Know Thy Spouse

March/April 2009 Issue | Posted by Tim Drake in Features

Art and Laraine Bennett know a thing or two about temperaments. Art is a family therapist. Laraine is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in philosophy. Together they authored the popular book The Temperament God Gave You (Sophia Institute Press 2005), and most recently The Temperament God Gave Your Spouse (Sophia Institute Press 2008). They recently spoke with senior writer Tim Drake from their home in Bristow, Va.

What are the four temperament types, and can you describe each of them briefly?

Laraine: The choleric is the natural leader. They’re energetic, strong-willed, decisive; they react quickly. They’re goal-oriented and persevering. A real type A.

The opposite of choleric would be the phlegmatic. They have a low-key reaction to everything. They don’t feel anything intensely or hang onto any particular feeling very long. Phlegmatics are quiet, easy-going, not easily provoked, non-argumentative.

Then there’s the sanguine, who is best described as a people person. They react quickly and intensely, but it’s not a sustained reaction. They’re bubbly, extroverted, outgoing. They’ll volunteer for everything and then forget and move onto another interest. They see the glass as half-full.

Finally, there’s the melancholic, who is opposite of sanguine. They’re extremely introverted, reserved, quiet, detail-oriented, persevering, reflective, and sensitive. They so long for heaven that everything on earth falls short. They’ll typically have one very close friend. They tend to view the glass as half-empty.

Is it likely that children will possess similar temperaments to their parents?

Laraine: While there seems to be a genetic component, you can end up with children who are vastly different. Art and I are completely opposite and have four children who are one of each type of temperament.

Art: Understanding the temperaments is of great value for those with several children. Your first child, for example, may be quite easy, and later on you might have a child who is more argumentative and wonder what’s wrong. Understanding the temperaments is a tremendous tool for parents. For example, if you have a melancholic mother with a sanguine child, there’s likely to be conflict. Instead of arguing, this allows the parent to see that the child is responding in the way that’s most appropriate to his temperament, thereby allowing the parent to find ways to work with that particular child in a more beneficial way.

Laraine: As parents, we’re tempted to nag or yell or lay down the law. But when you understand your child’s temperament, you will know what motivates them, and you will also know which virtues might be more difficult for them to attain. If you have a sanguine, they are motivated by doing something fun with you or with their friends. You can tie this in with something they find really not fun, like homework or going to confession.

Understanding the temperaments can help us to build confidence.

With a sanguine child, you may be tempted to squelch their extrovertedness by saying no shopping, no friends, no cell phone, no television. With a choleric child you might be tempted to punish them for debating.

But, you can’t go 180 degrees away from their temperament. Instead, you work with it and gently encourage them to grow in the virtues that you want them to grow in. Encourage that choleric child to find appropriate ways to take charge — student government or church youth group, for example.

It’s often easier to identify your children’s temperaments when they are little. The sanguine child needs to learn follow-through and perseverance and that not everything in life is going to be fun! The melancholic child needs to not focus so much on the details and needs to know that they don’t have to take 10 hours to do that paper, but can get it done in five. The choleric child may need to grow in empathy and respect for authority. The phlegmatic child may have to grow in courage, initiative, and defending their faith.

How does this translate to marriage?

Art: We tend to marry someone with the same values, but a different temperament. Laraine has had to realize that my slowness in responding isn’t a deliberate attempt to frustrate her, just as I have had to realize that her impulsiveness is her style. In our second book, we decided to focus on trying to find harmony in marriage, using the temperaments for more self-understanding to create more loving relationships.

How can understanding temperaments help spouses?

Laraine: Right in the beginning of our book we provide the example of a husband who is melancholic and a wife who is sanguine. When they’re first attracted to one another, she brings social life and he brings order, precision, and reflection.

At first they’re thrilled with each other.

