How to Love a Homosexual

Summer 2010 Issue | Posted by Editor in Spirituality

By Melinda Selmys

A few years ago, my husband and I had just moved to a new town and made the acquaintance of a young man who shared our love of obscure board games. Dominic (not his real name) was a university student and our first real friend in the area. We were sitting around one evening talking, when I noticed his eyes occasionally darting up at the picture of the Divine Mercy that hung above our television set. Finally, with a certain trepidation, he asked if we were Cath-olic, and we said we were.

“I think you should know,” he said, “I’m gay.”

“Gays” Have Feelings, Too

Sooner or later, every Catholic meets someone who identifies himself or herself as a homosexual. It might be someone on the street, in full leather gear, parading his sexuality. It might be a quiet young man who sits in the back of your congregation. It might be a friend, co-worker, or even a family member. Will you, as a Catholic, be able to bring the Gospel into their lives? The answer to that question lies in how you relate to them.

For someone who identifies as gay or lesbian, encounters with real Christianity are few. Most contact with Christianity arises on the front lines of the culture wars: a context in which the gay or lesbian person often ceases to be a person at all, and becomes the avatar of an enemy ideology. Christians may feel that they are standing up for truth when they hoist “Turn or Burn” signs, or wear “Adam and Eve, Not Adam and Steve” T-shirts, but the opposite is true. Offensive tactics will never fail to drive away people who are living with homosexual tendencies.

What, then, ought a good Catholic do? Does it have to be a matter of either compromising on truth or compromising on charity? Or is there a middle way, a narrow path that leads through the barbed wire of the culture wars, to the heart of the homosexual person?

Confrontation in the Street

You are walking down the street when you suddenly realize that the road has been blocked. The mayor has closed down Main Street and rolled out the rainbow carpet. Here, in the middle of your town, there are men in vulgar attire, women with collars around their necks, and indeterminate others wearing dresses and lipstick but with just a little too much hair on the back of their hands. What do you do?

Do you grab a marker and a pizza box and quickly cobble together a “Hate the Sin, Love the Sinner” sign? Shout back as loudly as you can? Fall on your knees on the roadside and ostentatiously pray the Rosary? Rush home and write a letter to the editor?

Whatever you do, I urge you to remember that our concerns must always be centered in the good of the other person. Christ was merciful with sexual sinners. He did not hesitate to go into the places where they were gathered, even though this was a great scandal to the Pharisees, who wanted to see adulteresses and prostitutes stoned outside the city walls.

The best thing any of us can do to “fight” homosexuality is to pray. We can always go quietly into the nearest church, kneel down before the Blessed Sacrament, and pray for the virtue of chastity — first within our own hearts, and then throughout the world. We can pray for those within the Church who are divorced, use contraception, promote homosexuality, or have pre-marital sex. We can go to confession and receive sacramental absolution for our own impurities.

It is impossible to argue, bully, or shame someone out of homosexuality. If you don’t have a relationship with the people you are speaking to — if they do not already know and like you as a person — you will not be able to change their hearts.

Homosexuality Hits Home

There is a gay man in your home. There he stands, not five feet away. This isn’t some drag queen on a street corner — this is the “coming out” of someone you know by name. What do you say? How do you show him the love of Christ, without accidentally condoning his lifestyle?

When my friend Dominic admitted his homosexuality, I had an easy answer. I used to be gay. Obviously, I wasn’t going to kick him to the curb. Dominic was naturally curious: How on earth had I gone from being an open lesbian to a married, Catholic mom? It opened up a conversation on sexuality and Cathol-icism that ran into the wee hours of the night, and continued in the months to come. Even if you don’t have the same natural “starting place” for conversation that I do, when confronted with the homosexuality of a friend or acquaintance, there are several principles to keep in mind:

1. Don’t argue.

It is not necessary — and is almost never advisable — to argue about homosexuality. If it comes up naturally, state your adherence to Church teaching and then say, “But that doesn’t mean I’m not your friend.” Let them decide whether to ask further questions, to argue the point, or never to speak of it again.

2. Don’t flaunt your opposition.

Unless they ask you to do something that is explicitly opposed to your faith, don’t make a big issue out of it. Refusing to go out for coffee if their partner is going to be there will drive a wedge into your relationship.

3. Love the sinner … quietly.

To a homosexual person, “gay” or “lesbian” is not a lifestyle, or an ideology, or a sin. It’s an identity. You have to “show, not tell” that it is possible to love a person without loving his homosexuality. My friend David, who was instrumental in bringing me to Christ, told me once that he was against homosexual sex — and then never brought it up again. He never said he was going to “Hate the sin, love the sinner.” He just did it.

