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Email a FriendI thought I recognized this-I think you posted some of these suggestions on your blog Kate! But sadly I still feel lost on this issue. My two year old screams the entire Mass every week. Walking around the back of the church doesn’t cut it-we have to go somewhere out of hearing range to avoid being disruptive, and it can be disheartening. Honestly we’ve been going separately. It really does feel like I don’t get anything out of Mass when I spend the entire time outside where I can’t even hear what part they’re on. One week he didn’t start screaming until the first Bible verse. It was nice to stay in so long.
Do your girls play quietly and sit still for a whole hour at home too? My son sure doesn’t, (the only way he’s quiet for daily prayers is if I pray while nursing him! Otherwise he prays too-not that that’s bad either!) and I don’t know how to help him get there. I hate feeling like either he or I is somehow defective because I can’t keep him happy at Mass when so many other babies and toddlers seem fine with it.
Sunday Morning Scramble
by Kate Wicker in Faith on Wednesday, October 19, 2011 3:50 PM
Any parent knows Mass with defiant toddlers, wiggly preschoolers, and teething babies can be anything but peaceful.
Yet, even though celebrating Mass with little ones underfoot may sometimes leave something to be desired, you are being spiritually fed. And so are your children.
“[Baptism] places an indelible mark on the soul and opens the child to receive spiritual graces,” explains Melanie Bettinelli, a mom of two young daughters who’s expecting a baby in July. “Spiritually, children are already equipped to ‘get something’ out of Mass, not by me but by God. I firmly believe they do receive graces by being at Mass and that I receive graces by bringing them.”
Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me.” So let them come to Christ, using these survival tips:
Choose your seats wisely.
Although some parents prefer sitting in the back where they can make a quick exit if necessary, many find sitting up front is key to keeping kids’ attention. Another tip? Use peer pressure to your advantage. “We like to sit behind families who have well-behaved kids a few years older than ours. My daughters really look up to the older girls, so they mimic their Mass behaviors,” says Deidre Mundy, a mom of three little ones.
Beware of cry rooms.
If your child is being disruptive, it might be tempting to retreat to a cry room. But consider heading to the vestibule instead. “Cry rooms are usually pure chaos and aren’t really a valid option if you’re trying to teach your child proper behavior,” says Mundy. “It’s like saying, ‘You’re behaving badly, so I’m punishing you by making you spend the rest of Mass at the playground.’”
Make sure physical needs are met before Mass.
“Low blood sugar makes kids crankier, so feed your small children a nutritionally dense, high-protein snack before you leave the house. Cheddar cheese or peanut butter usually works for us,” Mundy says.
Bring along a kids’ “Mass survival kit.”
But do your best so steer clear of bringing a bag of toys to entertain your kids.
“I don’t bring toys or food,” Bettinelli says. “Babies can play with a plastic rosary or flip through a board book about the Mass or saints. I want them to learn that Mass is not a time for play but prayer.”
Make prayer a way of life.
We can’t expect children to be as pious as saints if the extent of their spiritual life is Sunday Mass. “Find ways of making your faith a part of the fabric of your daily lives. Especially engage children’s senses, with pictures, statues, holy water, and rosaries. Children are tactile and interactive,” Bettinelli says. “We’re so lucky as Catholics to have a liturgy that is so physical and so engaging and to have so many beautiful ways of making faith concrete and physical.”
Bettinelli also suggests encouraging children to use their body to worship. At home, practice the Sign of the Cross and genuflecting.
Encourage children’s participation to the best of their ability.
“We usually let our toddlers and preschoolers hold the hymnals for the family. We make sure every child gets a coin to put in the collection, and we teach them to shake hands politely,” Mundy says. This makes children feel like they’re a part of the celebration instead of just hapless bystanders.
Be realistic.
To be human is to be fallible, and children are little, naïve humans. Even if you do everything right, they’re going to sometimes stumble (and scream). When they do, know you’re not alone. “On really bad days, I say a prayer to the kids’ guardian angels or pray a few Hail Marys. Jesus was a wiggly-legged toddler once, too,” says Mundy. “If I have to, I take the kids to the back – where I bless them with holy water before and after their timeouts.”
Finally, remember God’s graces abound even amidst the chaos of parenthood. “I’ll be the first to admit Mass is not a restful experience like it often – but not always – was before I had children, “ Bettinelli says. “But I think God works through my obedience to Him, and perhaps a more restful experience would not be nearly so beneficial to my soul.”
—Kate Wicker is author of Weightless: Making Peace With Your Body. Visit her at KateWicker.com.
