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Email a FriendWell my name is Laura and I was baptized by my parents into the catholic church when I was a baby. Im a cradle catholic. I was married 23 years. I was married in the church and had all three of my beautiful daughters baptized. My marriage was to a non catholic. He and I stuck thru so many things sometimes I cant believe we are legally divorced. Its so painful because now I’m so lonely severel depressed financially in a bind and a single mother to a seven year old. I have two older girls 22 and 20 one is at Notre Dame and one is at Georgetown. They both went to catholic school all their educational lives. I’ve been married but living the life of a single mother. My husband had drug issues when we were married. I thought I could change him, hes been in and out of rehab yet all these years I stuck by him. It was so bad that all his money would go to drugs and he would start abusing in front of the girls and start verbally assualting me. OUr marriage lasted it seems thru all this I prayed I cried I reminded myself until death do you part, for better or for worse. Well he got worse and started not coming home for several months but I remained committed to my marriage. I was working and home with the girls. He would dump off his dirty clothes pick up his clean clothes that I washed an folded then would leave on another drug spree. I tried and tired. I finally became so tired of the usual cycle of no money no support and him not around. I threatened divorce for several years and I told him I was no going to hell for divorce because of him. so I continued with the abuse and being taken advantage of. It was until he confessed to adultery with possibly 5 other women not one but 5 and who knows more during our marriage that was it. He then left one day and never came back. So I waited meanwhile we are the parents to a lovely 5 year old daughter at the time. He just one day took some clothes and left never came back. So I waited thinking this was the usual cycle and waited soon 6 mons went by so I filed for divorce. I proceeded with the hearings and he never came showed up to any until the very last one. He only came to say he didnt want to pay child support for my now 7 year old he didnt want visitation and that the child his daughter was better off with me. He also said that he didnt want any financial obligations to his two oldest daughters who are in college that they were over 18 and could support themselves. I was devastated. You dont know what it felt like to hear the guy you took care of all those year slap you and your children in the face who put up with the life of watching a drug addicted father say that. So now I’m alone official divorced a year with a 7 year old daughter trying to make ends meet he lost his job and is not working so doesnt pay a single dime. Im trying to model to my 7 yr old that you must still have faith. I started seeing a guy who is 15 years older than me and hes jewish. First we became friends and now we seem to be getting serious. Hes going thru a divorce also but Im trying to keep my head above all the feelings and do what the church teaches. Its so hard I feel like a hypocrite sometimes. When you have been married that long and put up with the abuse for so long it really damages you. Im telling my story because deep down I know if Job could do it I can. I pray I do the Roasay, I have Holy Water at home I have pictures and Statues yet none of that could have prepared me for the hell I went thru. I have many dark nights of the soul where I feel so unworthy and alone and ASHAMED at how my marriage turned out. I feel like everyone in my parish looks at me diffrently because my husband and I are now divorced. They all knew he had issues. Im trying is all I can say I’m trying not to given in for my three girls sake I’m fighting the battle with the devil everyday because he took my husband. I am not going to let him destroy my and my childrens lives.
When Divorce Happens to Catholics
by Leticia Velasquez in Marriage on Thursday, July 16, 2009 6:00 AM
Divorce is a terrible thing … a heartbreaking experience. When children are involved, it’s even more heartbreaking and terrible. I should know. I am divorced. I am also a Catholic.
The Catholic Church shows some of its immense wisdom when it proclaims that marriage is a lifelong commitment and divorce should not take place. And it shows Christ’s mercy and compassion by welcoming Catholics who are divorced.
But not all Catholics realize this. There are misconceptions regarding divorce and the Catholic Church.
Misconceptions and Judgment
It’s difficult to experience the death of your marriage and, then, divorce. If you’re a practicing Catholic, these experiences have an added measure of pain and guilt. The misconceptions and the judging sometimes done by other Catholics, add yet more pain and guilt. All of this can drive Catholics from the Church when they most need to be embraced by it.
My 20 year marriage ended in divorce. This is not something I wanted. I fought it, but one spouse cannot hold a marriage together. However, one spouse can destroy a marriage and push a divorce through—gone are the days when both spouses needed to consent to a divorce or it wouldn’t take place.
Alone
As a practicing Catholic with four children, my divorce was devastating on several different levels, not the least of which was the thought that, in order to remain a practicing member of the Catholic Church, I might have to be alone for the rest of my life.
Alone ... it’s a frightening thought. As a Catholic, I knew I wouldn’t be allowed to remarry in the church without first receiving a Declaration of Nullity (an annulment). To remarry without receiving an annulment is considered adultery – a grave sin. What were the chances that a marriage of 20 years, which took place in the Catholic Church and had been blessed with four children, would be found to not have been sacramental? Even dating before receiving an annulment is wrong because, in the eyes of the church, the marriage still exists. While this position of the Catholic Church makes a great deal of sense, it’s very misunderstood and ends up being one more painful issue for many divorced Catholics.
A Painful Process
Then there’s the divorce process, which is demeaning for anyone, but especially a stay-at-home mom. I was made to feel that I’d taken advantage of my husband financially all those years (this from the lawyers, even my own!). I was also told I needed to get a job ASAP. No matter that I was still homeschooling my young children. No matter that I was in school trying to prepare myself for a decent job. No matter that this would create more stress in my children’s lives at a time when they needed less.
I tell you these things to give a glimpse into what it’s like for a Catholic mom to experience divorce. My story is not unique. On the contrary, some suffer much more, at the hands of their spouse, lawyers, their spouse’s family, and ... their fellow Catholics.
Can a person be divorced and still be Catholic?
Yes. Divorce does not result in excommunication (a common misconception!). Also, it is not a sin to divorce. Of course, there can be a pile of sins leading up to divorce, but that’s not what I’m talking about here … divorce itself is not a sin.
Can a Catholic be divorced and still be respected?
The answer to this should be “yes.” I’m happy to say that, as far as my relationships with other Catholics who I knew before the divorce and, also, those with whom I became acquainted after the divorce, I’ve never been treated disrespectfully. However, I know that many have very different experiences. I’ve heard from divorced Catholics who no longer feel comfortable at mass. I suspect that a lot of these feelings come from within these individuals, but I’m also pretty sure that some have actually been snubbed by other Catholics.
So what am I trying to do here? I am trying simply to reach out to you ... Catholic moms. To give you just a small idea of what it’s like to be divorced and Catholic. And, to ask for your understanding and compassion. If you know someone who is divorced or going through divorce, make them feel welcome in your life and in your church. Lend a helping hand, if possible. Chances are, they’re devastated and just getting through a day is a huge challenge. Doing that and caring for children can sometimes seem an impossible task.
They will get through the hell they’re experiencing – with time, with help and with faith. Welcome them so that their faith can grow.
—Manya Held is author of DivorcedCatholicMoms.com, a blog dedicated to the support of Catholic moms who have experienced the devastation of divorce and want to know where they stand in the Catholic Church and how to remain true to their faith.
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Comments
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I agree with many of the points in this blog. However, I would like the clarification that this is not the Catholic tradition and but the Roman Catholic dogma. There are other Catholic churches that allow the marriage of Catholics who are divorced and do not follow the same rules in regard to this issue. The American National Catholic Church is one such institution. They are inclusive Catholic faith community that accepts , among other “outcasts” divorced Catholics, co-habitating couples, members of the LBGT community, to name a few disenfranchised members of the Roman Catholic Church.
It may be a viable way for some to practice their faith in an all inclusive environment.
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