Over time, the romance wears off. They have kids and their jobs get rough. He comes home from work and is exhausted. As soon as he enters the door, she pounces on him to talk, talk, talk. He responds by going to the office for a moment of quiet. She feels neglected. She goes further into her temperament, asking, “Why aren’t you talking to me?” which he perceives as nagging, and he retreats further into his style. Art, in his marriage counseling, sees these people and has to help them understand that there are temperament issues going on.

Art: We need to get each spouse to realize that the other isn’t doing these things willfully. We try to help people not get wrapped around the axle. If spouses start thinking that the other is doing this on purpose, it can undermine the marriage and the harmony.

Opposites might be attracted to one another, but down the road you have to recalibrate. Understanding the temperaments fosters a posture of respect, understanding, and affection. If you’re sitting there brooding, thinking that the other person is trying to ruin your day, these things are undermined.

Understanding your spouse gives you the skills and tools necessary to create the possibility of more harmony.

­Laraine: We think that the other’s needs are the same as our needs. I didn’t realize that Art needed time to be alone.

When he gets up, he meditates or reads a book. Meanwhile, I have the coffee going and am ready to talk to him.

I’m thinking that my needs are the same as his. That’s when we get pouty and feel neglected. If we understand that our emotional needs are different, then we can work toward resolving the problem. He can say, “How about if I go take a break for 10 minutes and then we can talk?” or we can resolve to set up a time on Saturday morning when we can have coffee and catch up. We both make compromises that are mutually beneficial.

Is this similar to the popular

“Five Love Languages” approach?

Laraine: That’s good and helpful, but understanding the temperaments is an easier tool.

Art: It’s similar in that you’re not seeing the other person as a mirror of your own emotional needs. Both are helpful that way. My spouse’s and children’s needs will not be identical to mine. The temperaments are more valuable in helping us understand why people go into dif­ ferent businesses and why we get so tired or energized by being with other people.

They help to prevent gridlock and escalating conflicts, and are far more helpful in terms of helping children, by knowing their strengths and weaknesses, and therefore what virtues they need to grow in.

What does your book provide?

Art: We try to get very practical. The temperaments are good for creating a culture of communication and connection. We provide skills that will help you to relate to one another better, using the temperaments as a drawbridge to help connect spouses so they can handle the more difficult things in life. The book would be a wonderful tool for marriage preparation.

What we hear from couples most often is, “I wish I would have learned this sooner.” We know that if we had learned about it sooner we would have been wiser, more prudent parents.

Laraine: Certain communication skills are harder for some temperaments. So we present the skills that would be most helpful to each temperament.

The choleric likes to just get to the point, spit it out, not caring if other’s feelings are hurt. We focus on easing into the topic.

The melancholic tends to get rather nit-picky. They have to learn the skill of the underlying positive.

The phlegmatic has to learn when to speak up instead of retreating in silence.

And the sanguine needs to learn when not to talk, but to listen. The point of understanding temperaments is not to give spouses the license to be a temperament bully. The point is to increase understanding and to grow more loving and virtuous. E

Opposites might be attracted to one another, but down the road you have to recalibrate. Understanding the temperaments fosters a posture of respect, understanding, and affection.

We provide skills that will help you to relate to one another better, using the temperaments as a drawbridge to help connect spouses so they can handle the more difficult things in life.

Quick Take:

The Four Temperaments at a Glance

Choleric: natural leader, energetic, strong-willed, decisive, reacts quickly, goal-oriented, persevering, type-A.

Phlegmatic: opposite of choleric, slow, low-key reactions, quiet, easy-going, not easily provoked, non-argumentative, peacemaker.

Sanguine: people person, reacts quickly and intensely, bubbly, extroverted, outgoing. They see the glass as half-full.

Melancholic: opposite of sanguine, extremely introverted, reserved, quiet, perfectionist, detail-oriented, persevering, reflective, sensitive. They see the glass as half-empty.

To find out your temperament, take the quiz at SophiaInstitute.com

The Temperament God Gave You, and The Temperament God Gave Your Spouse are both available from SophiaInstitute.com