Resources:
- 20 Things You Can Do to Help Your Toddler Behave at Mass (Melanie Bettinelli)
- Magnifikid
image credit: Mom with Toddler
image credit: Baby Girl
Comments
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No offense to Kate, but it seems like this article should have the subtitle “7 Tips for Attending Mass With Young GIRLS.” I wonder, do these moms do things differently now that they have sons who are older than few months or in utero? I tried some of these things too and when they didn’t work, I felt guilty. At some point I realized that my sons just seem to be wired differently than girls, so what moms of girls suggest has to be suggest have to be modified.
I COMPLETELY agree—I think we need some son-friendly tips (though I love the protein tip)! I realized this when I went to mass a few weeks ago and noticed girls in pews quietly coloring and playing with dolls. Um . . . my twin boys color at home for maybe 2 minutes before they are on to something else! What do you do when boys get the squirmies? Do you have a know feet on the ground rule in the vestibule? We try to play with them outside before we go in.
I have a no feet-on-the-ground rule if I take my boys to the vestibule for misbehavior because I don’t want my children to get the idea that acting out gets them play time. I make exceptions for exceptional circumstances, of course, and if I can find an excuse to do something when he starts to get antsy, I do. (Change the baby, take the baby out to nurse, whatever.) On our worst days, I just want to run off to Eastern Europe and never attend another Mass in the Latin Rite. Divine Liturgy is so much more physical and my 3 year old really gets into it.
Crunchy Con Mommy, my son was only reliably quiet when nursing, so i just nursed right through Mass. My daughter, bless her, would be asleep by the homily. i also made a point with them, and also with a toddler I babysit and take to daily Mass sometimes, to give them a very thorough tour of the church and sacristy, and they help or “help” with things like putting away the offering baskets or putting the purificators where they go to be washed.
Please don’t condemn the cry rooms. For some of us it is the best option. My 2 year old daughter will not sit still or be quiet during Mass. She is very disruptive to those around us. The cry room at our church is not “pure chaos”. I don’t let her run around like she’s at a playground. But if she is loud, she’s not disturbing anyone. There is also a family in there who has an autistic child, and the father is constantly explaining want is going on during Mass to his son, saying prayers with him, and trying to teach him about Mass. He has no other option. Please, please, please stop equating cry rooms with a playground and insinuating that those parents who use them are somehow rewarding their kids for acting out. It’s not the case with everyone.
Certainly this is not always the case. I was visiting a parish whose cry room was quieter than the church and I felt like I had to take the baby out of the cry room when he cried. On the other hand, chaos exactly describes what the cry room at our parish is like. Kids running around, eating, playing loud video games, banging the windows, driving cars on the walls. Sometimes I have to take a child in there because they just aren’t behaving though (especially my 15 month old recently). They always seem to hit this stage where they get loud and uncooperative around when they learn to walk. As for the father with the autistic son, it sounds like it’s a perfect set up for him. You have to work with what you’re given. A friend recently told me she told her son that it’s the naughty room for crying kids and if he starts to act up she asks him if he wants to go to the naughty room. Seems to have worked for her.
I’m well beyond the point of taking toddlers to Mass but I don’t think “cry rooms” should be avoided at all cost. There are times when a baby needs to be taken out of Mass. Why beat mothers and fathers up for using this option? It’s one thing if your church doesn’t have one, but if they do, why not? I’m tired of this “all or nothing” approach to Mass going.
I found that my children were able to sit through the Mass around 3 to 4 years of age, regardless of how many Sundays they spent in Mass. By the time we had our youngest, my husband and I were much more flexible about going to Mass. Sometimes we went together as a family, sometimes we “tagged teamed” with a few of the older children. We understood that these times don’t last forever. And now that we have three teenagers in the house, we still tag team to Mass occasionally because of sports schedules. I think if you make it an all or nothing approach, it becomes way too difficult at times and it’s tempting to throw in the towel and stop going. My view has always been to remain flexible enough to follow the commandment to hear the Mass each week.
As for avoiding the cry room “at all cost” I have to say that I agree that not all cry rooms are bad places to take your kids. BUT most that I have been unfortunate enough to be in have parents who just talk with each & play loudly with their children and children who run around loudly enough that the rest of us can’t hear (even with the piped in mass) what is going on in the rest of the church.
My family has used the cry room on many occasions, but there are definitely times when it is better to totally avoid it. I don’t think the author meant to convey that there is never a time to be in a cry room, only that many times the atmosphere inside is not a good fit for moms who are still trying to be present at mass.
My kids are now 5-21, so these days are over for me.
I spent a LOT of years in the hallway, with the young ones who were not able to sit still.
