Great column, Kate! Thanks for sharing this, and for articulating so beautifully some of the best aspects of the vocation of motherhood.

Thank you for this!  I have recently fallen hard in this at-home life and really needed this reminder and encouragement to enjoy all the “negatives” instead of reminding myself that this phase will pass.

Boy, have I been humbled.  Thanks for the post and opening my eyes.  I just have one via adoption and I’m guilty of “I can’t wait until she’s 18 and out of the house.”  (She’s only 6, but a very hyper one, and a girl at that!)  I really need to count my blessings.  I use to think I never understood why anyone would want a huge family because it seemed like such a drudgery, but Faith and Family Live! and being a Catholic convert has really opened my eyes to the blessings of the vocation of motherhood.  I guess there was a reason my husband and I couldn’t conceive and wouldn’t naturally have a big family.  We didn’t adopt until we were in our 40’s.  I really do see the beauty of large families now.

I think you left one out: “Payback time!” When I was pregnant with our first, I lived near my mother and heard this—and once was more than enough! I was floored at the attitude, and the implication of harbored resentment toward her own kids. At one of the most stressed times of my life, she essentially said I deserved everything I found difficult because of what kind of baby I’d been (an ordinary one). Callous comments from strangers are indeed a nuisance, but I’ve found the “payback” perspective and remarks to be very hard to forgive. Any suggestions?

My family talks about the ‘Mother’s curse’; “May you have a child Just Like You!” uttered in exasperation when a child is being particularly frustrating.  And my mom has been amused that my oldest is indeed Just-Like-Me in certain areas .

In my mom’s case such comments are meant to be empathic and encouraging ‘I went through the same thing and everything went well’  ‘I handled it and so can you’  rather then being a sign of hidden resentment.

After all the Mother’s curse (or back of payback) can also be a blessing,  you deserve every bit of joy that your children give you.

My oldest being Just-Like-Me in certain wayts has also meant great joy as well as frustration.  My payforward for my parents parenting has been enjoyable more then miserable.

I don’t have a pithy retort for the “payback” line, but you surely will receive payback for all the love and nurturing you provide your children and for living your vocation to the best of your ability.

Great column! I will hate to see the days of little ones go away, as much work as they are! The pudgy thighs, the toothless grins, the willing hugs and “I love you’s.”

Someone once asked me how far apart my three boys were and then told me, “You remind me of me….you’ll be glad you had them boom, boom, boom.” (there are two years between my first and second and two years between my second and third!) meaning then you get to be done (as if I’m only going to have 3!) I didn’t know what positive thing I could have said back to her….but “Motherhood is not a jail sentence” is exactly what I was thinking!!!

Wonderful Kate. I absolutely love it. =) So true. My venture to three will soon be here.

Dear anon4, I would urge you to forgive for your own sake, or it will make you resentful and angry.  The only way to peace is forgiveness.  These people have something wrong with them i.e. it’s their problem - not yours.  The Our Father gives us a good reason to forgive.  May God bless you and help you.

Now we moms are not saints just yet (but working on it!), but perhaps people don’t understand how we don’t find it burdensome being “tied down” by nursing, homeschooling, stay-at-home-mothering of large families, etc. the same way that people did not understand how St. John Vianney (pray for us during this Year of the Priest!) considered himself a slave to +Jesus & Mary.

On several occasions I have had people look at my baby and say “Oh, they are so sweet at that age!  Then they get to be this age (pointing to their toddler) and they turn into monsters!”  I always feel sorry for the child, hearing their mother say that they are terrible.  I generally respond something along the lines of “There are joys and challenges at every age, but I haven’t found an age yet that I don’t like.”  (I have children ages 1 to 15.)  My mom used to tell me that she used to think “Oh, I love this age.  Why can’t they stay this age?”  But then we would grow and she would think the same thing again at every age.  She said once that she would have liked to have one of every age of each of us.  I think the house would have been too small!

Oh Kate - you did it again! How do you know the feelings of my heart so well! I detest those words of “you just wait” “payback” and apologetic, sorry faces. How dare you compare my child, made in their Maker’s image (and most likely the purest physical form of God that can exist on this planet…they are so pure, innocent, dependent on Someone to care for them) to a problem I’ll “survive.” They grow up so fast, of course I desire to have many! I don’t have enough time to nurture that facet of God!!

If that is a life sentence, then sign me up! No parole!

You tell them Kate, and THANK YOU!!

