Rachel, thank you for bringing up this topic.  My comments are not intended to contradict yours, but to discuss a different dimension of the same issue.

What I see underneath this issue are two things: first, know your child.  Study child development if you want to (Ames and Ilg are very helpful here), but definitely study your child.  Know what he is capable of doing.  Society might expect every child of age two, or three, or four, or six, or eight, to be able to do certain things, but social norms are developed by consensus of the majority, and the majority can be wrong.

Second, keep in mind that our goal is to help our kids **love God**.  A child who is compelled to constantly stretch himself to behave in a way in which he is barely able to behave, or, worse yet, punished for not being able to do what he legitimately cannot do, at Mass, is not going to learn to rest in the presence of God. At Mass with his family, first and foremost, he is learning what it’s like to be in the presence of God.  We parents represent God to him.  The Lord is kind and merciful.  Are we? 

Finally, Rachael, I sympathize.  My husband and I sat in the hall with our five-year-old son yesterday during Mass while our older kids sat together inside (as you do for your little son).  The little guy could not sit still.  Yet at times during his incessant movement, he would kneel, fold his hands, and appear to be praying, or at least thinking about God, and he prayed some of the prayers and responses along with us, by choice.  We met him where he was, developmentally, as you did for your son,and he felt happy in the presence of God.  That, I think, is what God does for me, so I feel compelled to do the same for my kids.  (Please do not think that I suppose I carry out this goal perfectly, but I try.)

My sympathy, to the young moms just starting out, and to the veteran moms who have spent decades in the hall at Mass.  It truly is difficult, as Rachael said. One great value of Rachel’s article is that she helps the rest of us know that it is okay to admit how hard this is.  If we think “this should not be so hard”, we might start to doubt ourselves and be tempted to react harshly to our child, or berate ourselves for not finding the experience of Mass with young children to be easy.  When we are reassured that it’s okay to feel that this is difficult, it’s easier to accept it gracefully and be charitable toward ourselves and our children.

Thanks again, Rachel, for another compassionate and wise look at family life.

Rachael, just imagine how you might feel if you are the mom looking up at the altar and the priest there is your son!    I am thankful for all our priests, and I am also thankful for their mothers.  Many of them will tell you that it is the prayers and works of their mothers and grandmothers that contributed to their saying “yes” to their call. 
We had a discussion about the “loud” Masses over Thanksgiving.  My mom, and my aunt and myself all agreed that Masses when we were growing up were quieter.  It is obviously not because there are more kids now - each family is actually bringing less children to church.  My mother contributes it to two factors:  less discipline by the parents, or parents who will not take a child out of church, and she also said that more families try to all go to Mass together - she and my father spent years alternating while the other stayed home with smaller children.  I vote for families attending Mass together if at all possible - even if it is a little louder for the rest of us, unless a child is at the particularly challenging stage (which might be one, two, three, or four depending on the child).

Rachel, I am so with you.  The difference is, my wigglers are 6, 7.5, and almost 8 yrs.  They were all adopted internationally and joined our family at age 3 or older.  My kids have sensory processing issues and more.  There are weeks when I wonder whether I am ever going to hear an entire homily, or get through an entire Mass without getting really frustrated.  I sure wish I had any denomination of money for the number of times I have said, “shh” or heard the question before the homily is even over, “how much longer is it? This is sooooooo boring!” I’d certainly be rich even if I was gathering pennies.  However, recently I have seen some real progress with my nearly 8 yr old.  He’s been attending Mass for 4 yrs.  This school year we are homeschooling him part time and so three days per week he’s home and my husband tries to take him to daily Mass at least twice in a week.  It’s really helped! The shorter Mass, the smaller environment (daily chapel), fewer distractions, have helped him to develop more of an interest in the Mass.  I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Whew!

I know just how you feel, both the good and bad feelings. I remember the four year old I had to drag out of church, working the sympathies of the crowd by crying “don’t spank me, mommy, don’t spank e.” although by then I’ll be half the congregation was thinking, Yeah! spank him! give it to him good!”  He too became an altar boy, a very devout young man, and, now in the military, tells me he is thinking about becoming a priest. You can make it Rachel!  We’re all pullin’ for ya’!

How timely! After Sunday mass I was (half) joking with my husband that if we had another “mass like that” I may develop a twitch…. Our ‘Henry’ is only 17 months old so it’s a completely different stage of squirminess. While we certainly wouldn’t expect him to sit silent and reverent for an hour, it would be nice to hear the new translation of the mass over the wrestling, whining and crying.  We don’t have a nursery available during our mass, our narthex has recently been ripped apart due to construction, and my husband and I have personal issues with our church’s cry room (a whole other conversation). So we opt to sit right up front and grin ‘n bear it. When things get particulary bad we do head out the side doors to the baptismal room. But what I find most comforting is the number of parishioners who stop to offer words of encouragement (or praise when appropriate) and thank us for bringing the kiddos to mass and having them in the pews with us. Often they share their own “been there, done that, got the tshirt” stories which help remind me that one day in the future my husband and I will be the older couple, holding hands, praying the rosary before mass (not the couple strategically placing diaper bags, coats, and Bibles in easily accessible locations as though preparing to hunker down for battle).....