The most important thing I wanted to establish in my children’s hearts was that
God=LOVE.
They needed to feel loved at Mass—not scolded, not miserable. It was worth sitting in the hall for 15 years and missing a lot of what was going on at Mass in order to have my kids feel happy about being there.
My advice is: do whatever it takes to make them feel loved at Mass, and therefore loved by God. Making sure physical needs are met, and having patience with them, are my favorites of all of Kate’s tips.
A few things…
This is a reprint and since having written it, I have four children (including a boy!), and Mass can be more problematic. (God continues to humble me.) I do sometimes only bring my older children (and my nursing baby) because my 2-year-old, who is also still occasionally nursing, asks very loudly for mama’s milk and does fidget. So please don’t think I have everything figured out or that we attend Mass as an entire family and that my children are perfect angels.
This article is meant to encourage and offer possible tips. I had no intention of piling on the guilt if you do things differently. These strategies have mostly worked for me. Also, when I wrote the original article, my husband was working a lot of weekends. Thus, I would not have been able to make it to the Lord’s table at all if I hadn’t gone with all the children. So I had to be resourceful. But I did spend a lot of Sundays chasing a child, sighing, and feeling somewhat exasperated.
As Angela wisely said, “Do whatever it takes to make them feel loved at Mass.” You’ll all receive plenty of graces if you try to do just that (although it does take a heroic effort on tough days).
God bless!
p.s. I also encourage folks to read the article I linked to below, which I wrote around the same time as the one that appears above. Here I argue why I still try to bring my young children to Mass - no, not every Sunday but when we can. Also, please remember every family is different. My husband is not Catholic, so if we don’t go as a family he doesn’t go. I want him there and believe he receives graces being with us. It really takes a lot for me to say let’s all go together when it would be easier to leave the little, fidgety ones at home with him. 
Anyway, this old article helps explain why I believe even the smallest ones belong at Mass: http://www.crisismagazine.com/2009/why-young-children-belong-at-mass
I absolutely agree that children should be in church as a rule. When Jesus comes to our altar, He brings heaven and His saints and angels with Him. My little children, never having committed actual sin, are saints too. It is sinful me that should be excluded, not them.
I’m an organist and my husband sings. It’s hard not to feel guilty when one spouse is doing something church related and the other spouse is left wrangling the kids. Luckily the culture in our area is very friendly to children in church, so the worst critics of young families tend to be the parents of the families themselves.
I can understand why you would want to sit closer to the front with pre-school age children, but I don’t think front and center is the best place to be. Most new churches have a half circle type seating and sitting in front off to one side is better than sitting right in front of the altar. That way you are not disturbing the entire church if your children misbehave or need to be taken out. I’ve seen parents walk out, front and center, with their children right in the middle of Father’s homily or during the consecration! This is disruptive for the entire church. Although it is smart to leave with loud children, there are more discrete ways of going about it.
Thank you for these practical suggestions, Kate - I really enjoy gathering tips from moms who have been in the trenches! I liked the link you included for Melanie’s list as well. As the comments above indicate, not everything will work for every family, and there are challenging seasons when it seems like nothing will work. But the effort matters, and in the long view, I like to think that the arc of our family will bend towards Mass being a meaningful part of our life together (to do a terrible riff on a great MLK quote, ha!).
The only thing I’d offer is that my son loves the Mass book I made for him - I brought my camera to church a few weekends when he was still a baby and took pictures of all sorts of things he would see at Mass (stained glass windows, the Gospel book, chalice, ciborium, priest’s chair, candles, statues, etc.) I stuck all the photos in a simple little album and every week we pull it out to name and point at what he sees. I keep meaning to tuck the camera in the diaper bag again to start snapping some photos after Mass of things that relate to all the liturgical seasons, b/c I think that would be a neat next-step to talk about with him. We’ve been using it for at least a year now, and it keeps the squirmy boy very interested - plus I figure it’s better for us to be talking in hushed tones about things that actually relate to church rather than reading “Go Dog Go” for the zillionth time. 
I also put in pictures from his baptism, so every week we get to talk about it again - which I love!
I love the DIY Mass book idea as well. Thanks so much for sharing!
Oh that is a great idea! Making a note to bring my camera tomorrow….
Love this post and am kind of responding to the moms with sons. I agree, totally different experience in Mass with my 2 1/2 year old son from my girls at that age. I try and talk to him in a soft whisper to tell him what is going on. For right now it’s been working during consecration that he has to be quiet so Jesus can come and then he has to stay quiet so Jesus can hear Father talking to Him. I try to make it “exciting” on his level by holding my breath at consecration time like we’re waiting for something (which we are). But it works and it helps me be more aware of what is happening too. It’s not perfect, we were at a wedding and my son wound up calling out “Hi, Jesus!” right after consecration, but maybe we’re on the right track.
