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Email a FriendOn the reasons for NFP: it’s true that if you take grave reasons to mean “foot in the grave”, well, that’s wrong (in fact, that’s not only the wrong understanding about NFP, it’s not the correct meaning of grave!) But it’s important to realize that whether you say “grave” or “serious” or non-trivial, the fact remains that a couple’s reasons for using NFP must be proportional to the serious thing they’re doing: i.e., suspending the ordinary practice of the vocation they’ve vowed themselves to by a gift of self. (A parallel example of “serious reasons”: if my 5-year-old pulls the tablecloth with the dinner on it off the table, that’s a serious (non-trivial) reason for sending him to his room for a time out. It’s NOT a serious reason for chopping off his head.) When you enter a vocation like marriage, you vow yourself to its ordinary practice, which is union in the marital embrace by the spouses when they desire it. That’s why you don’t need to deliberate about being open to life - it’s part of the package. The deliberation comes when you believe some reason which is serious enough - grave enough - to warrant the suspension of your “usual job” as a spouse. This is a prudential judgment, and the spouses are the only ones who can make that prudential judgment, because they’re the ones who have the facts. But since we’re living in a world jam-packed with contraceptive mentality (the idea that procreation is totally within our control and that children are a burden), it’s especially important to be sure that the reasons we have for NFP are really serious—really proportional to the big thing that NFP is.
When Spouses Disagree About NFP
by Elizabeth Duffy in Marriage on Wednesday, March 30, 2011 7:00 AM
Simcha Fisher has written a very good post about why the church doesn’t make a list for what constitutes a good reason to avoid pregnancy.
“If the Church seems distressingly vague, it’s because she doesn’t want to get in the way of the conversation you could be having with God.”
That conversation seems to me the most critical element of practicing NFP. The conversation remains open between husband and wife, and between each individual and God. And my guess is that there will be varying degrees of tension and some disagreement between each participant in the marriage at various times throughout the fertile years about whether or not to conceive.
Don’t get discouraged with a spouse’s close mindedness about another kid (and it would be a mistake to assume it’s always the man who feels negatively). Also, don’t get discouraged with a spouse’s seemingly reckless procreative urges (though it would be unjust for one person in the marriage to lie about charting or signs of fertility in order to commandeer the family size without the other spouse’s knowledge or approval). Keep the conversation open. Keep talking with your spouse. Keep talking with God, through frequent confession, and perhaps obtaining a good spiritual director.
The years of fertility last a long time, and it’s likely that the minds and bodies of both spouses will feel very differently at the end of it, than they did at the beginning.
But perhaps even before one gets around to discerning just reasons to have or not to have another baby, my guess is that more Catholic marriages suffer silently under the strain of disagreement about whether or not to even use NFP vs other means of birth control. Often, one spouse is not on board with the Church’s teaching—or they might be partially on board but insist on finding ways to avoid abstinence during the fertile period.
If you are in this position, remember that conversion is gradual. Go to confession often—to the same priest, who knows your circumstances, or find a spiritual director who can give you good advice on maintaining the life of Grace, and your marriage. Your marriage is the safety net for the children you already have, and if it becomes riddled with conflict and resentment, it ceases to be what it needs to be for your kids—and for you. Seek guidance. Seek reconciliation. Seek ways to keep the conversation open between you and your spouse, and you and God.
Don’t pester your spouse. Prayer is more powerful than persuasion. If you’re arguing about fertility issues weekly, even monthly—it’s probably too much talk and not enough prayer.
If you or your spouse has already been sterilized, seek reconciliation with the church and with each other. Concentrate your prayers on forgiveness, if you feel resentment. Talk to a priest in Confession.
Do what you can to maintain the life of Grace. If you are going to fight for something in your marriage, attempt to remove the struggle from your relationship with your spouse and invest it into the fight for your life of Grace—to stay close to the Sacraments of Penance and Eucharist. Let your conflict be with your tendency towards discouragement. Don’t ever assume the book has closed on you and your marriage. It is not over.
—Elizabeth Duffy blogs at BettyDuffy.Blogspot.com.
Comments
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I think it is very difficult for most women to understand those of us who have irregular cycles. Even with a good NFP instructor, it sometimes doesn’t work. My husband is still unhappy about getting pregnant a year later, even now she is 3 months old. I guess unless you’ve been in the situation where pregnancy is really devastating, you cannot understand what it is truly like. I wish NFP would have worked for us, I was really gung ho and used to recommend it to everyone. However, it has cause so much pain and suffering for us, I can’t honestly recommend that it is the best thing for our marriage or a child. This is a story from the 3% of us that NFP isn’t effective even with good training.
My wife’s cycle is irregular. And I can relate to the experience of having a spouse who is opposed to having more children, because I was once that spouse. We had 4 kids in 3 years, and I was brought up protestant and embued with the contraceptive mentality. It took a great deal of self-inflicted pain for me to grow into the Faith and understand that God does indeed desire us to let Him determine when children will come, and we’ve only had 2 more in the last 4 years, but we don’t do NFP or anything. It takes a great deal of trust in God, and I know it is really hard when one spouse isn’t open to life. I did not used to understand why older, devout Catholics like my wife’s parents were so opposed to mixed religion marriages, but I think the issues being brought up here show the wisdom of their view.
Just because some here may have had several children relatively quickly does not mean the trend will continue. In our case, our tiredness at shepherding a bunch of little kids around acted as a sort of natural break, if you follow my meaning. But again, I think God doesn’t tend to give more than one can handle. We would actually like to have more children, but God in His wisdom has not sent any, yet.
I’m a bit taken aback by the statement that a pregnancy is devastating - how so? Because of the husband’s reaction? Now that the child is born, does he still feel that way? I can’t imagine that - it was the great joy I find in my children that was part of my path to understanding Church Doctrine on marital relations and procreation.
Finally, it is very sad the views of sexuality that are so prevalent in our culture. I am a recovering addict, as well, and sexual addiction definitely figured in my past. It was just always sort of there from adolescence on. But I have grown beyond that (I’ve managed to string some time together through the Grace of God) and I’m still relatively young, so this isn’t a physical thing. Sexuality is a gift, it’s a priviledge, not a right. Offering that gift to God at times is a very powerful form of mortification, if done in a spirit of charity for one’s spouse and God, and not grumbling that it doesn’t happen just when you want it to. It is sad that so few see this anymore. It takes a great deal of dying to self to willingly deny oneself the marital right, even for a night, but the benefits, spiritually, are great. I pray that more people would come to understand the virtues of chastity and modesty better, instead of listening to the world and it’s glorification of self-gratification.
Tantumblogo,
Thanks for everything you’ve written here. I have been looking at this site on and off for about 2 weeks and reading a lot of it and I’m having trouble finding much genuine Catholic teaching: lot’s of opinions and very little in the way of content. While the Church’s teachings are broad, they are pretty simple to get. It’s just that they are hard.
This is from the Pius XII’s Address to Midwives and it applies really well to what you have been saying.
St. Augustine, teaches: “God does not command the impossible but while He commands, He warns you to do what you can and to ask for the grace for what you cannot do and He helps you so that you may be able”.
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