Alimony Payback Time

November/December 2008 Issue | Posted by Father Richard Gill, LC in Spirituality

Question

My daughter has been divorced for five years. She left her husband because he took up with another woman, to whom he is now married. He has been paying child support for their three children regularly. The divorce was very bitter and the children suffered a lot. One day he contacted her and claims that he has inadvertently been overpaying and demanded $25,000 to be returned right away. He says he needs it to pay his new wife’s debts. Apparently she is demanding that of him. My daughter never realized he was paying too much and she has spent all the money on the children and the household. She is barely getting by as it is, working two jobs and paying a babysitter. What should she do?

Answer

This sort of dilemma is a good example of why divorce is to be chosen only as an absolute last resort: It usually opens up a whole series of new and vexing problems for everyone touched by it. Most of the time alimony and child support are decided either by mutual consent or imposed by a judge, and rarely can it be a perfect solution. Often, both sides feel they are being done an injustice. It is difficult to find good solutions in these messy problems. And worst of all, the children suffer from confusion and a sense they have been abandoned.

To simply reject his case for being paid back is unfair. Even when someone makes an honest mistake, he still has a right to receive fairness and justice. Keeping what is not yours against the will of the owner is never right, so he does have a good case for the return of his money.

But this has to be dealt with in the real-life situation of your family. His new wife may be demanding that he take care of her, but she (and he) have to be attentive that he has prior obligations to his original family that come first. Regarding the question of the money, some compromise needs to be worked out: Reduce the amount, make gradual payments, or both.

This case highlights the need for real cooperation between parents when they decide to separate. Often there is bad blood and a lot of wounds that have not healed. But for the emotional health of their children and for their own spiritual good as well, they both need to be mature enough to forgive and act civilly and professionally toward each other. Otherwise, they only continue to increase the suffering of their children.

Parents in a divorce situation must accept the fact that, due to the problems between the two of them, they have created an unfair situation for their children. Children should have the right to be raised by two committed, loving parents and not in a broken home. When this is, for various reasons, impossible, both parents have the moral obligation to do all they can to make it as painless as possible for the innocent children. In this case, it means cooperating on a solution. Often in the case of divorce, a father feels he has few rights and only obligations.

Both parents should realize that their children need much more than adequate financial support. They need mature parents who are positive, loving, and committed to their children’s welfare and to bringing them up in a good moral environment.

For example, the children in these situations need to know, and to have it reinforced regularly, that they themselves were not the cause of the problem. Rather, it was a failing that had to do only with their parents. They need to see unity in purpose and goals between their mother and father, including generous cooperation and flexibility. They need to know that both parents are equally committed to their welfare, and that they are not a burden on one or both. They need to hear each parent speak well of the other and never criticize or blame the other for their problems. Only in this way can the damage from divorce be held to a minimum.

One of the great misconceptions today is that children adjust easily to divorce and learn to adapt after perhaps a short period of upheaval. In fact, all the best research in recent years shows just the opposite: that the effects of divorce on children are long-lasting, even into adulthood and into their own marriages. That is one reason why the Church has always warned against accepting the reality of a “divorce culture” where it is taken lightly and given little importance. It is unfortunately one of the most disruptive social situations we face.

Legionary Father Richard Gill is director

of Our Lady of Mount Kisco Retreat and

Family Center in Mount Kisco, New York.

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