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Email a FriendPosted by THE FLORIDIAN SMILING on Thursday, Jul 22, 2010 12:08 PM (EDT):
One q: What about wives nagging their husbands? These kids learn it from somewhere? Or husbands nagging their wives?
Nag No More
Obnoxious Behavior Should Not Be Rewarded
by Dr. Ray Guarendi in Family on Thursday, July 22, 2010 6:00 AM
Q. How can I keep my kids from nagging? They hammer away at me until I either cave in or lose my temper. And the more tired I get, the harder they push.
A. Nagging illustrates a great paradox of parenthood. The more parents nag, the less kids respond. The more kids nag, the more parents respond. The reality is: If nagging didn’t work, kids wouldn’t do it. Kids realize this after a few years of life. Parents realize it after a few kids.
The art of nagging is elegantly simple: Use relentless words in pursuit of a goal. The short-term goal is to get what you want. The long-term goal is to soften Mom or Dad’s resistance to future nagging.
Compared to parents, children are relatively powerless. They don’t have control over their environments like we do. So, through words — millions of them — comes their power to persuade. Kids count on our ears tiring long before their vocal cords do.
Let’s say you are considering granting Desiree a special treat or privilege. She can’t chance that you’ll make a decision based solely upon its merits, so she dramatically kicks up her level of pleading, begging and overall obnoxiousness. A good way to short circuit this verbal jackhammering is to say, “Don’t ask again, even once, or the answer will be ‘No.’ I need quiet time to think.”
Another prime nag time is in public. Kids smell when you’re parenting in fear of making a scene or of looking incompetent. That’s their “go” signal. It doesn’t take many nags to crack you in front of others, especially as the nags rise in volume. How to escape this? “For every time you ask me, you’ll sit five minutes at home.” Or, “Ask me once more, Avis, and we’ll have to leave.” Or, “Nag, and next time I won’t take you with me.”
If you feel you can reach deep within and tap an unused reservoir of resolve, you could practice ignoring all nagging words. After you’ve said “No” to “Mom, can I ride the triple-spiral demon a 17th time?” act as though Constance is no longer speaking. In time — anywhere between a minute and a decade — she will wind down.
If you’re like most of us parents and doubt your ability to stay oblivious for thousands of words at a time, or if you simply don’t want to hear it, you could implement a gag order: “Tucker, if you nag, you will nag in your room.” Or, “You will write 50 times ‘Nagging is not a good way to communicate.’” Would 50 times constitute written nagging?
One mother simply asked, “Are you nagging?” She was really saying, “Don’t nag, or there will be consequences.” The kids knew the consequences. They’d earned them a few dozen times before. “Are you nagging?” was sufficient to silence them.
—Dr. Ray’s new book is Adoption: Choosing It, Living It, Loving It. Go to DrRay.com for more information. This column originally appeared in our sister publication, the National Catholic Register.
Comments
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Posted by Cecilia on Thursday, Jul 22, 2010 2:08 PM (EDT):
My husband and I made a deliberate commitment not to nag before we married, and had kids after we’d had several yrs. of nag-free marriage, so I’m confident they didn’t learn it from us. They do nag & we’ve been really strict about them not doing it. We also are very deliberate about not complaining, but our oldest (7) is still finding that one hard, much harder than not nagging.
Posted by THE FLORIDIAN SMILING on Friday, Jul 23, 2010 1:03 PM (EDT):
It is usually from the wife nagging the hubby or the husband .. the wife. I see too many tourists down here and too many princha pesa up north princess tourist types down here nagging. It is either the hub or the wife nagging. Trust me. I have friends in the food and hotel industry. Usually it is the wife mandating that she and her kids have the biggest room at Mouse land, when they won’t be in the room. So, 200 bucks gets wasted b/c they are on the go allll the time while they are here. (*you know where mouse land is… sic sic) Then the hub has to work allll year to pay it off b/c of coercion and the fact that she will be on the phone bragging to her friends. This is needless and the kids pick up on this. Trust me, the whole fam looks like a buncha northern SPOILED OVERDONE BRATS. And the apple and the peach and guava doesn’t fall far from the arbol or tree.