I don’t think we “pay our dues”.  This is our vocation. What I do not understand is why people say “when they get older it gets easier”.  In some ways yes, but in a lot of ways, NO!  It’s wonderful to be a Mom, but honestly, sometimes I did need some of that “down time”, which was difficult to come by.  I had 3 little ones under 4 at once.  It was hard, but I never complained. (At least not out loud!)  We also have to remember that being a Mom is a constant prayer.  WE may think our spiritual life is going down the tubes, but it really isn’t, it has just taken on a different form.  Great article Kate!

I think those comments stem from the general lack of value that our society places on children, sadly. 

I am one of those Catholic mothers with 8 children, and I can tell you “younger” mothers that I quickly went from an impatient young mother of 4 children under 5 to a middle aged woman begging God for “just one more” after each new baby.  At 45, my youngest is now 21 months and I think he probably is the last, although I would welcome another.  My oldest will graduate from highschool this coming year and go off to college, and I am already tearing up at the thought.  So just appreciate this time, as it really is fleeting.  I wish I had the perspective that I do now when my older children were little.

I’ve been told by relatives that I received the blessing of “I hope you have children just like you”.. now in those most difficult moments I tell my children “I hope your children don’t have moments like this, I hope they are loving, respectful and kind”, then I pray for them and my ability to parent…  Dh was apparently a very easy child, he has asked why he has to live my curse (but not in front of the chldren)... 

Wow, I finally got to your post.  As I was reading everyone else’s it seemed to shut me down into thinking “am I the only one feeling this way?” until I came to yours.  Although I am not totally at where you are, I am close to it.  I feel your pain.  I have 6 kids under age 8 and it is tough, tough tough.  I have been criticized immensely by my loved ones, my family, for my husband and I being open to life.  I have often wondered why I have no great friendships to create support and help.  It is lonely out there for me.  yeah, I have some friends but not ones I can lean on to help me out taking a child or 2 for a few hours to give me some relief.  There are not many out there who really and truly know what goes on to a mom of many little ones.  Many little ones.  And probably not many even offer b/c they may think my kids are not the best behaved.  I don’t blame them for not wanting them over if that is their reason but how am I to pull myself together and get some relief to be a more equipped Mom if I dont’ have some down time?!  I feel I pull my hair out every day and play referree to my kids. they fight and argue so much.  Sometimes they are great kids and people say nice things to us about them.  I feel proud but most of the time they are home b/c i homeschool them too and what I deal with and what I see is not alwasy the good kids, the behaved, kind and loving but the opposite and that wears me down bigtime!  I have tried everything w/discipline and punishment, charts, positive reinforcement…yadda yaddaa yaddaa.  i am tired.  I am wiped out.  I want to be the good Catholic Mom but I struggle to the degree I just don’t want to do it anymore.  Although I know God doesn’t give me anything I can’t handle.  But, it is close to it then.  I agree w/all those quotes you quoted too.  It is so true and I agree w/it but its totally diffferent living it.
Let me tell you.  I loved what Kate had to say, from the ideal point.  But reality is…well, what I immediately thought was “ok, she has only 3 kids and they are girls.”  there is a BIG difference w/girls and boys.  Try having 4 BOYS and 2 GIRLS!  I think she doesn’t get the whole deal b/c really…she has girls! and 3 of them!  I thought it was tough when i had only 3…what was I thinking!!!???
Don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I am going to walk away from my marriage or family.  But it sure feels like I need to zone out.  To get away for a while.  i don’t kow what the “while” means. But I know I need a break.  As you mentioned, it’s unfair.  You betcha. I know that this vocation is my path to holiness.  I know its my way to sanctity.  I know it’s God’s Will.  But to be totally real- the reality is that I am sick of it.  I am sick of being someone I never was.  SOmeone who is cranky, yells, screams, vulgarness,unhappy. I am surely not who I used to be in the negative aspect.  I have become who I do not like.  That’s whats real.  Really.

Oh Anons,
you both sound so fried.  For me, and I only have 2 toddlers (Boy/girl), the hardest part is sometimes feeling like my brain is turning to mush from endless verses of Old McDonald.  My house and cooking will never be magazine worthy, unless it’s one of those articles on needing a make-over, and I don’t feel bad about it (usually).  I still invite people over for playdates/sanity breaks and figure if my house isn’t up to their standards, so what.  One thing that helps me is to go to Mass alone on Sat. am as much as possible.  My husband and kids have breakfast together and I get fed in a way I so need.  Maybe your husband can make this possible for you on a day that he doesn’t have to be gone early.  I’lll be praying for you both.  My Mom (raised 10) always said our house is clean but lived in and we’re raising kids, not grass when folks would comment on the cluttered house and beaten down yard—she felt you couldn’t do it all and still keep sane.

