Taking Kids to Mass

May/June 2008 Issue | Posted by Diane Calvin in Features

It was a typically busy week in the Buchholz home, with Craig working long hours at the office and Jen tending to their two energetic young sons. After receiving Communion that Sunday at Mass, Jen wanted nothing more than to spend just a few peaceful moments with the Lord.

Her plans were thwarted by 3-year-old Will, who kicked and screamed his way back to their pew, protesting loudly, “But I want a cookie, too!” Red-faced and frustrated, Jen asked herself, “And just why am I taking this child to church, Lord?”

It’s a question all parents ask.

So why do we parents keep subjecting ourselves to such embarrassment, distraction, and frustration? The blessings of taking young children to church are plentiful. Kids grow to understand that Mass is an integral part of family life, just as they are an integral part of church life. Their noises and antics are a visible sign that the congregation is very much alive and growing.

Granted, there are no stipulations that parents must bring their youngest ones to Mass, yet the Catechism of the Catholic Church reminds us that “Parents should initiate their children at an early age into the mysteries of the faith … and associate them from their tenderest years into the life of the Church” (No. 2225).

Or, as Jesus put it, “Let the children come to me and do not prevent them; for the Kingdom of God belongs to such as these” (Luke 18:16).

Here are some helpful hints from one who has been where you now go.

Pack a “Survival” Kit

While some parents are adamantly against bringing a “church bag” (too many distractions), most draw some measure of comfort (and a moment or two of peace) from a few carefully chosen items stowed in the bag.

Opt for things with a spiritual flavor: soft plush Noah’s Ark or Nativity sets, board books of the Garden of Eden, coloring books depicting the lives of the saints. A brand new item placed in the bag each week may spark a child’s interest. Packing special Mass favorites that are only available on church days is another option.

Whatever you bring, be considerate of others. I once sat in front of a toddler who entertained himself for the entire Mass by revving a metal truck across the pew.

Bringing food or drink to church is a tad trickier. Some moms discreetly nurse their babies and no one will deny an infant his bottle. But unless you have a desperate need, Mass and snacks don’t mix very well. No one wants wrapper or munching sounds in their Mass, and no parish wants crushed Cheerios or goo in their pews.

Quick Tip: Order a Magnificat for kids (MagnifiKid.com). Kids can use it to follow along with the Mass.

“Places, Everyone!”

Where in the church are you most comfortable sitting? Like many families, the Dewitt family chose a rear pew offering an easy escape route in the event of a meltdown.

But Diane Dewitt explains, “Eventually, we became courageous and sat in the front, right near the choir. Amazingly the music kept Peter’s interest so much that he loved going to Mass.”

Having a bird’s-eye view of the priest, lector, deacon, choir, and altar servers is tons more interesting than the view from the rear of the church … an ocean of “backsides.” Also, sitting up front allows you to quietly point out the flowers, statues, and tabernacle.

Another consideration is the “leeway” allotted to an increasingly mobile child. We’ve all smiled at the occasional “escapee” who wriggles free and gleefully runs in the aisle. But the toddler running precariously back and forth across the pew is a disaster waiting to happen.

Some parents keep their little charges tightly wrapped in their arms for the duration of Mass — no ifs, ands, or buts. Others permit a little movement, “corralling” the child between two adults. As the kids’ ages and stages evolve, feel free to change locations. The bottom line comes down to this: Find the spot that works for you — the place where you as a parent and as a family can participate in and experience the liturgy to the fullest.

Model Behavior

Good behavior sprouts from good role models (you) and pre-planning. Have the kids use the bathroom before leaving home. Set the right tone by turning off the car radio on the drive to church. Bless yourself with holy water, then help your child do likewise. Refrain from idle chit-chat in the pew before Mass begins.

If a trip to the restroom is needed, avoid scooting out of your pew during the consecration.

Participation encourages good behavior too: Kids can receive a blessing at Communion, put the envelope in the offertory basket, pray the “Our Father,” and help bring up the offertory gifts.

Encourage them to sing along even if, and especially if, they’re off-key. Let God enjoy to the fullest the unique voices he created!

As a child, my nephew’s favorite part of the Mass was exchanging the Sign of Peace. Shaking hands with his neighbors, David innocently responded, “Pleased to meet you.” Sure, he had misinterpreted their greeting, but his heart was in the right place, and he was eagerly participating in liturgy.

Tag Team Time

The baby is inconsolable with colic; the “terrible 3s” have struck your previously angelic son; the kids are suddenly battling over everything.

Let’s face it, your ability to experience Mass together may have temporarily hit a wall.

Such was the case when Anne and Drew Markley’s 18-month-old twins became competitive cyclones of movement overnight. Think Energizer Bunny times two.

Attending Mass was “setting a negative tone for the entire day because we were so agitated by the end of the hour.” No doubt about it, kids’ developmental stages can definitely have an impact on behavior.

Then again, there can be major differences in temperaments from child to child. Maybe your placid firstborn quietly read books during Mass, but child No. 2 chatters and flirts with the unamused lady behind him.