Oh my!  Thank you for sharing.  I had just finish reflecting on my behavior yesterday and it dawned upon me that I had no compassion for my loved ones and not even tried to serve them in the name of Christ.  (It was homework and dinner time.)  Yet, when I read this article, all I can see and feel is compassion for this little one.  Thank you for sharing and reminding me.  So many times I have dreaded attending Mass because I rarely get to focus on the homily.  I would joke to loved ones:  “I come out with bigger horns than what I came in with.”  Our children are 7 y, 5y and 2ish.  We don’t have a crying room or childcare and I can see the benefits of that.  Bottom line:  they need to be taught through instruction and especially by example.  I feel for the mommies (& daddies) who are dealing with a difficult child during Mass.  So hang in there & thanks again for being honest!

I so agree with the poster who said it is important that we admit how hard this can be on us as moms!  Just after my youngest got old enough to sit still and I could really enjoy a Mass, I started babysitting a toddler who now comes to morning Mass with me one day a week.  It helps me remember what it was like in the trenches

Beautiful, Rachel! I always joke with people that I’ve spent more time in the narthex over the last 16 years of parenting than I have in the church.  But it’s all about keeping it in perspective.  I love what you said about seeing your older boys serving and what one commenter said about imagining one of them up there as the priest.  Wow, wouldn’t that just be the icing on the cake, and just like God to bring it all to that point!  Just need to keep reminding ourselves of the big picture!

I don’t have any kids yet so I am commenting as an “outsider”, ok? And I am fully aware that when mine will be born I will find them special and amazing as any other parent does.  I only hope not to be so blind as to excuse them of every bad behavior and blaming the world for not seeing them as amazing beings the same way I do. 

I bet noisy kids can be frustrating to their parents but it is a lot more irritating to the rest of the assembly, as the parents are not the only ones affected by all the distraction. And I bet it can be extremely difficult for children up to 8 years old to feel minimally engaged at mass anyway - it is difficult for many adults too, some are always chatting during mass times and have their cell phones ringing during blessings . And before you start to throw stones at me for calling your kids irritating (and let’s face it, for the rest of the world, that is exactly what they are), I don’t think parents are to blame or, even less, their kids. I think every parish is responsible to find ways to keep children engaged at mass and to learn about it. There will always be kids of all ages at every mass, anywhere around the globe, so I am not talking about exceptions here: this is a certainty.

I attended Catholic schools from the age of 4 until 17, and masses at school were at least once a week, during normal hours. Kindergarten masses were every Monday at the beginning of the day, and I always looked forward to those as we had to each take a flower to offer to Our Lady at the altar at the beginning of each mass. We felt special doing that. Those masses were short and the priest addressed to us, children, speaking in a language accessible to us. Scored! Silence and everybody paying attention to the altar at ages 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10 and not even one parent on site.

My parish was always a very engaging one, so every Sunday at 5pm there were Children’s Masses, prepared with children in mind. We would be encouraged to sit all together at the front rows, away from our parents, and face to face with the altar. It can be intimidating to look at the priest if you are behaving badly. The homily was done in a way to grab children’s attention, there were stories with a moral end relating to the readings of the day. Absolute silence, while illustrations were projected at the wall helping the comprehension.  The next day, at school, children would be talking about the story told on Sunday, and on Friday they would all look forward to go to mass again on Sunday to hear a new story and to meet their school friends. Children learned how to appreciate mass, behave accordingly and understand what is that all about. Explaining to a child what mass is about in the same way you would explain to an adult not only won’t make any sense in her mind, as it will sound just as a boring obligation - and this is certainly not what we intend to.

A lot later in life I ended up working with an Indian nun. Christianism is many times prosecuted in India, and Catholicism is even a much smaller group, so people have to really bond together to keep their faith strong and community is everything in such cases. Sr. Arun then told me that at every mass, in any parish, they have a nun responsible for the children. They are not locked away at an aquarium in the back of the church, but they all go and sit together at the front rows, with the nun, who then will guide them through mass.

Just a suggestion for all the parents of young kids… sit up front where your child(ren) can see what is going on.  It worked with me, and my siblings, and I found it worked with nieces, nephews and our own (for awhile, like their teen years).

It may not work for all, but a suggestion to try, since it does work with a few.