Oh Anons, I’ve been there (this morning, in fact). Believe it or not saccharine-sweet-motherhood-is-nothing-but-bliss-and-roses-Kate deals with the same emotions and feelings you write about, and this feature and all my writings only give a brief snippet into my life (trust me, berry stains on the carpet are not my only mothering challenge). I just try to focus on the positive in my public writings (though those who know me best will tell you I’m much more of a brooder than a bubbly blond!). There’s enough sludge out there without me adding to the pile.

As Maureen alluded to, I have to constantly be spiritually fed, to fall down on those knees, and to make the difficult, daily choice to see motherhood as more than just hard, unfair, or as penance. But when I do make the right choice (which again is something I face daily and sometimes by the minute and I’m constantly failing), I do feel free and a sense of calm in the wake of maternal frustrations.

And perhaps we are “paying our dues” for a chance to spend eternity with the Holy One.

You are in my prayers.  God bless.

I know I wrote my previous post late last night.  The only time I could be by myself.  But as I slept on it and began to think more and more about it this morning, I have to come to the conclusion of a few points:
1.  I mentioned I feel lonely-there are no other at home moms in my neighborhood, let alone homeschooling moms.  Life is different now.  “Different than it used to be” even in a sense “harder than it used to be”.  The glances and waves are not there.  Many hide behind the (uh!) computer to build ‘relationsips’ and trust.  What is that all about! Not very real.
2.  The support of other stay at home moms, the quick 1/2 hour playing with neighborhood children is not here for me.  Those even quick playdates, unplanned, are just the recipe to change the dynamics of the children-reduces incredible amounts of fighting etc… The only other children are very “iffy” so we do not socialize w/them.  This is my day of constant 6 children and me, the Mom.  Playdates are rare these days b/c of ages/sexes of the kids don’t mix too well.  Goes to show you that even if another mom and I get along great but our kids don’t, then no more playdates.  Just the way it is.  This is a huge issue for me since I know it is very important to be w/ other children.  I pray and ask God to send them our way.  We are looking and waiting.
3.  The battle of parenting ‘this way’ vs. ‘that way’ is enromous!  Second guessing my way of parenting astounds me.  The books overwhelm me.  Just look at the local bookstore in parenting section.  Pick and choose what works best still is very confusing and does not build much confidence in parenthood.  If there was just one way that works best.  Which leads to #4.
4.  Family support and motherly advice is not there-they do not understand why we have so many children or why we homeschool or (let’s be blatant) Catholicism.  So, there is no good advice on what to do in a moment, leaving me to choose a way that I learn long afterward was not good.  It drives me nuts to see other moms who have mothers who SUPPORT and UNDERSTAND and HELP OUT.  It drives me nuts to see other families who carpool to events to make it happen for them.  Do they offer us? No.  Do they take me up on the offer to carpooL?  No.  I dont’ mean to be so depressing but it is what it is.  I am being real here.( Wow, I guess I wrote this more for #2).  Family-No family that live around me so I have no support, even a little amount of picking up milk at the store for me or watching the kids so I can get to the dr.  Whatever.  It is what it is, I suppose. I do not like it but I have no other choice than to accept.  I am tryinig to accept. This is so hard.

As for going to Mass, my husband is wonderful in that I can get to Saturday Masses, sometimes alone sometimes with a child or 2.  It is great.  But, even with that and some down time for myself, I still long for more.  I still long to get away for a little bit each day.  But our life does not give that to me.  Right now.  It is my cross and I am bearing it not very good as you can see.  I will pray for you too. Thanks.