Posted by Looking Below the Surface on Thursday, Jul 22, 2010 4:57 PM (EDT):
Dr. Ray did not address the **reason** for nagging.
Is a child nagging because she just wants her own way all the time, no matter what?
Or is there a genuine problem, e.g., a sibling is routinely hitting or teasing her and she needs help in dealing with that?
If she nags to go to the store with Mom, is it because she’s a middle child and needs more Mom time?
If he nags for a treat at the grocery store, is it because he didn’t have lunch before you left home, and he’s hungry now?
Is he using the method of nagging for something legitiamte, and has not figured out how to express his needs any other way because Mom hasn’t guided him to learn better ways of expressing himself? Does he know better and needs a reminder?
Dr. Ray’s answer focuses on STOPPING the nagging. I think it’s important to UNDERSTAND the nagging first. if a legitimate need is being addressed, I can say to my child, “I don’t like being asked that way, but I remember now that you didn’t have lunch before we left for the store. You must be hungry. What can we buy that’s not very expensive, but is also nutritious?” The child might be asking for candy; Mom can redirect to something else.
Posted by Looking Below the Surface on Thursday, Jul 22, 2010 8:11 PM (EDT):
He did give examples, but he never addressed the issue of what was upsetting the kids in the first place.
He used the example of nagging in public. Sometimes they nag in public just because they want Mom to but them something frivolous. My four-year-old recently asked me to buy a $20 skateboard at Aldi, for example. We have skateboards at home; he just saw it and liked it. I said no, he nagged, I ignored the nagging and finished shopping as quickly as possible. However, sometimes kids nag in a store because they’re tired, they’re hungry, they’ve been there for longer than they can handle, etc. There’s a physical problem which needs to be addressed. I have had times when I’ve been at the store longer than expected, it’s suddenly lunch time, and the kids are hungry. At those times, I need to decide to either buy something to eat, or get home quickly and feed them. They’re nagging due to a legitimate need, not just a desire for a toy, so I need to address the need.
Posted by Dairymom on Friday, Jul 23, 2010 3:01 PM (EDT):
I’m pretty good about saying “no” but then what if your kids act the “victim” when others are around because they are feeling sorry for themselves?
This irritates me more than anything. I am not an overbearing, impossible, parent, but my kids do this sometimes and it really gets under my skin. I try to not to act phased, but is there something to tell them?
One example: Kid: Can we go swimming? (They just went yesterday.)
Parent: Sorry, not today. We need to get your supplies for school.
Moping.
Kids: Repeated request.
Parent: Sorry, the answer is No. Don’t ask again.
Kid around church friend, visibly moping and acting despondent.
Church Friend: Oh my goodness! What’s the matter? Are you not feeling well?
Kid: We just never go swimming. My mother won’t let us go. She always says No.
Church Friend: I’m so sorry, want a cookie! ( exaggerated a bit)
Drives me crazy! How do I put an end to this “feeling sorry for themselves”?
Posted by Megan on Friday, Jul 23, 2010 10:02 PM (EDT):
Dairymom~
When my kids pull that, I remind them of when we DID do (insert privilege here… like swimming or getting ice cream) and then ask them if they’d like me to SHOW THEM what it is like to NEVER (insert same privilege here) EVER do that AGAIN. Because, I say, I will most certainly make sure it never happens.
That usually silences them. 
Posted by Lenetta on Sunday, Jul 25, 2010 10:00 PM (EDT):
Well said, Megan! :>) I’ve fallen into that trap myself, as an adult no less. (SIGH… I *never* get to go out to eat or shopping or [insert whatever here]...) Luckily I usually remember that isn’t really the case.
I am really enjoying Dr. G’s posts - keep them coming! I linked to this one on my weekly roundup - thanks!
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