Do You Know Where Your Kids Are ...online?

March/April 2009 Issue | Posted by Barb Ernster in Features

<>Research shows that kids whose parents get to know the technology and teach their kids how to manage it responsibly are less likely to engage in risky behaviors.
By Barb Ernster

The list grows every year — MySpace, Facebook, Xanga, Bebo, Twitter, Flixster, Orkut, LinkedIn, YouTube, Zude. Online social networking sites (OSN) are growing in use among adults and kids. About 500 niche sites exist, as well, for book and music lovers, ethnic, professional, geographic, and religious groups. There’s even 4Marks.com, a social networking site just for Catholics.

Younger and younger kids are turning on to this new way of socializing. According to the Washington-based Pew Internet & American Life Project, 55% of American children, ages 12-17, use a social networking site. These sites allow them to congregate with friends in a so-called private world of networked profiles where they can share their interests, post photos, chat back and forth, write on each other’s “walls,” use blogs, send invites, promote events, and digitally hang out.

The problem with the online social networking is the problem with any forum that is public and anonymous. It can attract the worst kinds of people.

Despite efforts by MySpace and Facebook to weed out sex offenders, strengthen privacy settings, and enact age restrictions, experts say the best safeguard against the risks of online social networking and other Internet-based communication tools is good old-fashioned pa­ rental boundaries and education. Research shows that kids whose parents get to know the technology and teach their kids how to manage it responsibly are less likely to engage in risky behaviors.

“The smart thing to do in very good healthy families is that the parents are aware of all the electronic ‘counter authorities’ that come into the home, including TV, Internet, websites, and communicating with other people through social networking sites,” says James Stenson, a Catholic educational consultant, author, and speaker who specializes in family life and family-school relationships.

“Many parents keep tight controls on their kids; others may be more liberal, but teach them the right and wrong way to use these things and give moral boundaries. Ultimately it boils down to trust and guidance on the parent’s part.”

Dennis and Kris Cortez, the parents of five kids in Flossmoor, Ill., allow their teens to use Facebook, but set controls and check what sites they access through a software program called Cybersitter.

“Our family philosophy is to do what Christ said, to be in the world, not of the world,” says Kris.

“We’ve tried to just give them the foundation and let the leash out and see if they can handle that level of responsibility. I do believe those adolescent years are the time to teach them to manage it and show some responsibility before they get to college. Take the time to walk them through the cultural aspects and bring them up that adult ladder,” she adds. “That old adage, character is how we act when nobody’s looking — parents aren’t looking every day, ultimately God knows everything.”

Weighing Pros and Cons

Online social networking was not an issue for Jesse and Amy Ekblad of Detroit, Mich., until recently.

Their 16-year-old son, the oldest of eight children, just joined a Life Teen group that communicates through Facebook, and the Ekblads are discussing whether to allow it.

“I’m not sure what we’re going to do,” says Amy. “I’m absolutely opposed to MySpace and I don’t allow Facebook. I know what they are, I just don’t think they’re necessary and I wouldn’t want the other kids to be on it.”

The Ekblads speak for thousands of parents who have minimized the media intrusion in their households and do not want to cave in to the attitude that kids need to keep up with the latest.

Catholic radio host and author, Teresa Tomeo, understands the plight of parents like the Ekblads, but thinks it’s a mistake to take a “bunker mentality.”

“A lot of parents are afraid of it because we didn’t grow up with it. These kids are so technology minded because they are growing up with it. If you don’t start teaching them at home, then it’s like throwing them to the wolves when they leave,” she says.

In her book Noise (Ascension Press, 2007), she advocates being a media-savvy parent by understanding the new technology, explaining the differences between appropriate and inappropriate music, games, TV, movies, and websites, setting parameters in the home and sticking by them.

The Risks Are Real

Michael Bouchard, Oakland County Sheriff in Pontiac, Mich., says it’s increasingly difficult for parents to stay in that “bunker.” When he gives talks at schools and asks kids if they’re using online social networking sites, the majority of kids raise their hands. When he asks their parents in the same school later that evening, the opposite occurs.

“That’s why it’s important to have the technical expertise to know what they’re up to. Today it might be MySpace, tomorrow it might be another one. You have to tune into these communication issues by age 10 and be involved in their lives and know what’s going on,” he says. “A lot of what kids do isn’t sinister or intentionally wrong, but they quickly find themselves in trouble.”

Things quickly got out of control recently for 13-year-old Hannah, a 7th grader from a small town in Minnesota. She started a conversation with a 15-year-old boy through instant messenger, and that led her to adding him as a “friend” on Facebook.

Over the course of just three days, the “boy” told her he loved her, had lots of money, and wanted her address to send her a $31,000 diamond ring.

When she wouldn’t divulge the information, he threatened that he knew where she lived and was going to have his secretary hack into her computer and destroy it. Hannah told a school counselor about the situation and they called her parents, Roxanne and Jeff, who then contacted the sheriff’s office.

The sheriff told them the sequence of events and ploys used in Hannah’s case are very typical of online predatory behavior, and they turned the case over to an Internet crimes task force.

The “boy’s” cell phone number turned out to be a residential number in Iowa, but Roxanne and Jeff have not been able to confirm who was actually contacting their daughter.

