Yell No More

July/August 2009 Issue | Posted by Daria Sockey in Features

It’s 4:30 p.m. The stew is burning to the bottom of the pot and you are trying to salvage dinner by transferring the unburned portion to another pan. A toddler is clinging to your legs. You notice that the child who was supposed to load the dishwasher has not done so, and a certain something in the air tells you that the designated kitty litter scooper has failed in her duty, as well.

Then from the family room comes this assault on your nerves: 

“It is not a dumb show!”

“It is too, it’s for babies! Maybe you need a diaper!”

“You shut up! Maybe your Legos are for babies!”

“Mommmeee! She kicked my pirate ship and broke it!”

“He started it!” 

BANG! You slam the pot down on the stove, plop baby in the playpen, and roar: “Get over here both of you! I am sick and tired of these stupid arguments! You’re both big babies in my opinion. If you weren’t, you would have done your chores as soon as you got home from school. Now do them! And I don’t want to hear another word from either of you!!”

Now, which is worse — if the baby screams in terror at your maniacal outburst or if the baby plays on, unconcerned, because you do this all the time?

None of us wants to be that mother who is always yelling. We want to be the serene, reasonable woman who has control of her temper and has enough imagination to discipline erring kids without becoming a raging lunatic. 

So how do we get there?

I sought the advice of a number of moms, and together we boiled it down to two issues: anger management and creative discipline. 

Examine Yourself

There is such a thing as righteous anger — a gut reaction of indignation that spurs us to act rather than be lazy and look the other way. (Parents who let their children run wild in restaurants would do well to experience this feeling.) A raised voice, used sparingly, may get a child’s attention when quick action is called for.

We need to ask ourselves: Is my anger justified in this particular situation, or am I acting mostly in response to my own stress and frustration? Do I lose control and respond out of proportion to my children’s offenses? Do I resort to shouting so often that the kids hardly bat an eye when I do it?

If the answer to any of these is Yes, then it is time to learn to deal with the sin of anger, and to cultivate the opposing virtue of patience. 

Harness the Power of Prayer

Patty Arnold, a mother of two from Kansas, is working hard to kick the yelling habit. “I have one idea that has helped,” she says. “When I say my morning prayers, I ask God to give me a ‘moment of grace’ — a few extra seconds before I reach that point of no return. I tried the whole count-to-10 thing, but my reaction when a diaper is off and the poop is spread happens very quickly. I knew I needed some real God-given help.”

Since she began adding this daily intention, “I have noticed that I have a few more seconds of mental calm during times of crisis,” she says. “God is so good to us. All we have to do is ask.”

On-the-spot prayer as each temptation to yell occurs helps out Karen Cross of Maryland.

“I turn my back on the kids and say a little prayer to Jesus or Mary,” she says. “When I’m breathing easier, I turn around again and they are typically engrossed in something else by that point. But I will talk to them about what made me angry and why it is not okay to act the way they did. These explanations involve God’s laws, as well as mine.”

Scripture and sacraments

Aimee, a mother of three from Lou­ isiana, decided to overcome her yelling problem with Scripture.

She began collecting verses that dealt with speech and anger. She memorized some of them, or stuck others on cards and taped them over the kitchen sink. Soon, whenever she felt her temper rising, she would think of one of these verses.

These holy words, so incompatible with anger, would stop Aimee in her tracks before she could launch into a tirade.

“Then I could stop, take a deep breath, walk over to the children, and speak quietly to them while getting down to their eye level,” she says. “They actually respond so much better and faster this way. It took me a while to get this, but I realized that changing my words was more about changing my heart than anything.”

She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue (Proverbs 31:26).

Obviously, frequent confession of angry outbursts is another great help in overcoming them. Anger is a common failing, so any confessor is sure to have a few hints for you on controlling the urge to scream. More important, the sacrament imparts grace that will help you be patient. 

Also, if you fail and let loose with the Maniac Mommy act, try apologizing to your kids. It’s good for your soul, and it is a fantastic example for them. Their respect for you will increase when they see you are willing to humble yourself.

