Back Off Mom and Dad

November/December 2009 Issue | Posted by Melissa Hartog in Features

By Lois Leiderman Davitz, Ph.D.

My husband and I recently watched our granddaughter playing a softball game. Flying pony tails, bright-colored uniforms, cheers — the two teams of 9-year-old girls were obviously having a great time.

Whenever one particular little girl went up to bat, though, her father rushed over and stood as close as possible to the umpire. She called a strike; he contradicted her. At first, she smiled at the father’s eagerness. On strike three, she lost her temper.

“Either you leave the field or I call off the game.”

An embarrassing argument occurred. Unpleasant words were exchanged. The teams waited to play while parents watched in shock.

“The game is called off,” announced the umpire.

Only then did the father, muttering in fury, stalk off the field. His crestfallen, tearful daughter ran to her mother in the bleachers.

“Why did Daddy do this?”

“Daddy lost his temper. He cares a lot about you.”

We overheard the child’s response. “I wish Daddy didn’t care so much about me in front of my friends.”

Evolution of Parenting

Concern about our kids is central in a parent’s life. We want our children to do well. We want them to succeed. We want them to be happy, enjoy life, learn good values, and determine what it means to be a responsible adult.

However, it’s not quite as easy being a parent today as it was in the past when the role was far less complex. This fact was made strikingly clear to us when we surveyed older adults about their views of parenting.

A very senior man who had raised seven kids summed up the beliefs of many others when he told us, “I raised my kids in the Depression. My job was to put food on the table, clothes on their backs, and a roof over their heads. Let me tell you, it was tough.”

We asked, “Do you think you would have been a better parent if you had played baseball with your sons or taken your daughters to work with you for a day?”

He was astonished. “Lady, I worked 12 hours a day to make a living. When would I play baseball? In my sleep? And my daughters! You must be kidding about taking them to work with me!”

An elderly woman told us, “Before we saved up enough money for a washing machine, I washed clothes by hand. Go see a daughter play softball? Girls didn’t play softball. My daughters helped me. I made sure they learned early that I needed extra hands. Sure I taught them. I taught them right from wrong. All my kids learned this.”

Parents as Participants

The concept of what it means to be a good parent has radically changed.

The pendulum has swung from concern about supplying the basics of life to concern about every aspect of development. In fact, professionals have labeled lack of parental involvement as the cause of all sorts of problems, from obesity to poor school performance.

Not only are fully concerned and involved parents applauded, but they may receive extra praise when they add to their parental roles that of being
playmates, buddies, or partners in activities. Conversely, when parents aren’t active participants, there may be negative reactions.

One mother told us her son’s teacher sent home a note reminding her she was a partner in his education. “I forgot to sign the homework sheet. She actually lowered his grade a few points to teach both of us a lesson.”

Another mother reported that her daughter was not allowed to enroll in a ballet class unless she herself agreed to participate in once-a-month sessions. The idea was that mothers would only understand what their daughters were experiencing if they went through the steps.

Attention Overload

Extreme cases? Not really. Parents today have multifaceted responsibilities. They help with homework and drive kids to sport practice. And in between activities, they maintain a home and may have outside employment.

Parental concern about all aspects of a child’s life is important and is a good thing, but the question we feel important to raise is, “When do attention and interest go too far?” When are parental interest and active involvement too much of a good thing?

This push for concern is understandable. It is in part a reaction to the past when parents weren’t involved. One mother who has attended every softball game, soccer game, and swim team competition of each of her five kids said, “I played soccer for 10 years. My parents never showed up for one game.”

“I worry all the time if I’m spending enough time with my kids,” said another mother. “Now that they are bigger I do have a part-time job, but every hour I’m home I’m there for them. I’ve even started making schedules. I make a point of knowing who my kids play with. I know the books they read, the TV shows they watch.”

Holding Back

How does a mother or a father decide to hang back, to put a brake on those times when they feel they are doing and reacting too much?

Obviously every family is unique, but there are some things parents might consider in looking at their own situations and deciding whether they are too involved, too preoccupied, and, as a consequence, doing their children and themselves a disservice.

Don’t Impose Dreams

When my 14-year-old grandson Matt made the unbelievable announcement that his ambition was to make the junior varsity tennis team of a semi-rural high school, his tennis-loving family leaped into action.

They bought him a top-of-the-line tennis racket, sneakers, and workout gear. Budgets were slashed to pay for private tennis lessons; elder siblings were enlisted to drive Matt to practices.

Tennis was a family sport, and when Matt “came around” there was no end of excitement. Everyone was confident of success. Only 20 boys were trying out for 15 spots. Matt needed work on his serve and was bribed with an extra allowance if he would practice more. He did — a very little.

The fantasies of a party with a chocolate cake and a white ice cream tennis racket ended with a single phone call.

“I didn’t make the team, Dad.”

There was silence.

“Why don’t you and Grandpa try out?”