4. Remember the Gospel.

We are called to lead souls to Christ — not to heterosexuality. Preach by word and by example, but preach about Christ. Before I joined the Church, I was convinced that Church teaching about homosexuality was reasonable and internally consistent; it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t willing to change my life for the sake of syllogism. I was willing to change it for Christ.

5. Offer hope, but be realistic.

Don’t promise “reorientation,” or imply that heterosexuality is a precondition of Christianity. There are some people who will “become straight” after giving their lives to Christ. For others, homosexual inclinations will wane as a life of chastity takes form; although my friend Dominic would now describe himself as heterosexual, he feels called to celibacy in a religious community. For some, this struggle will consume their entire life — it will not be finished until they stand before God and are granted their reward.

Gay in the Family

Your sister calls a family meeting over the weekend in order to inform you and your parents that she is a lesbian. Her girlfriend came along, and they inform you that they intend to get married, and expect all of you to be at the wedding. The above principles still apply, regardless of your relationship, but there are further considerations when the homosexual person in your life is also a family member.

1. Keep talking.

Keep the lines of communication open (or open them). Often, homosexual persons withdraw from their families, particularly during adolescence. If your relative “comes out,” see this as an invitation to have a better relationship. It means that he wants to share something very personal and important about his life with you. You need to be willing to listen and love.

2. Put yourself aside.

If necessary, seek the help and advice of a good spiritual director who will help you work through feelings of guilt, anger, or confusion that might prevent you from showing genuine, unconditional love to a homosexual family member.

3. Read up.

Be prepared to answer questions honestly and charitably. Too often, ministries to parents and families of gays and lesbians are actually organizations trying to undermine Church teaching. Courage, EnCourage, and the Vatican are good sources for compassionate, orthodox information.

4. Don’t psychoanalyze.

Someone might have told you that all lesbians have bad mother-daughter relationships, but no one really knows what causes homosexuality. No single factor, whether genetic, biological, psychological, or experiential has proved able to explain all homosexual attractions.

5. In essentials, orthodoxy, in non-essentials, liberty.

Don’t compromise on Church teaching, but don’t be needlessly dogmatic. If a gay couple invites you to their “wedding” you might say, “I can’t act as witness to something that’s contrary to my faith, but I love and want to support you. I can’t come to the ceremony, but I would love to come to the reception.”

Above all, remember that the way to the heart of any human being — regardless of sexual orientation — is through love, prayer, and understanding. C

Melinda Selmys is a staff writer at VulgataMagazine.org.

Even Closer to Home:

What if Your Child or Spouse “Comes Out” Gay?

8 Dos and Don’ts

1. Do find an orthodox spiritual director, or get in touch with EnCourage (at CourageRC.net ). You will need support and help — both for yourself, and for your loved one.

2. Don’t let this shut down your relationship. Don’t refuse to speak, tell them that they are damned, or kick them out of the house.

3. Do be honest, but don’t be angry. Talk about how you are feeling, but first be willing to listen. Don’t try to whitewash, or pretend that everything is okay if it is not.

4. Do separate your own pain from your love of the other person. Make sure they know that you love them, regardless of the choices they make.

5. Do forgive. Search your own conscience and ask their forgiveness for anything you might have done to make them feel unwelcome. Be prepared to forgive them, even if they shut you out of their lives.

6. Do practice patience. St. Monica prayed for 15 years for her prodigal son — and St. Augustine ended up as one of the greatest saints of the Church. Don’t give up hope or cease to pray.

7. Don’t try to argue them out of it, force them into a support group, or inundate them with literature. One of the hardest things to accept is that we are often the most powerless to help the people we really love. Pray for God to send someone who will be capable of doing what you are not.

8. Do be supportive if they wish to remain faithful to Church teachings, but find it difficult. Help them find support, and keep your own faults and failings firmly before your eyes so that you are not tempted to think of yourself as the long-suffering martyr to their affliction.

‘Be willing to listen and love.

Recommended Resources

Courage

A Roman Catholic apostolate, Courage ministers to those with same-sex attractions and their loved ones. (212) 268-1010 or CourageRC.net

“Letter to the Bishops of the Catholic Church on the Pastoral Care of Homosexual Persons”

From the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith. Available at Vatican.va

Beyond Gay

David Morrison (Our Sunday Visitor, 1999) offers a Catholic perspective on finding the balance between “tolerating” homosexuality and “approving” it.