Just Breathe

There are also lots of non-spiritual tricks to keep your anger from spiraling out of control. Plenty of moms mentioned deep breathing. Tina, a musical mom with a sense of humor, sings a few lines from the song “I Shall Scream” from the musical Oliver. “Belting it out at the top of my lungs gives me some of the same relief I normally get from yelling. I make myself and the kids laugh when I do this, and that breaks the tension. Then we can discuss the problem rationally.” 

Remember those relaxation exercises from childbirth class? Even if it didn’t help with labor much, you might give it a try when you think you’re about to lose it.

When Dianna Wormsley’s three little ones get on her nerves, she finds that, “If I just relax my hands, the rest of me starts to unwind a little and then my stress levels drop enough that I don’t blow my top.”

There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing (Proverbs 12:18).

Get Some Space

Putting a little distance between yourself and erring youngsters, even for a minute or two, gives you time to cool off and to decide on what action to take. Carrie Kolessar is a Pennsylvania mom with six children under the age of 10. When babies are crying and older kids are fooling around, she finds her temperature rising.

“At that point I just need to lower the noise level — there’s too much going on in one place.” Carrie starts by breaking up the crowd by sending kids to different rooms of the house. “Then I’ll go to my room and close the door for a few minutes.”

Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads (Deuteronomy 11:18-21).

Take care of you

Several moms shared the importance of mothers getting regular time off when someone else — a sympathetic husband, or a friend with whom you can trade off — is watching the kids.

This might mean a short period every single day to take a nap or go for a walk. It might mean several two- or three-hour blocks each week, used to attend a weekly class, to meet a friend for dessert, or to window-shop at the mall.

Remember, taking some time for yourself serves your whole family in the long run; you will return refreshed and ready to take on daily duties with a more cheerful attitude.

But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy (James 3:17).

Something More Serious?

One more important consideration if the above fixes don’t help much: A deep anger problem could be a manifestation of clinical depression. Consider talking to your doctor if this might be an issue.

Delores from North Carolina had three children in quick succession, and only figured out after her third birth that lingering postpartum depression was fueling her anger problem. For her, anti-depressants were a godsend.

“I am not saying people should take drugs just for any reason, but this was an informed choice made with my doctor,” she says. “He also had me add exercise, saying that half an hour of exercise is like 10 mg of Prozac! Now I am not as angry, or fearful, and am more willing to play with the kids and be what a mother ought to be: loving and fun and happy.” 

Consequences

But what to do, if you don’t yell?

When Mary Hennessey of Cincinnati no­ tices her children either avoiding or com­ plaining about chores, she doesn’t shout.

“I just ask them how much they enjoy their videos, computer games, playing outside, or time with friends?” she says.

This thinly veiled threat brings an immediate response from Mary’s kids. But the threat is not empty. Mary follows through if the resistance continues, and withdraws privileges until the situation is resolved.

When Marianne, a mother of six from Colorado, catches a child doing something wrong, “I ask them to stop and think about what they should have said or done. Then I make them rehearse the correct behavior right away — as many times as it takes to get it right. This works well both for teens and for young children, and usually ends in laughter.”

Laughter sounds a lot better than yelling.

Daria Sockey disciplines her seven

children with a quiet voice and consistent consequences in Venus, Pennsylvania.

Wet Paint

Handle Kids With Care

As I picked up the black walnut jewelry box from the workbench and carried it to the lining table, I realized that my fingers were not slipping against its smooth surface as usual. Only then did I remember my husband telling me he had decided to put “one more” coat of lacquer on it.

Pulling my hands away, I saw a complete set of fingerprints on the still sticky surface. It would take several days to harden, sand out, and refinish before it would be ready to ship … days we didn’t have.

Our small “Mom & Pop” box shop often receives calls asking, “How soon can I get a box? I need it next week.” Then, if possible, we put in some after-hours work to get the box done on time. Now I had put this box several days behind!