Oh, I think that is precious. Out of the mouths of babes.
I also think that it’s harder with multiple boys as I’ve found out with my last two because they tend to feed on each other, even if one is being quiet. I rarely found that happen with my daughters or the sons inbetween the girls. I’ve found that attending daily Mass helps tremendously since it’s shorter and they know what to expect. Not to mention that other parishioners look for us and are more accepting.
Don’t know if this would really work for anyone else but my husband is a deacon assigned to our parish and he will comment to the boys if he saw them acting up during Mass so I’ve told the kids that their dad as well as Father can see everything that they do.
I would add four tips that I found VERY helpful when I had little ones.
1. Try to make that Mass hour a quiet time at home every day, too. If you go to Mass at 10 a.m., then every morning at 10 a.m. begin an hour of quiet. Talk in whispers. Look at books and play with stuffed animals instead of noisier toys, keep the music & television off. Toddlers just can’t learn to be quiet for an hour unless you’re doing it every day.
2. Have special Mass clothing that is comfortable to wear and looks nice. Putting on special clothes is an important cue for all of us (think dress vs. jeans, tux vs. chinos). It doesn’t have to be expensive. We get all our clothes from thrift stores. But it should be something that they wear only to Mass. You also have to make sure it’s comfortable clothing. I once dressed my daughter in a fluffy dress and only realized after one TERRIBLE hour of her wriggling and crying and fussing that it was awfully scratchy.
3. Give yourself time to read the day’s readings ahead of time. And if possible, bring a children’s Bible or Bible story book along with the same readings. Then, when it’s time for readings, you can pull the little ones on your lap and whisper (very quietly) the kid-sized version of the story in their ears. This helped our kids think of the readings as “story time for me”, not “tune out time.” We had a rather large collection of Arch books, which are cheap, and also a children’s Bible that covered almost everything. Although I do remember reading The Good Samaritan so many times, I had it memorized.
4. Teach your kids the different anthems and chants that your church does every week. My kids were all able to sing the Great Amen and other parts of the Mass when they were really little because we sang them at home. It helped Mass be less of an hour of “time out” and more of a family activity.
I second Claire. Great, great suggestions. Kate and Sparki777: Do you mind if I suggest them to my blog readers?
These are great suggestions! I especially like the quiet time hour suggestion. Having that be a part of the normal rhythm of our day would really help, I think. Maybe we can slowly work on praying a whole Rosary during that time. Thank you for sharing, and thanks to everyone for their insight and feedback!
Kate you’re default not heaping any guilt on anyone! If you were the only other person at Mass, I’d go in a heartbeat, tantrums and all, and know you were thrilled we were there! I just feel like a failure because I totally agree with you about taking kids to Mass in theory, but then each time I actually do it, it feels so wrong and goes so terribly! Blah. He won’t always be little though and perhaps future kids of mine will be less spirited…at least at church
During years when my children were small, we attended parishes with no cry room, and my husband was often at work. If I didn’t bring the kids, I didn’t go to Mass. If I left with the baby, I was abandoning the other kids, sometimes during a First Communion year when it was important for them to attend.
And I had boy(s).
SO. I did bring food (never drink), but always Cheerios or something bland. The treat was afterward - Mass Candy for those who behaved. Cheerios were only for those under three or so. Children below First Communion age were allowed to bring one quiet toy - i.e., a toy that wouldn’t make noise even when banged against the pew by a toddler (tended to be a Beanie Baby).
We listened for Jesus (the bells), which helped during the consecration. I nursed (discreetly, I hope).
When I had a toddler (boy), I tried to sit in a pew with a strange man at the other end. This discouraged escape artists. The older the man, the better - and, I found, the more likely to be sympathetic and appreciative of my efforts.
We got through those years… somehow.
I later met a woman who commented on how encouraging it was to watch my children when she was just coming back to the Church. Wow! And I thought I was borderline disruptive all those years.
Do what works for your family.
As I have always said “God gives out bonus points for parents who bring their children to mass!” I currently work on the weekends :( and my husband takes all seven kids, 6 girls and one boy to church by himself. I am so inspired by his continuing commitment to God and our family even with such a difficult task. He said he gets a lot of looks, I can just imagine! Please pray that God will give me a new direction in life (a good job with insurance, not on the weekends, preferably at home 
) to give me the ability to be home and go to mass with my family.
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