Putting the "Fun" in Dysfunctional

Summer 2010 Issue | Posted by Susie Lloyd in Features

An invitation to a family reunion sometimes provokes the opposite reaction from the one intended. Instead of “Eat, drink, and be merry” you’re thinking, “Tomorrow this may kill me.”

I keenly remember how it was at my wedding 20 years ago. I was thrilled that my siblings were coming from far away with their spouses and children. My mom, however, was worried. All those road-weary people, jammed into the rooms of our family home ... and this was nothing compared to the religious differences among us. She was so nervous that she wanted to hang up a sign: All church matters must be discussed in Latin!

Much has changed. Our family’s home is now much smaller, and the families have grown in both size and stature. The ever-present religious divide is now perhaps even wider. So recently when the family got together to celebrate our dad’s 80th birthday, why did we have such a great time?

I reflected on what made our weekend such a pleasure. Here are a few of the ways we got it right.

Ignore the elephant in the room (and the donkey too).

One mistake we avoided this time was debating political or religious issues at the party. These deeply personal issues were not created in a day and they won’t be resolved in a day. If anything, bringing them up in front of other people makes differing parties defensive and even more solidified in their positions. Plus, it tempts onlookers to choose sides. If you don’t want a reenactment of the town brawl in The Quiet Man, keep your disputes private. A kind attitude is the best witness.

Don’t curl your lip, smile.

If you don’t like everyone there, chances are you are normal. The more people at a party, the less likely you are to be simpatico with each and every one of them. Resist rudeness! Simply smile, say hello, then move on. Don’t feel obliged to chat. People bring different dynamics to a party. If there is someone there you really want some face time with, tell the person ahead of time that you hope to have at least one conversation, even if it must be short. But realize that the nature of a family event is to share time with everyone.

Don’t overdo it.

My family members rarely see each other, so it’s tempting to try to squeeze a few years of living into a weekend. You want to talk to everyone for hours, visit memorable spots, and pose for thousands of pictures. Hello, stress!

This time I decided to focus on just two things: seeing everyone’s face and the main reason for our visit, making our dad happy. We started the weekend with a potluck supper at his home and a game of Poppergories (Scattergories with Pop as the theme). This also served as an ice breaker. Members of each generation had fun with it. The next day there was a dinner in his honor at a fine restaurant. There each of us got up spontaneously and told a favorite story about him. It was a simple agenda that allowed plenty of down time.

Know thyself.

In the excitement of seeing each other we can forget that travelling can make people cranky. Do you have a habit you can’t comfortably do without — coffee, tea, red wine, candy? Bring it, in case it is not available where you are going. Now may not be the time to quit smoking. Do the kids need naps? Map out a quiet space or plan to take a drive at naptime. Do crowds and noise put your senses on overload? It’s okay to give yourself a time out from the party. Tell everyone you’ll be back, then go take a walk, lie down with the kids, find a quiet room to recharge your batteries.

Share the kids.

Teens make great babysitters — I have three — but I resisted the temptation to stick them for any length of time with our tots. It was their weekend, too, and they wanted to visit with aunts, uncles, and cousins. As it turned out, the aunts and uncles and cousins were happy to spend time with the little ones themselves. Our kids came home doing magic tricks and comedy routines they learned from their new Uncle James.

Go out of your way.

Our sister Jane went out of her way and took on the bulk of organizing. James spent a lot of time playing with our sister Mary Ellen’s special needs children. Our sister-in-law Abby went out of her way and researched accommodations for everyone. Our brother Jon surprised us and paid for the restaurant. It was my job to make the family’s favorite dish, but I also made a meatless alternative for our two vegetarian brothers and their families. These acts lightened everyone’s load.

Thou shalt not bug

the hostess.

Offenses range from the small, e.g. hanging out in the kitchen, to the not-so-small, e.g. saying or doing inappropriate things, especially around children. The No. 1 behavior to avoid is drinking too much. It’s awfully easy to do when the liquor is freely flowing, and it’s awfully easy to regret later. If you are the hostess and someone is driving you nuts, try humor.

A priest friend once told me that you can say anything you want in an Irish accent. Instead of “Get out of my kitchen!” say with a touch of the brogue, “Authorized personnel only, me luv!”

Consider everyone’s needs

when planning.

Some may not have the money to travel or to pay a generous share towards the party. Some may not have much time. Some may have special needs. Yet you want everyone to be there. Be sensitive about real needs and offer to troubleshoot ways to include them. Simply expecting them to work out their own issues may cause them to stay home, and worse, to resent the lack of understanding.

Looking back on that wedding day reunion 20 years ago — as good as it turned out to be — provided the incentive to do things right this time around. We didn’t know it then, but that event was to be the last time our mother saw all of her children together.

I hope she looked down on our latest reunion and was pleased to see all of us making our father happy, spending time with the family that God designed for us. C

Susie Lloyd’s latest book is

Bless Me Father For I Have Kids (Sophia Institute Press).

What Kind of Family Reunion

Should You Plan?

When planning a family reunion, one of the first considerations is how much money you can afford to spend. Once you come up with a reasonable budget, taking a look at your family’s details and preferences will help you decide what kind of event makes the most sense for you.

1. Picnic Party:

This is the simplest and most cost effective kind of event to host. If most of your family lives in the same area, you can have family members bring their own food, saving lots on your food budget. Pick a nice park or a family member’s large back yard.

Consideration: An outdoor party will be dependent upon good weather. You might want to plan a rain date.

2. Dinner Reception:

You can plan this kind of event at a restaurant or hotel, and the staff there will be a great support to you in all of the details. You might also consider a weekend event, where everyone stays at the same hotel or resort. This way, you can plan at least two large mealtime gatherings.

Consideration: Hotel and resort events can be difficult for tight budgets and families with small children.

3. Camping Out:

Campgrounds offer an economical alternative to staying at a resort, and many state parks offer a wide variety of family-friendly activities to enhance your family together time — swimming, hiking, boating, fishing, and golf.

Consideration: Camping can be difficult for older family members or those with health problems.

4. Special Occasion:

Families that don’t gather often might need the impetus of a special event to motivate them to attend a reunion. Anniversaries, birthdays, graduations, and weddings all offer convenient “excuses” to plan a family gathering.

Consideration: Special events are usually more formal and require special planning. Begin early and enlist lots of help.