Did I Marry the Wrong Man?

September/October 2008 Issue | Posted by Father Richard Gill, LC in Spirituality

By Father Richard Gill, LC

Question

I’ve been married for nine years, and we have a boy, age 7, and a girl, age 5. On the surface, I suppose, we have a normal life and everything is okay. That’s probably what someone looking in from the outside would say about us. But I find myself unhappy and I don’t really love my husband. He seems to be in his own world, and we don’t interact much except for the business of managing the house and the kids. He has put on a lot of weight, seems emotionally distant, and mostly just watches sports on television or plays around on the Internet. I’ve been thinking about other men I dated before, and I feel like I would be a lot happier had I married one of them. It feels like I made a mistake and I’m never going to be really happy in this marriage. A friend of mine went through the same thing some years ago, got divorced, found a terrific guy, and is very happy now. On the other hand, my mother says marriage is forever, no matter what. What should I do?

Answer

Your situation is not uncommon. But that doesn’t make it any less trying. The first question you need to ask might be of yourself.

If you let the general culture in the media and entertainment worlds dictate to you what your life should be like, you won’t have much chance for authentic happiness. The culture around us sends a lot of confusing signals because in questions of marriage and family, it has lost its way. The evidence piles up every day: more broken homes, fatherless children, loneliness, sadness, and depression.

You’ve got to take charge of the situation you are in and decide you are going to change it.

Begin by renewing the spiritual basis of your marriage. Your marriage is a vocation. You received a sacrament blessed by God. He intends marriage to be permanent, and he gives married couples the supernatural graces they need to persevere and to be happy. But you have to ask for those graces, and so you need to pray. Without prayer, you are going to be in trouble and there won’t be a solution. Get on your knees and start praying for your marriage every day.

Remember what you committed to at the altar. In your vows, you promised to live to make your spouse happy through loving service. There was no conditional clause in the vows, such as, “provided he also makes me happy.” The mystery of Christian marriage is like the mystery of the Christian life: We can only be happy if we give ourselves in love and service to another person. So start there.

First, take a good look at yourself. No doubt that just as you have some legitimate complaints about your husband, you can imagine he has some gripes about the kind of wife you are. That’s not to say all the blame is yours — only that you have to start changing yourself if there is going to be progress.

Then, take a look to see what his real needs are. Most of them are probably reasonable ones, and by meeting his needs you can make him happier. What are his likes and dislikes? Try to meet them generously and lovingly. That might just start a “virtuous circle” of each of you looking to meet the other’s needs, and you’ll see a real change in him.

Another thing you could do is try to develop an honest interest in the things he enjoys. Most men want their wives to be their recreational companions and have fun together. So if it is baseball, or football, start learning something about it. You don’t have to become a fanatic, but you have to be interested in the things he loves. By doing so, you’ll have something more to share with him.

Also, take a look at how much time you spend together — alone. This is critical to keep a marriage from falling into routine and boredom. You need to get out for a weekly date alone, and occasionally go off for a weekend, without the kids. This is really helpful in renewing the romance. What were the things that you both used to enjoy in the beginning?

If all of this sounds a bit one-sided, as if I’m saying it is all your fault, you have to remember: You can only change yourself and your attitudes. By loving and serving your spouse, you are fulfilling that vocation God gave you and you are being the kind of person you want to be. But by doing so, you will prod your spouse along to respond to you and your marriage in the same way. C

Legionary Father Richard Gill is director

of the Our Lady of Mount Kisco Retreat and

Family Center in Mount Kisco, New York.

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