Our shy, intelligent, bicycle-loving grandson had been unwittingly pushed into trying out for tennis by an over-zealous family.

His trying out for the team was obviously an attempt to live out the family’s interests. It was definitely not his dream.

It was a great lesson for all of us. Parents shouldn’t impose their dreams on their children.

Avoid Pressuring Performances

“The recital made me so upset and angry. I could have cried. I knew she could do so much better. I’ve heard her play that piece a hundred times.”

Twelve-year-old Kathy is a gifted pianist. It’s not only her mother’s evaluation, but teachers also have applauded the girl’s abilities.

But the recital was an unqualified disaster, and Kathy’s mother was angry with her daughter.

“The only reason I am so angry is I know she is capable of doing so much better!”

Parental anger when a child doesn’t do his or her best are definitely signals that the parents are too involved and have lost perspective. Kathy’s response after the recital was very revealing.

Crying, she apologized to her mother. “I’m so sorry, Mom. It meant so much to you, didn’t it?” It was clear Kathy was less sorry for herself than she was for her mother’s disappointment.

Be a Parent, Not a Buddy

“I would have given anything if my dad had taken me camping. But my son turned me down.”

Children love to go on outings with their parents when they are small. Add a few years, and they come up with endless excuses to avoid such excursions. One man who bent over backward to be pals with his son was devastated. He had planned a surprise camping trip with his teenage son. This was to be their special time together.

“I was hurt,” said the father. “This was a big deal. Just the two of us. He turned me down flat. You know what he preferred doing? Going to a concert with his buddies.”

For the father, this rejection was hurtful. It’s not easy for parents to face the reality that kids reach an age where they don’t want parents as buddies, as best friends. 

One mother talked about her two teenage girls. “We always did every-thing together. Shopping, dressing up — we loved going to the mall. Their friends all thought I was such a ‘cool’ mom because I spent this kind of time with them. I was so terribly hurt recently when Peggy told me not to come with them and their friends anymore. I always thought my daughter and I were close friends.”

Room to Grow

Children need space. They need the space to grow at their own pace — to make their own decisions about interests and activities that come from interests within themselves and not imposed by mom and dad.

Kids should not have to confront parental disappointment, which may in some cases be far greater than theirs.

“I stopped telling my mom a lot of things,” 15-year-old Judy told me. “She gets so nervous. Like I was trying out for cheerleading and every day she asked me about the tryouts. I finally told her I quit the team. I’m not interested anymore, and she still is!”

Probably the best thing parents can do to make sure they curb their over-interest is to listen to the messages their child sends.

If our family had only paid attention to our grandson’s refusal to spend a couple of hours a day practicing tennis when supposedly he wanted to make the JV team, none of the family would have become so emotionally involved, and we would have been aware of what else was going on his life.

On his own, he had been calling and interviewing for a job.

To everyone’s complete surprise, he ended up with a prize internship with a local veterinarian. Matt loves animals and is exploring potential for a future veterinary career.

He couldn’t care less about his tennis serve.

Lois Leiderman Davitz, Ph.D,
has authored and co-authored
numerous books with her husband,
Joel R. Davitz, Ph.D.
Their most recent book is

Discoveries of a Marriage:

Seven Ways to Love

and Understanding

(Paulist Press, 2007).

Symptoms of an Over-Involved Parent

• You obsess about your child’s performance.

• Your child gets angry and accuses you of interfering.

• You are more disappointed than your child is about an event
or performance.

• Other children in the family point out that you pay more attention
to one child’s accomplishments.

• You make unnecessary sacrifices on your budget and time for a

particular child’s activities.

Joseph and Mary Didn’t Hover

Did you ever wonder why it took Mary and Joseph so long to figure out that Jesus was missing?

Remember the story (Luke 2:41 and following):

“Each year his parents went to Jerusalem for the feast of Passover, and when he was 12 years old, they went up according to festival custom.

“After they had completed its days, as they were returning, the boy Jesus remained behind in Jerusalem, but his parents did not know it.

“Thinking that he was in the caravan, they journeyed for a day and looked for him among their relatives and acquaintances, but not finding him, they returned to Jerusalem to look for him.”

What do we learn from their experience?

1. Joseph and Mary respected their son. He was only 12, and they allowed him to go up to
Jerusalem. Usually, a boy had to be older for that.

2. They gave their son his freedom, in a situation where plenty of trusted family were around.
They didn’t hover and keep too many tabs on him.

3. When he turned up missing, they revealed that their attitude all along was more calculated
than cavalier. They immediately began a search, which took them through all their family
members and back to Jerusalem.

4. When they found him, Mary told him in no uncertain terms, “Your father and I have been
looking for you with great anxiety.”

How did Jesus respond to this kind of respect and clear boundaries?

The text tells us this, too: “He went down with them and came to Nazareth, and was obedient to them.” Respect paid off.

— Tom Hoopes

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