The last few posts I have read have really tugged at my heart strings.  We have 8 children between (almost) 20 and 1.  I won’t get into the whole “been there, done that” thing.  Society demands a lot from women today.  Even the stay-at-home ones.  In turn we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to measure up.  First, the Catholic church does say if you have grave reasons for abstaining that you should.  I think some moms just need the break to regain some composure and sanity.  God doesn’t want you to be so overwhelmed to not be able to enjoy the treasures he has blessed you with.  Haven’t you ever heard “if Mom ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy” saying?  I can totally relate!  Second, we tried homeschooling for a time.  I had 4 “students” at the time and 2 others.  God bless those women who homeschool every year without fail.  They are truly saints.  I love my children very much, but they need to be at school.  I am able to enjoy the younger ones and really spend quality time with them.  And then the younger ones are more patient when the big kids get home and I need to give them my undivided attention.  It is a great balance for us.  We used to send our kids to Catholic school but it became much too expensive and the academics just didn’t measure up to the local public school and all the honors classes they offered.  My children are very happy and have been very successful.  Those of you who are afraid to put your kids out there in the world because you don’t think other people raise their kids like you do with the same morals and values you might just be surprised.  I went to Catholic school my whole life and was very judgemental toward the public schools.  We were in some sense brainwashed by the Catholic schools into believing that the publics were immoral and evil.  My children have for the most part have good morals and values and are attracted to those children that are most like them.  My kids have made great choices in friends so far and I have been pleasantly surprised.  A long-time friend of mine pulled her kids out of the local Catholic school just shortly after we did and told me that she was putting her kids into the “mission field”.  She wanted her children to make a difference in the public school.  She wanted them to set the example for others to follow.  Her and her husband had set a great foundation and the kids now needed to build upon that. 

I will continue to pray for each of you.  “This too shall pass” is a great way to think about where you are in your parenting.  If you are frustrated and unhappy, just think about this being temporary and you will be able to look back on this time and feel even stronger.  Like I said in the beginning of this post…been there, done that.  God bless!!

Dear Kate,
My own mom gave me the best advice when my boys (four boys under the age of 5) were younger. Quite often my mom would say to me, “These are the best years of your life.” It would usually be when I was exasperated over something, but of course, she was right. To be your child’s world is a great blessing. Awesome responsibility, too, but a “job” like no other. Yesterday I came across the quote from Blessed Mother Teresa, “Motherhood is the gift of God to women.” It is! Unfortunately some people don’t readily accept or appreciate the gift. Obviously, you do.

You have girls; I have boys, but the rudeness of some people is downright universal then as now. It’s no one’s business how many children a mom has, or whether they are boys or girls. To this day I remember when I was very pregnant with my last boy, with other three boys in tow: I was at a hardware store and the woman cashier said, “Where’s your girl?” With the look on my face my husband thought I was going to punch her! I do wish I had said to her, “She’s in heaven. She was really my oldest, but you don’t know that do you? She died when she was eight months old. You got any other questions you want to ask me?” Maybe that would have shut her up and made her realize the inappropriateness of her words. Some people are just clueless, not necessarily hurtful on purpose; they just don’t get it.

I, for one, applaud your efforts in raising your family. We have to live in this world, but we don’t have to be of this world. Keep doing what you’re doing how you’re doing it, Kate. I look forward to reading more of your posts.
Maureen Locher

To the anons:

Not sure if this is helpful or if you’ve already tried it, but A Mother’s Rule of Life by HOlly Pierlot really helped me reduce my stress and decrease my anger.  Also, this may not be you at all, but I know for myself, I am one of those people who don’t like to ask for or even accept help, and I’ve had to decide to humble myself by asking for help when I need it even if I don’t think the person “owes me” in some way and accepting help even when I know the person offering it doesn’t really want to help me and is going to be annoyed that I accepted! 
I’ll pray for peace for you.

Well said, Kate. I feel like cheering or something. You are so right about this. Motherhood is truly a blessing. Yes, it can be chaotic and crazy, but it’s a wonderful kind of chaos.

Thank you so much for sharing this message of positivity, of hope, and of truth.

Thank you for this post. I’m in the same boat as you. My husband and I were very excited about this child and I was going to stay home and it would be great. I, too, think that my education has made me a worse mom because I am so unsatisfied. At this point, I’d feel like a job would be a vacation. And I’m sick of motherhood plattitudes as well.

Even still, I enjoyed this article and find negative motherhood comments more discouraging than anything.

AnonToday: Please check out this site: neonatal.ttuhsc.edu/lact and also kellymom.com for scientific information on taking anti-depressant medication while nursing.

When depressed and suffering from OCD several months postpartum, I saw a psychiatrist who told me “The only problem is, you can’t nurse while taking these medications.” I replied, “That’s not true” and told him what I had read about the research. He backed down immediately from his claim but told me something about potential (generally minor) side effects to the baby which I also found not quite in keeping with what I had read—and I told him that too. Then he said he had a lot of patients who nursed while taking this medication and he’d never seen any side effects in the baby. Grr that it took about 90 seconds from being told I’d have to stop nursing to take this medication he thought I so badly needed, to being told he had patients who nursed and took them and all was well! (This was an openly Catholic doctor btw.)