When the fruits of bringing children to church seem more sour than sweet, the situation is ripe for change. In the name of family harmony, the Markleys eventually did leave their dynamic duo at home and attended alternate Masses for nine months. If the kids need a break from your church, make an extra effort to bring the Church to the kids. Holy water fonts, cherub nightlights, guardian angel visor clips for the car, religious medals for the family pet, Day by Day Bibles, and Catholic activity books can supplement until you find your way back as a family.

Bountiful Blessings

Remember Will, who screamed for a “cookie” at Communion time? Mom is pleased that “he will now put change in the collection basket to help those less fortunate than we are. We pray together when we arrive at church, and he thanks Jesus for a special person or a special moment from the past week. Without any prompting, he started a tradition of lighting a candle for my grandmother each week after Mass. Having him take part in the Mass really has helped.”

And what about those wandering Markley twins? Faith and Joe just turned 5 and attend church on a regular and usually peaceful basis. Anne tells us of a screaming match the twins recently got into after church because Father repeatedly used the word “faith” during his homily.

Faith wasted no time telling her brother Joe: “Father said ‘Faith.’ He didn’t say ‘Joe’ even one time. He doesn’t like you!” Joe had a meltdown. Faith squealed with delight.

While their interpersonal skills may still need some honing, at least we know that the children were tuning in to the homily!

As one mother told me, “The most affirming moment for me was the Sunday that they just ‘got it’ — to see them come in, bless themselves, take their seats, and just follow along. To know that they finally understood, to the point that, on a Sunday when we missed Mass because we were all down with the flu, my daughter came to me­ and asked why we weren’t going to church that day.”

Karen Lybert, a mother from Virginia, reflects, “It is amazing to sit in church and see children who you knew years ago as infants and toddlers. Now they are in high school or even college and still going to church!”

Karen’s observations crystallize it all. Our kids are the future of the Church.E

Diane Calvin, a mother of four,

writes from Horsham, Pennsylvania.

Mass Together ...Or Apart

One family does it due to autism, another for a hearing-impaired son. Other families cannot imagine doing it at all.

What is “it”? Splitting up for Mass. For some, it is a fact of life. For others, it’s unthinkable. Opinions are strong on both sides. Is there a right way? Does the Catholic Church teach that one way is superior to another?

Father Joseph Taphorn, chancellor of the Archdiocese of Omaha, Neb., says parents should make the decision that is optimal for their families: “Fundamentally, Catholics are obliged to assist at Mass on Sundays and holy days of obligation,” says Father Taphorn. “The Church would never legislate how that is to be done — whether attending as a family unit or individually. Parents need to exercise the virtue of prudence and make the best decision given their particular circumstances.”

“Particular circumstances” translate into a variety of approaches. Davin and Janet Lee, of Huntsville, Ala., rarely split up for Mass, unless someone is ill. “My husband wasn’t Catholic when we married,” says Janet, “but we attended together from the day of our marriage.” Now, they bring the kids. “I really do believe that God’s grace operates in ways that we don’t even imagine. Our little ones’ presence is a moment of grace for them and for us.”

For a family with special challenges, however, it may not be as simple. Jennifer Loftin, of Flint, Mich., has two autistic sons. When her husband’s work schedule changed, switching Mass times was too hard on their boys. “The new routine was not accepted,” Jennifer explains. So, for now, “we are a family that splits our Mass time into shifts.”

Special needs also determine the schedule at Melissa Peterson’s house. Melissa and her husband, Scott, divide church duties because their hearing-impaired toddler is “so loud at Mass. Typical hard-of-hearing behavior, like the old man with the ear trumpet: ‘Eh? What?’”

Sometimes parents’ temperaments drive the decision, as can having several young children close in age. Andrea Schlickbernd, a Midwest mom who had five babies in six years, says, “In hindsight, I wish we’d done things differently. It was so hard — sitting in the cry room, with fussy babies and toddlers … we used to come home exhausted.”

Bernie and Patrice MacArthur, from Massachusetts, can sympathize. Patrice found it challenging to teach her 2-year-old how to behave while also caring for a 1-year-old. “I’m sure other people have done it,” she­ says, “but I was having trouble.” She and her husband went to separate Masses for about six months until they got over the hump. During that time, she also took her 2-year-old to shorter, daily Masses to reinforce his increasingly good behavior.

It may be surprising, but even families of canonized saints appear to have sometimes “split up” for Mass. In her autobiography, St. Thérèse of Lisieux wrote, “On Sundays mom stayed at home to look after me, as I was too young to go to Mass.”

Father Sam Sirianni, director of the Office of Worship for the Diocese of Trenton, N.J., has some words of comfort and advice for parents, no matter which option they choose.

“Bringing children to church is a training period. We as priests understand that this takes time. We need to be supportive. Little by little, children finally understand what being quiet is.”

Karen Edmisten is a freelance writer. She blogs about her faith and family at KarenEdmisten.blogspot.com