As a mom of six children and a volunteer at church working with children, I am convinced that every child should wear a sign around his neck warning, “Wet Paint, touch carefully.”

Sometimes, in my hurry to get a job done, my impatience sends a hurtful message. A dawdling child as we rush out the door late for “somewhere” brings a frown or cross word. These are prints that need to be smoothed over and replaced, prints that can be even more difficult to remove than my fingerprints on that box.

As a child, I remember a teacher using me as an example of “someone who sang with enthusiasm even though she can’t sing as well as many other children in the choir.” I was crushed. Even as an adult, for many years, I refused to sing and only mimed words of joy and praise that my heart cried out to sing.

What marks do you carry from a thoughtless comment or angry remark? Recognize them for what they are — something to be erased and replaced by the love and acceptance of God.

Today I sing with gusto and try to sit near other non-choir members. But I am also conscious of the prints I leave on the children in my life. I aim to shower them with encouraging smiles, and a gentle touch when appropriate.

Can you imagine the “print” you leave when your children hear excitement in your voice as you tell them the story of Creation? Or at Christmas when you share with them, “And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us”?

Can you imagine the “print” of safety your children will feel as they hear about our God who reached down and “shut the door” of Noah’s ark, tucking Noah and his family safe inside, ready for the big flood? Or how about your laughter as you read to them from God’s word about Balaam and his donkey ride?

Remember, while a smile of approval or a hand on their shoulder as they pass by tells them they are valuable, telling them stories of God’s love for them is the best print of all.

Wiping the sticky lacquer from my hands and setting the marred box up to dry, I thanked God for his ability to sand out my prints on the people in my life and replace them with his. And I asked him to remind me to see the “wet paint” sign on each child that crosses my path today.

— Ann Dorries writes from Metamora, Michigan.

The Doctor Is In

One author the mothers I spoke with referenced frequently was Catholic radio and TV personality Dr. Ray Guarendi, the child psychologist and father of 10. Guarendi is known for his humorous and heartening presentations that teach parents to act rather than yack.

“Words,” says Dr. Ray, “no matter how many, how logical, how emotional, or how loud, can’t replace real discipline. Less talk, more action is a time-tested discipline formula.” Some of Dr. Ray’s favorite actions include:The If-Then. A clear, single statement of what behavior you expect and a realistic consequence. (“Turn off the TV when I call you for dinner. If I have to turn it off, then I decide when it comes back on.” or “If chores are done by lunch time, you will be able to go to the movie with your friends.”) Don’t repeat and nag. But do follow through with the consequence if your request is ignored.

The Essay. An offender must write 50, 100, or 500 words about the virtue or attitude he needs to cultivate — “Respect,” “Honesty,” “Self-control,” or “How my chores contribute to the success of our home and family.” Or have quarrelling siblings write out 50-word apologies to one another.

Isolation or “Time-Out.” In the corner. On the stool. Go to your room. So long as it is removed from where the trouble took place, and is sufficiently boring (i.e. a bedroom that looks like a toystore may not be the best place). And if your preschooler cries and howls in time-out, require that a certain amount of minutes be spent in silence before he can leave.

First Things First. Have a standing house rule that daily chores must be finished before any toys, video, computers, or phones can be touched.

Blackout. When your attempts to discipline are met with further defiance, it’s time for a blackout: “The immediate shutdown of all benefits and privileges, except for love, food, water, and — okay — the bathroom.” All wired and wireless entertainment and communication is gone. Call the coach and explain that junior won’t be at soccer for a while since transportation privileges are suspended. Mom will take all phone calls from friends. No pop or chips. Then see how quickly those assigned essays get written.

None of these strategies require yelling, but they do require perseverance. You may have to endure some pitiful sobbing when your little princess is dethroned. A pre-teen may write enough essays to fill a small book before you see a change.

“I tried it and it didn’t work” cannot be honestly said of a new discipline system until it’s been tried an awful lot. After all, how long have you been trying the Yelling All the Time Method to little or no avail?

— Daria Sockey