The experience left all of them shaken and convinced that even involved parents who are educating their kids and taking precautions is not always enough.

“It all happened so fast. When he told her he loved her, that’s pretty powerful stuff. What 13-year-old doesn’t want to hear that?” says Roxanne. “I’m really disappointed because Hannah’s been told of the dangers of the Internet and warned about posting personal information. She’s a good kid and doesn’t get into trouble and usually follows our rules. They’re at that age where they think bad stuff isn’t going to happen to them and that their judgment is good. Well it’s not. The thing I can’t stress enough is monitor, monitor, monitor.”

Other Pitfalls

Besides criminal behaviors, news stories about cyber-bullying, malicious chat, and inappropriate content have parents, school authorities, and clergy rightly concerned.

Kids are growing up with peer-to-peer communication tools like instant messaging (IM), cell phone texting, blogs, and chat rooms.

A whole new language has been created out of acronyms, such as LOL (laughing out loud), BRB (be right back), and GTG (got to go), which fits their fast-paced world.

Digital communications also give young people a sense of invisibility, tempting them to “speak” in harsher tones, gossip, spread rumors, and in general act out of character. It’s very common for young people to swear and post compromising videos or photos of themselves, which can come back to haunt them later when they are applying for a job or college scholarships.

Young adults have learned that employers and college administrators are checking into their online behaviors to assess their true characters.

“We’re hearing story after story of people not getting a job because there’s a picture of them during spring break down in Florida. Most kids are not thinking long term like that,” warns Kari Glemaker, National Director of I Care Coalition, an initiative of the National Coalition of the Protection of Parents and Families, which seeks to counter the sexualized messages of the culture and educate parents about wireless technology.

Keep Talking ... and Checking

The National Coalition for the Protection of Parents and Families maintains that open, honest communication with your kids is the best defense against negative influences, whether you find out your kids are involved in social networking and you’re working backwards, or they’re asking for access to it.

Glemaker’s personal opinion is that preteens should not be on MySpace or Facebook, and if older kids aren’t asking for it, don’t push it.

If they are asking for it, she suggests parents set up a profile with the child so you can learn together. This is what her husband and 14-year-old son did on MySpace. It’s a great way to teach them what information they can and can’t divulge, how to navigate the site safely, and set privacy settings. Her son does not know the password to his MySpace account, which means he needs their help just to access it.

Growing Up Fast

One of the biggest mistakes kids will make is to list a false age to appear older. It’s not uncommon for 13-year-olds, particularly girls, to portray themselves as 18 or in their 20s. Glemaker says kids under 17 are actually a more protected class on MySpace and Facebook in that they will not get adult-level ads flowing to their profiles or links that can lead them to unintended content.

“I do know that major social networking sites are working in good faith to figure out a way to have an age verification. State attorneys general in 48 of 50 states will file complaints and legal documentation if these companies are not working on this,” she says.

Parents also need to be aware that young kids can get unfettered access to the Internet through their cell phones and gaming stations. Internet gaming rooms attached to Playstations and WIIs are the new arena where sexual predators are hanging out, and there are lots of these sites, says Glemaker. Parents need to password protect wireless devices and not give out the password to anyone, even the kids.

One 9-year-old in Minnesota set up a game time with some other players in a Playstation gaming room through instant messaging. He thought he knew the other players until he got an IM message with an attached pornographic video.

Parental Controls

The average age of a child getting their first cell phone is 8 years old. Parents use it as a safety device, but most cell phones come equipped with Internet access. They might have a filter, but it’s up to the parent to activate it by going to the carrier’s home page and setting the controls, says Glemaker.

Parents also can and should set specific times when phone calls and text messages can and can’t be received so that they can impose some limits on their overzealous teens. The ICare Coalition is working with five major wireless carriers, asking them to make parental controls more obvious on the home page because they’re currently difficult to follow. They’ve been very receptive to ICare’s suggestions.

The bottom line on the computerized technology-driving robust world that we live in, is not to fear it, says Glemaker. Like everything else, parents need to prepare their children to use cell phones, social networking, and wireless devices with an inner moral compass to guide them.

“The wake-up call is realizing that our kids want to be connected with other kids and it’s not always for evil intent. It’s just a matter of parents understanding the culture a little bit more and how to use this technology in a safe way.”

Barb Ernster logs on from

Fridley, Minnesota.

Like everything else, parents need to prepare their children to use cell phones, social networking, and wireless devices with an inner moral compass to guide them.

Click for Help

For social networking tips and other

parental guidance, check out these websites.

Federal Trade Commission

OnGuardOnline.com

Wired safety

WiredSafety.org

Connect safely

ConnectSafely.org

Cyber bully 411

CyberBully411.org

Get Net Wise

GetNetWise.org

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National Coalition for the

Protection of Families

and Children

NationalCoalition.org

Teen Talk

Here are a few abbreviations used by

texters … good and bad.

?4U I have a question for you

121 One-to-one

9 Parent is watching

BF Boyfriend

F Female

F2F Face-to-face

IMSB I am so bored

KOL Kiss on lips

KPC Keeping parents clueless

LIC Like I care

LIK Liquor

n00b Newbie

PAW Parents are watching

PRON Pornography

PTL Praise the Lord

X Kiss

YSIC Your sister in Christ