The nun who did our “marriage prep” asked if we satisfied each other sexually and was dumbfounded when we said we hoped we would but that we believed the Church was right in waiting for marriage for sexual intimacy and were abiding by the teachings. It went downhill from there for our prep. We got better advice and insight from laypeople uninvolved with my home diocese.
Hi, My prayers are with you. I was also married in the church and divorced, I did manage to get an annulment, so it is possible. Our prep was not that great either, when I mentioned concerns over the amount of alcohol my fiance drank to the priest, he said it was part of the culture (Southern) and I should just get used to it. I should have ran then butI guess I wouldn’t have my beautiful daughter. Also I am now married again with the blessing of the church with two more daughters to a non-Catholic who was more than happy to go to marriage preparation classes with me. He is helping me to raise our daughters in the Catholic faith and is a wonderful father and husband. While my divorce was devastating it ended up my life was blessed and I think the reason is I stayed with my faith.
Congratulations on your marriage and family. Your husband sounds wonderful.
My divorce was also devastating (I would guess that most are) and I don’t know how I would have gotten through that hell and back into happiness without my faith.
Update to article: I also received an annulment. The process is very in depth and thorough - definitely not something that is carried out on a whim, although I know it can seem that way to those who have never gone through it.
The comments regarding marriage prep are interesting. Ours was also a joke and I remember being upset and embarrassed at the time. You see, my fiance was not Catholic and the prep we went through did not portray the church in a good light. (in my opinion) There was nothing of substance and true conviction in the preparation….
After seeing the comments here, I talked with my 24 yo (unmarried) daughter about them. She rolled her eyes at the experiences (especially the nun who asked about sexual compatibility!) and told me that the pendulum seems to be swinging back the other way. It seems that her generation is requesting the more traditional values/teachings of the church. I don’t know what her “references” are but she spends A LOT of time reading Catholic sites and listening to Catholic podcasts, so she has a much better “finger on the pulse” than I do. At any rate, I’m heartened by what she told me and pray that the pendulum IS swinging back the other way….finally.
I am a recent convert and was told by a divorced catholic that once you get a divorce, even if you are innocent and remain single you can no longer receive the Eucharist. is this correct teaching?
No, No, No - If you are divorced, not remarried outside the church and not dating there is absolutely no need to refrain from the Eucharist. Even if you are the “guilty party” in the divorce and have since made a good sacramental confession, are not remarried and not dating there is no need to refrain from the Eucharist.
NOT true. I’m so glad you asked! A divorced Catholic is still a full member of the Church and can still receive communion - assuming that they’re not in a state of mortal sin, which is the same rule that applies to any Catholic. Divorce itself is not a mortal sin. So what’s important here is the state of the person’s soul, not their status as far as being divorced.
I hope that clarifies it for you.
How very sad that so many divorced Catholics are led to believe such things. This is precisely why I started the blog http://www.DivorcedCatholicMoms.com. Here’s a post that addresses this very topic - http://divorcedcatholicmoms.com/divorced-and-still-catholic/
Another fantastic site is http://www.DivorcedCatholic.com.
Thank you for your question.
Manya!! Great article! You have a great way of expressing what so many of us feel and suffer through. It’s hard to truly convey the gravity of what happens in a divorce but I think you’ve done a great job. Thank you for your article!
Hi, there’s one thing that is not clear from your article - whether you started dating another person again.
I ask because my best friend, a devout Catholic and totally knowledgeable about her faith (i.e. no remarriage, dating, mortal sin), has started to date again. I tried talking to her but she went into denial, claiming that she still has her faith. But slowly and surely, I see things deterioriating - she stopped attending mass, stopped saying grace, started to publicly date and seems commited to her new relationship. Now, she says that I have to accept her new relationship or the friendship is over and I should just treat her as a non-Catholic.
I know that faith is between her and God, but sometimes, I feel very sorrowful thinking of her losing her faith completely. I understand how difficult it is for her and from a non-spiritual perspective, I wish for her happiness.
I know also to not question the judgment of God, why He would uphold one person in the faith and allow another to fall - but its very painful to see a dear friend fall and to think that if she remained unrepentant, where her soul will end up.
Mary,
I didn’t touch on that in this article because dating after divorce is a whole other subject. I’ve written some posts on it over at http://divorcedcatholicmoms.com.
Very quickly, though, I’d like to point out that remarriage in the Church IS possible if a Declaration of Nullity is received. As for dating before a Declaration of Nullity is received…this is a bit of a gray area. It’s all right to spend time with friends of the opposite sex but it’s not a good idea if it feels like it could lead to a more serious relationship because, in the eyes of the Church, the marriage still exists so the option of a more serious relationship does not. This is a difficult issue for many…it was for me, too.
Your friend is hurting and lonely and, quite possibly, feeling let down by God. She needs to make her own decisions while feeling supported by her close friends and family. That leaves you in a sticky, uncomfortable position when you feel she’s hurting herself spiritually. What is that famous quote…something like, “Preach the faith at all times…when absolutely necessary, use words.”
Your friend is at a very difficult time in her life. Straying from her faith now does not mean she’ll be lost to it forever. Keep her in your prayers and be there for her.
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